


We might be broken by design

by subak_jumokbap



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Bad Boy Huang Ren Jun, College, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Happy Ending, Feelings, High School, M/M, Mentions of Cancer, Nerd Mark Lee (NCT), Slice of Life, Smoking, a bit more angst, but not really, but not really again
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-11
Updated: 2020-01-27
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:28:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 53,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22212592
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/subak_jumokbap/pseuds/subak_jumokbap
Summary: “All I know is that he’s Jeno’s friend but he’s very lowkey. He’s quiet, gets good grades, keeps to himself, stays out of trouble.” Jaemin grins at him. “Basically, nothing like you and me.”Renjun glances over again briefly. His eyes might be playing tricks on him because he thinks he sees Mark Lee glance away. He swallows. “Nothing like us at all.”
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Mark Lee
Comments: 65
Kudos: 386





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “All I know is that he’s Jeno’s friend but he’s very lowkey. He’s quiet, gets good grades, keeps to himself, stays out of trouble.” Jaemin grins at him. “Basically, nothing like you and me.”
> 
> Renjun glances over again briefly. His eyes might be playing tricks on him because he thinks he sees Mark Lee glance away. He swallows. “Nothing like us at all.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please tell me if there are tags i have missed out on! note that they're all in the same school year (except sicheng and yuta ofc)

Renjun doesn’t think he’s a bad boy. He thinks all the ‘bad’ things he’s done are for a reason - he doesn’t do them just because he wants to (most of the time). He doesn’t skip classes because he wants to nor does he come to class late because he wants to. He doesn’t do badly in his studies not because he doesn’t want to study, but because he’s just really bad at studying. That’s all. He tries, even if not to his best capability, to cram at least a day before any test or exam. Mainly so that he can at least tell his dad that he did study. Point is, he tries.

No, Renjun doesn’t think he’s a bad boy, despite his lack of adherence to the school attire (it’s just more convenient his way) or his not paying attention in classes (they’re boring, not his fault). He’s not rude to the teachers and he only minds his own business. He thinks the main reason why the entire school population thinks he’s a bad boy is because he’s Jaemin’s best friend. That dickhead.

Jaemin was once involved in a fight outside of school, a not very small one, and it had been the talk of the school for months. Renjun wasn’t supposed to be there at the scene but he was because he ran there once he knew what Jatemin was up to, just to make sure Jaemin didn’t do anything stupid. Unfortunately, Renjun ended up being stupid too. He wasn’t caught in the middle of fighting unlike how Jaemin was, but he had punched someone before it happened. Everyone at the scene got caught and Renjun was suspended for two weeks. Jaemin was close to being expelled for causing severe harm and damage but thankfully wasn’t. He got suspended for two months and had to do detention and volunteer hours for a whole year. Which Renjun told Jaemin countless of times, served him right. That fight was their only anomaly. Other than that, Renjun wouldn’t consider Jaemin or himself a bad boy. Not really.

Ever since that incident, the whole school sees them as a pair of delinquents, and Renjun doesn’t tell them they’re wrong and he wonders if that makes them right. He doesn’t really care though, he can only be bothered about his own affairs. It takes too much effort to care about everything else. And if he were to be honest, he actually likes the reputation that he has because the other students leave him alone and the teachers don’t pick on him as much, often leaving him to his own devices.

So Renjun doesn’t think he’s a bad boy, but everyone thinks he is one, and he can’t bring himself to hate it.

There’s a clear distinction between the categories of students in school. While Renjun apparently belongs to one end of the spectrum, there are others that belong to the opposite end. Namely the smart ones, student councillors, student councillor president Lee Jeno and Lee Jeno’s close friend, the transfer student who shouldn’t be at the same bus stop Renjun is at right now.

Renjun can’t remember his name despite sharing two classes together, but he recognises him as the transfer student of three months who is in Jeno’s clique. Being in the two classes together, Renjun knows for a fact that the transfer student belongs at the other end of the spectrum, far, far away from where he is.

So Renjun doesn’t understand why in the middle of a school day the transfer student is in his school uniform, at the bus stop about half a mile away from school, just like Renjun is. Renjun’s reason is that he skipped class but that can’t possibly be the same for the transfer student. They’re on opposite ends of the spectrum.

Renjun doesn’t speak to him, doesn’t even acknowledge him other than the brief glances he shoots once in a while out of curiosity. The transfer student pays him no mind as well, earphones plugged in and looking out at the road waiting for the bus to arrive. The transfer student doesn’t talk to Renjun that is until Renjun’s bus arrives and Renjun is about to board. Renjun hears a ‘ _hey!_ ’ and turns back in surprise.

“Your bus card,” the transfer student says while gesturing to the ground. Renjun looks down and sees it there. He picks it up immediately and when he looks back up, the transfer student is staring at him interestedly. It’s slightly unnerving. The bus honks and Renjun mumbles a ‘thanks’ before quickly rushing inside. He doesn’t look at the transfer student as the bus leaves, but the transfer student doesn’t really leave his mind after that.

———

They’re in the cafeteria, him, Jaemin and Yukhei. Renjun isn’t really hungry and he can’t be bothered to keep up with the bickering going on between his two friends. He observes the cafeteria uninterestedly and spots the transfer student on the other side, hanging out with Jeno’s clique.

He nudges Jaemin subtly and nods over to Jeno’s table. He speaks quietly. “What do you know about him?”

Jaemin looks over to where Renjun’s gaze lingers. Yukhei’s too absorbed with using his phone to be involved in their conversation. Jaemin shrugs, indifferent as he continues eating his lunch. “Mark Lee? Why’re you asking?”

“Just,” Renjun ponders about what to say. He feels like he should be hiding his curiosity about him, but there’s no reason why he should. He tells the truth. “He helped me the other day.” Mark didn’t exactly _help_ help, but Renjun would have been frazzled at losing his bus card. So Renjun considers it helping, in a way.

“Really?” Jaemin asks surprised. He looks at Renjun, analyses him and decides there’s nothing to be suspicious about. “All I know is that he’s Jeno’s friend but he’s very lowkey. He’s quiet, gets good grades, keeps to himself, stays out of trouble.” Jaemin grins at him. “Basically, nothing like you and me.”

Renjun glances over again briefly. His eyes might be playing tricks on him because he thinks he sees Mark Lee glance away. He swallows. “Nothing like us at all.”

———

Renjun comes to school at ten thirty and needless to say, gets detention. It’s always the same reason whenever he comes late and Jaemin doesn’t have to ask for the reason why. He asks for confirmation instead when Renjun slips into the seat beside him.

“Again?”

Renjun yawns and nods. “I made sure to set an alarm this time. Didn’t hear it though.”

“Not surprising,” Jaemin remarks. “When’s the next time? I’ll come visit.”

Renjun closes his eyes and rest his head on his arms. He trusts Jaemin to wake him up before he gets caught and receives double detention. “I’ll let you know.”

———

When it comes to detention, Renjun outranks Jaemin and Yukhei. Yukhei only ever gets detention because he gets extremely loud and disruptive in class, while Jaemin and Renjun get detention for more similar reasons, Renjun more often than Jaemin. Renjun doesn’t know if it’s a good thing to brag about but he has his own seat in detention. He claimed it as his from the number of times he’s sat there. Jaemin knows it too. It’s at the back of the class, second column from the left, nearer to the windows and away from the door.

For the first time in detention however, he sees someone else sitting there when he enters. There are regular faces at detention, the common few, and there are those that don’t belong. And Mark Lee’s face is definitely one that doesn’t belong.

Mark looks up at Renjun when he comes in and despite having so many other seats to choose from, Renjun feels lost. The classroom is practically empty except for Mark and two other students. But _Mark_ sitting in _his_ seat throws everything off-balance for him. It’s like snow in summer, or an ocean in the middle of a desert. It’s something that shouldn’t be.

The tables are arranged in single columns and Renjun decides for a table away from Mark because he doesn’t want to venture away from his original seat. None of them acknowledge the other’s presence which is normal considering they don’t know each other. Renjun however has this strange feeling of wanting to make his presence known, to see if Mark remembers the other day at the bus stop when Mark had stared at him so weirdly. Mark had become more apparent to Renjun in strange ways since then, which boggles Renjun’s mind. Mark Lee shouldn't be skipping class but did, shouldn’t be in detention but is.

Renjun ignores all of those thoughts, deem them too complicated for his brain, and decides that he’ll sleep for the first two hours and start on his work in the remaining hour. No one actually supervises them in detention - a teacher usually only comes in at the start and at the end to take their attendance just to check that they hadn’t skipped. Detention isn’t actually a punishment for Renjun because he kind of likes detention. It’s much less crowded and no one disturbs him. It’s quiet too, making it exactly to his liking.

Renjun dozes off and when he awakes, only an hour has passed. Mark is still here doing his own work but the other two students have disappeared, an occurrence that normally happens. Renjun knows they’ll appear again before a teacher comes back for attendance-taking.

Renjun contemplates between doing his work and sleeping again but he’s no longer sleepy so he settles for the former (see, he’s not a delinquent). He takes out his papers and writing materials and as he starts going through the questions, he feels watched. He turns to his side and senses Mark looking away immediately.

He ignores it, he’s gotten plenty of curious glances. It’s nothing he’s not used to. He continues doing the questions, ambitiously aiming to complete them before detention ends. He’s having trouble doing them partly because he was dozing off in class and also because he can feel Mark looking over at him every now and then. It irks him because from the corner of his eye, the movement is distracting. If Mark wants to say something, he should just say it straight up.

“What?” Renjun finally hisses after enduring it for as much as he can, putting his pen down forcefully and turning to Mark.

Mark however is unfazed at being caught and meets Renjun’s gaze head-on. It only makes Renjun’s eyebrows furrow deeper in frustration.

“What do you want?” He repeats.

“You know, you really shouldn’t vandalise school property.” Mark fingers over the carving at the top left of the table, an ugly faded _renjun_ , easily visible although not as distinct as when it was first scratched in. It was a year ago, Renjun was bored and he had a metal ruler. And that’s also why Renjun deems it his seat. His name is there. It’s his seat.

Renjun can hardly care about preserving school property. _Nobody_ does. The only takeaway he gets from Mark reprimanding him is that Mark knows his name. It’s no surprise considering his reputation. Almost everyone does.

“Do I look like I care?”

Mark looks at him distastefully. “You should.”

“ _You’ve_ never vandalised?”

Mark’s lips twitch, begging to release a smile. “Not in this school, no.”

Renjun scoffs. “Fuck off.”

Mark lets slip a quiet a laugh. While still watching Renjun, he says carefully, “I’ve heard about you.”

Renjun is sure Mark has. It would be surprising if Mark hadn’t.

“You must have quite the image of me then, don’t you?” Renjun comments.

“You’re... intriguing,” Mark offers.

Mark is curious about him. It’s not new. “That makes you and the rest of the school.”

Mark’s lips slant into a smile. “But I bet you aren’t as curious about the rest of the school as you are about me.”

Mark is right, Renjun doesn’t care much for everyone else but there’s something about Mark that doesn’t quite match the image that he has. It confuses Renjun but he doesn’t want to tell Mark that he’s correct. He wonders where Mark’s confidence stems from for him to be so smug about himself. Renjun leans back against his chair and observes him. “That’s a big assumption.”

“I don’t think so.” Mark leans forward, meets Renjun’s gaze with a smirk. “I’m right, aren’t I? You _are_ curious about me.”

Two can play at this game and Renjun gives a sly smile in return. “Not as much as you are though.”

Mark nods, agreeing easily. “You’re right.” He grins. “Let’s get to know each other.” The smile on his face feels deceptive and Renjun feels like there’s something that he’s hiding.

The two other students return just then, which means a teacher will be coming in soon to mark the end of detention.

Renjun drums his fingers on the table and offers Mark a tight-lipped smile. “Why not?” He lies. He might find Mark a puzzle but he has no desire to get to know him. He keeps to himself as much as he can, that’s how it has always been.

———

They don’t acknowledge each other despite the encounter during detention and they continue to pretend like they’re two strangers, which they technically still are. But sometimes Renjun catches Mark looking at him and Mark doesn’t look away when it happens. Mark meets his gaze as if it were a challenge. Sometimes Mark catches him looking and Mark would throw him a daring smile and he would scoff under his breath and turn away. It’s a harmless interaction yet Renjun doesn’t know exactly what it means. It feels like they’re testing who will break first and come up to the other for a conversation or a confrontation, Renjun isn’t sure which. All he knows that this means Mark is still curious about him as he is about Mark.

The next time they meet, it’s during lunch but neither of them are at the cafeteria. Renjun is making his way to the back gates by the field and Mark is sitting at one of the benches situated right beside the gate with a book in hand. Mark spots him first before he’s aware of Mark’s presence.

“Where are you going, Huang?”

Renjun startles, looks more carefully ahead to find the source of the voice and sees Mark’s eyes peering atop his book at him. It’s their first conversation ever since detention.

Renjun flaunts indifference. “None of your business.”

Mark laughs and it sounds cynical to Renjun’s ears. Mark hides his eyes behind his book again. “I thought we said we’d get to know each other. You’re not being very friendly.”

“It’s not in my nature.”

“You’re cutting class?”

A curious Mark is very annoying, Renjun realises. “Yes.”

“Why?”

Renjun is almost to the gate, close to the benches at where Mark is sitting at. He frowns at the series of questions Mark keeps shooting at him. “What are you even doing here anyway?” It’s lunch, everyone else is in the cafeteria.

“Bored. Jeno and Donghyuck have some stuff to do. And I didn’t feel like hanging out with anyone else.”

Renjun raises his eyebrows as he walks closer. “So coming here and reading is more fun?”

“Well,” Mark looks up at him from his book again, smiling. “After you arrived, yes.”

“I’m sorry to disappoint but your fun is going to be short-lived.”

“Where are you headed?”

“Out.”

“That’s not allowed. Where to?”

“If you’re so curious, why don’t you come with?” Renjun challenges him. There’s no way Mark would cut class just to find out where he’s going. Renjun knows he’s won and Mark will finally leave him alone.

In an unpredictable turn of events and to Renjun’s horror, Mark packs his bag and jumps from the bench, coming to Renjun’s side. “That’s a great idea.”

Renjun starts to panic. Is Mark actually following him? “What the fuck are you doing?”

Mark ignores him, looking around them as they walk towards the gates. “I’m surprised no one guards the back gates. I should talk to Jeno about this.”

“Look, I wasn’t being serious. You shouldn’t - you’ll get detention for this!” Renjun tries to scare him away (detention should scare nerds like him, right?) but it doesn’t seem to be working.

Mark still doesn’t leave. He’s laughing instead and Renjun starts to regret ever saying what he did. “I’m already in detention willingly, what’s your point?” They’re walking out of the gates before he knows it.

It’s a confusing statement to hear but Renjun is more occupied with the fact that Mark is cutting class with him and following him. The world might as well end next. Jaemin is going to have a field day if he hears about this.

Renjun doesn’t talk to Mark while they walk to the bus stop. Renjun hopes Mark will realise what a mistake he’s made and turn back but Mark doesn’t. Mark is quiet, simply walks with him and follows his steps.

It’s like they’ve come full circle with both of them at the bus stop again. But this time the situation is different. Renjun finds it hard to understand what exactly Mark is thinking - he attributes it to Mark being too smart that his brain is messed up in the logical decision-making compartment. That’s the only explanation. Smart people go crazy sometimes, don’t they? Who in the right mind would cut class with a delinquent?

They’re seated separately at the bus stop. That doesn’t stop Renjun from looking at Mark, trying hard to understand him.

“What?” Mark asks nonchalantly when Renjun keeps looking without saying anything.

“You’re fucking weird.”

“And you have a dirty mouth.”

“Seriously, what the fuck are you doing?”

Mark shrugs, looking out onto the road for a sign of the bus. “School gets boring. You might be more fun. And I get to learn more about you.”

“I don’t know if you’ve heard but I could get you into trouble. You can even get expelled.”

“I’ve heard,” is all Mark supplies.

“You don’t care?”

“I don’t believe the stories.”

It comes as a surprise for Renjun. As far as he knows everyone believes the stories. “Why not?”

“I don’t know,” Mark says, suddenly looking at him seriously. “The way you act…it just doesn’t match the stories going around.”

Renjun wonders just what goes on in Mark’s head. “For someone so smart, you’re being stupid.”

“For someone so stupid, you’re quite smart.”

Renjun shakes his head, gives up on trying to understand Mark any further. The bus arrives and they both get on. It’s fairly empty and they don’t sit together. Mark takes the seat behind Renjun.

Renjun looks out the window but he’s addressing Mark when he speaks. “Are you seriously following me? Aren’t you scared? Where I might be going?”

Renjun senses Mark looking out the window as well. “If you’re not, there’s no reason I should be.”

Renjun’s eyebrows scrunches together. On what basis does Mark trust him so blindly? It’s almost reckless, if not foolish. They barely know each other and Mark still chooses to follow him base on his gut feel. Mark is either the smartest person to live or the stupidest yet. Renjun is leaning to the latter. It makes Renjun feel weird to have Mark here with him. He would usually prefer silence but his curiosity gets the better of him. He speaks again. “Why do you do detention willingly anyway?”

There’s a pause. “You wouldn’t believe how much quieter it is there than the library. When you get full marks, it’s surprisingly easy for teachers to grant you anything.” There’s a tone of amusement in the way he says it.

Mark is really not what Renjun had expected at all. Renjun looks at him through the reflection of the window. “Fucking weird,” he mutters.

He sees Mark grin and he turns away.

———

“A cafe?” Mark huffs as they make their way up the stone steps leading to a cafe. “We cut class, travelled almost an hour, just to get to a _cafe_?”

Renjun holds back from rolling his eyes. Mark wouldn’t be able to see it anyway since he’s a few steps behind, complaining. “What were you expecting? A secret hideout? A backstreet alley?”

“ _Yes_?”

Renjun scoffs. Prejudice is hard to kill.

“Sorry you’re not getting expelled,” Renjun remarks flatly.

Once they enter the cafe, a dashing young guy wearing an apron looks up from behind the counter and smiles widely.

“You’re here!”

“You that happy to see me skip class, Sicheng?”

Sicheng’s smile turns apologetic. “You know asking you to cover a shift during school hours is something I always avoid. Yuta couldn’t make it and-”

“I know. I was just joking. But you know I’m more than willing to skip class anytime,” Renjun jokes. He makes his way to the back, into the staff room, leaving Mark to loiter in front on his own. The cafe is empty for now but it’ll get busy later during the late evening after office hours. Renjun’s shift usually starts when school ends (Sicheng made sure of it) but he’s here to cover Yuta’s afternoon shift since Sicheng can’t possibly handle everything alone. Sicheng asking him for this favour means he really needs the help because he’s quite clear about what he thinks of Renjun’s education. He refuses to let Renjun work during school hours unless there’s no other way around it.

When Renjun comes back out, changed into the cafe’s uniform and an apron tied around his waist, he sees Mark sitting at one of the tables near the door, talking to Sicheng. He doesn’t take it as a good sign.

Sicheng spots him and beckons him over. “You never told me you made a new friend.”

Renjun looks at Mark distastefully. “Firstly, not a friend. Secondly, he’s not even supposed to be here.”

Sicheng shakes his head disapprovingly at him and turns to Mark. “Don’t worry, he says that about Jaemin too. You know Jaemin, right?” Mark nods. “He says he hates Jaemin all the time, but he’d drop everything he’s doing if Jaemin were in trouble. Did it before, actually.”

Renjun crosses his arms as he stands in front of the table. “I’d kill that idiot for free.”

“Yes, we know you love him. Why don’t you make Mark a drink?” Sicheng suggests to Renjun’s annoyance. Sicheng smiles kindly at Mark. “Any friend of Renjun’s is a friend of mine.”

While Renjun reluctantly makes Mark a drink upon Sicheng’s insistence and contemplates adding salt instead of sugar, Mark and Sicheng talk. He can’t hear them from the counter and it makes him apprehensive. Sicheng knows a lot about him but Mark doesn’t and Renjun wants it to stay that way. He knows Sicheng won’t tell Mark anything he shouldn’t but he can’t help feel wary. He catches Mark looking over at him momentarily, silent and observing, and he knows that they aren’t just talking about the weather or their hobbies. They’re talking about him and Renjun doesn’t like that he doesn’t know exactly what about him they’re talking about.

To be fair, if he were Mark he too would want to find out why a high schooler is skipping school to do a part-time job. Even though it only makes sense that Mark would want to know, Renjun doesn’t want him to. As he finishes making Mark’s drink, he looks up to see Mark watching him with an expression void of his obnoxious smile, instead sensing calm and understanding, which he doesn’t know how to feel about. What has Mark learnt about him?

He comes out from behind the counter with Mark’s drink and places it on the table in a way that makes Sicheng cluck his tongue at him. He could hardly care less.

He clears his throat. “Leave when you’re done with your drink.”

“Renjun, we don’t chase out customers,” Sicheng chastises.

Mark is unfazed by Renjun’s annoyance. “Hmm but I like it here. It’s better than the school library.” It’s supposed to be a light joke and while it might be one to Sicheng’s ears, neither Mark nor Renjun are laughing. Mark isn’t smiling, he watches Renjun attentively and Renjun knows there’s something else on Mark’s mind. He has this feeling Mark wants to talk to him alone. It feels like Mark is digging close to where his secrets are buried and he wants Mark to stay away.

“So is the detention room,” Renjun replies coldly. “Why don’t you go back there.”

“I’m not going to make fun of you,” Mark says quietly and it hits a spot. Because that’s what Renjun feared all along, isn’t it? That one day people will find out the truth about him and mock him for it. Renjun doesn’t register that his hands have clenched into fists.

What does Mark know? How much does Mark know?

Sicheng takes that as his cue to leave but as he does, Renjun turns to him sharply, betrayal painted on his face. The look in Sicheng’s eyes however tells him that Sicheng hadn’t shared anything personal. Renjun feels a pang of instant guilt and lets the anxiety simmer and fade. Mark is smart, he reasons. Even with whatever limited information Sicheng had shared, and whatever stories he heard from school, Mark can put two and two together and conclude why Renjun is here, doing this.

“Was everything just a ploy to get some dirt on me?” Renjun asks firmly. He tries to keep a calm demeanour in order to stay rational. “Seriously, what are you doing here?”

Mark shakes his head, serious when he speaks. “I only wanted to get to know you.”

“Why? How do I know you’re not gonna spread some fucking story about me to the whole school tomorrow?” That could have been Mark’s motive all along for all he knows. He can’t come up with one good reason why Mark Lee, top student, well-liked by everyone, would be doing this. This is why Renjun doesn’t venture away from his own group of friends, even if it’s just Jaemin and Yukhei. It’s hard to trust people and Renjun had learnt it the hard way.

“I’m not like that,” Mark says, heated and defensive. It looks like Renjun hit a nerve and it feels good because he doesn’t want to be the only one that’s angry and scared.

“You can’t expect me to believe you.”

“I swear,” Mark says lowly, afraid they might get too loud for Sicheng to hear. “I only wanted to become closer to you.”

Renjun stares at him piercingly. He still doesn’t understand what Mark’s deal is. “Why?”

“Because,” Mark starts but he doesn’t continue. He searches Renjun’s eyes and Renjun waits to hear Mark’s excuse. “Because.”

“Take your time, I don’t have a job to get back to.”

“Because,” Mark tries again. He stares straight at Renjun. “I think you’re a little like me.”

Renjun’s mind whirs. Is this a joke? Mark, for starters, isn’t treated as a delinquent. He isn’t doing badly in school. He probably doesn’t have things to deal with at home. They are _not_ the same.

Renjun stares at Mark like he’s gone mad. “What the fuck?”

The sound of the door opening and the shuffling of shoes joins them. Renjun glances at the new customers briefly, hoping them deciding on the menu buys him some time. He hisses at Mark hastily, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Mark swallows. “I just- I feel we have a lot more in common than you think.”

It still doesn’t make any sense.

“We’re both hiding,” Mark provides desperately as the only explanation.

Renjun is not in the slightest bit enlightened but he sees Sicheng taking the customers’ orders which is his cue to go behind the counter.

“I have to work.” he says resolutely. He desperately needs to know what Mark means because he needs to know if he can trust Mark with whatever information Mark has on him but he forces himself to turn away.

As he turns, he hears Mark say, “I’ll wait for you.”

Mark waits for him for the whole length of his shift and when he’s done, it’s eight at night and the outsides have taken a rest for the day. It’s dark but Renjun has ended later when it’s much darker and quieter. When Renjun walks out of the staff room in his school uniform again, backpack on his back, Mark stands.

Why Mark had decided to wait for him is beyond him. Mark had talked to Sicheng a few more times while waiting, hushed conversations Renjun couldn’t pick up. Renjun wonders how much more Mark has learnt about him.

“Renjun,” Mark says out, tentative.

“Can we talk while walking to the bus stop?” Renjun asks tiredly. He has to get home and doesn’t want to waste time sitting at the cafe talking. His dad is probably waiting for him.

Mark nods once. They both bid Sicheng goodbye. Renjun exits the cafe with Mark following behind. Mark catches up to him when they’re outside. They walk in silence for a bit before Mark breaks it.

“I guess I have to explain myself, huh?”

Renjun doesn’t answer.

Mark inhales. “Look, I only followed you because I was curious about you. That’s the truth. You have to take my word for it.”

Renjun still doesn’t speak. He doesn’t understand why Mark finds him worthy enough to skip class for. If worthy can even be used to describe him. Surely for someone like Mark, breaking the rules is a big deal.

“I’m not gonna spill, okay? I told you I’m not like the rest of the school. I don’t believe the stories about you and I won’t start any either.”

Renjun looks at him, sharp and guarded. “What did Sicheng tell you?”

Mark doesn’t flinch away from the roughness with which Renjun addresses him. “After he nagged me about skipping class?” Mark smiles wryly. “I asked him why and how long you’ve been working there. He said you’ve worked there for about two years but he wouldn’t say why. Only that you’re doing it for a good reason.”

Renjun looks ahead as they walk. “So what reason did that smart brain of yours come up with.”

“That you need the money.” Mark says directly without hesitation. “Which leads me to assume that you have… some stuff going on back home.”

A direct hit. Mark may have guessed correctly, Renjun has some things going on at home but Mark doesn’t know exactly what. Renjun intends for it to remain that way. Renjun really needs the money, that’s why he’s taking on shifts at a boba shop during the weekends too. The fact that Mark had found out part of his secret is already big enough a risk. Renjun feels the need to guard himself.

“How do you know it’s not for my addiction to drugs or to pay for being in a gang or-”

“You’re _not_ who the stories say you are,” Mark interjects insistently. “I don’t believe them. I know that you’re - you’re hiding who you really are.”

Renjun wonders if that’s what Mark meant earlier. That they have more in common than he thinks. Was Mark hiding his real self too? Was Mark so curious, so firm in his belief how similar they are that he was willing to follow him blindly despite all the rumours making him out to be a danger to be with?

And what if Renjun _is_ hiding his real self? If he’s not the bad boy the school makes him out to be? He’d rather they believe that than have them find out the real him and mock him for it. People can be horribly cruel when they talk.

He shrugs. “It’s better that way. People at school don’t matter anyway. Why should I care what they think of me?”

“But they think _badly_ of you,” Mark emphasises. “Doesn’t it feel unfair? Tell me, do you have a gang tattoo?”

Renjun scoffs. He’s heard that before. “Look, I don’t fucking care what they want to think.” Because most of the stories about him so far aren’t true. It’s only when the stories are true will they start to matter.

“It’s horrible! How can you just let them?” Mark detests strongly. “Did you cause a kid to get expelled? Did you steal money from a junior?”

Renjun finds them all amusing. “Your guess is as good as mine.”

“It’s ridiculous, isn’t it? Do you carry around a pocket knife? Did you punch someone and get suspended?”

Ah, these last two are true. “Yes.”

Mark retracts back his head to look at Renjun. “Really?”

“The pocketknife is useful, especially for cafe deliveries. And the punching, well, that fucker deserved it.”

“Okay, let’s say he did.” Mark continues. “People say you smoke too.”

“I don’t.”

Silence fills in unexpectedly and it surprises Renjun that Mark stopped talking when he was so heated only seconds ago. Then abruptly,

“Well, I do.”

Renjun almost stops walking. “What?”

Unlike Renjun, Mark is unfazed. He continues talking as if he had been talking about what he ate for lunch. “I used to, at least. Still do but only when I get stressed. Wasn’t expecting that, were you?” Mark smiles, like a winner, like he’d just told Renjun the secrets of the world.

“You smoke _?”_

They’ve reached the bus stop now and while Mark sits, Renjun stands in front of him, too bewildered to sit. Mark looks up at him and his smile is still there. “See, we’re similar, aren’t we? You’re not who they think you are, and neither am I.”

“ _You smoke_?”

“You sound stupid repeating yourself like that. I can tell you more shocking things if you’d like.”

Renjun’s head spins. “Try me.”

“I have a motorbike.” Mark grins. “And she’s beautiful.”

Renjun chokes. He can’t imagine Mark Lee, favoured by teachers and scoring full marks for tests, riding a motorbike. And smoking cigarettes. _What the fuck?_

Mark seems to be enjoying his stupefaction.

Renjun refuses fo believe him. “You’re lying.”

Mark’s smile grows bigger. “I’ll take you out for a ride.”

Renjun looks at him, perplexed. “You’re gonna tell me you have a tattoo next.”

Mark laughs. “No. Well, not yet at least. I’m open to the idea of it though.”

Nerd Mark Lee riding a motorbike. And smoking cigarettes. And a possible tattoo. Renjun finds it all difficult to comprehend. He doesn’t know how to take in all this information about Mark he would have never expected in a million years.

“My point is,” Mark presses, “I think you don’t deserve these thoughts people have of you. And I won’t be like them. You deserve better.”

“Are you saying you deserve better too?” Renjun counters since Mark mentioned that he finds them alike.

“No. But I’m saying I know what it’s like when people have this fixed image of you and expect you to do certain things. It gets tiring.”

Renjun doesn’t speak. Mark’s words float in his head but weigh deep and heavy in his mind. He hadn’t imagined that Mark would ever know how he feels, given how different they are. And now learning that they’re not entirely that different, he doesn’t quite know what to feel. Who would have thought? Maybe the spectrum is just a full circle where the ends connect together in the end.

Mark’s voice pulls him out of his stupor. “The bus is here.”

They both get on and Mark sits a seat behind Renjun again.

Renjun looks out the window and meets Mark’s eyes through the reflection. Renjun finds it easier to talk like this rather than to have to turn his head around. “Why did you skip school the other day?”

Mark’s eyes glint, either at the memory, or at the fact that Renjun still thinks about it. “Ahh that. Well, I didn’t as much skip as I had a valid reason for it.”

“You received permission?”

Mark nods, gives a small smile. “But let’s save that story for another day.”

They let silence fill in, surprisingly more comfortable than it is awkward. Renjun leans his head against the window and tries to understand everything he’s just heard in the past half an hour. It feels like a very strange, vivid dream.

“Hey,” Mark calls out to him gently. He hears Mark stifle a yawn. “Whatever we mentioned before we boarded stays behind. Agree?”

Renjun realises that Mark is as afraid as he is of his secrets being made known. By entrusting their secrets to each other, it feels like they’ve established some kind of strange bond between them. Renjun doesn’t look back, answers from where his head is resting against the window. “You keep mum, I keep mum.”

He hears the smile in Mark’s voice. “Hmm, I knew I like you.”

Renjun rolls his eyes and hears Mark let out another yawn. He knows it’s not his fault but Mark did wait the entire shift for him. He can’t help but feel bad. He mutters, “Go to sleep, I’ll wake you when we’re near.”

“Are you perhaps caring for me?” Mark asks delightedly.

Renjun holds back the urge to smack him. “Careful, or I’ll make sure you _won’t_ wake up.”

Mark laughs. Renjun glances at the window’s reflection to see Mark resting his head against the window as well. Mark’s eyes flutter close and Renjun looks away.

When Renjun comes home, he opens the door slowly, careful not to make any sound in case he wakes his dad up. He toes off his shoes and turns the hallway lights on and suddenly there is movement on the couch.

His dad sits up, groggy from sleep and lets out a big yawn. “You’re late.”

Renjun shakes his head and walks over to the couch. “No, dad. It’s only ten minutes to ten.” Renjun has been home much later, especially when he takes on the closing shift at the cafe.

“Huh, I must have fallen asleep early,” his dad chuckles. “Must be the aging.”

The aging, or the sickness or both. Renjun doesn’t mention it. His dad has been getting tired more often these few days. It worries him.

He sits on the edge of the couch’s armrest. “Have you taken your medicine?”

“Sometimes it feels like I’m still living with my mom.”

“Dad.”

“Yes, yes, of course. I had it after dinner earlier.” Renjun looks at his dad, sees his sunken cheeks and his fair skin. It used to be darker when he was more active and could stay outdoors for a long time without getting tired. They used to do a lot of gardening together then. Now their garden is almost bare of the flowers it used to flourish with. It saddens Renjun sometimes but he knows how much more affected his dad probably is. His eyes roam his dad’s facial features. It always pulls at his heart to see how much his dad has changed - he could handle the aging signs, but the effects of sickness make his heart clench whenever he looks at his dad’s face.

“Why don’t you go in your room and sleep, dad. You look tired. You shouldn’t have waited for me.” His dad waits up for him most nights, despite him repeatedly telling his dad not to. When Renjun has the closing shift, he reaches home after eleven at night. Renjun knows staying up late takes a toll on his dad.

His dad stands and ruffles his hair. “It’s the least I should do. I’ll go to bed now that you’re home. You better sleep early too. Don’t stay up too late in the attic. You’ll get sick. And you’ll be late for school again.”

Renjun doesn’t know how staying in the attic too long will get him sick but he doesn’t question it to his dad. He wishes his dad goodnight and watches as his dad retreats to his room. Their house isn’t big but they don’t need a big one when it’s just them two. Besides, it’s to their liking. It has a small front yard that his dad likes even though it’s not as vibrant as it used to be and Renjun’s favourite place in the house, the attic. He can spend hours up there. He has his own bedroom but the attic can easily be considered his bedroom too since there’s his old bed in there and most of the things there are practically his. Since he spends so much time there, his dad at one point had brought up bean bags, a bookshelf, a small table among other things. Renjun likes to think of it as a place to escape to when he gets sick of certain things of refuses to acknowledge certain truths. It’s where he hides when the world gets too much.

Obeying his dad’s words, Renjun doesn’t stay up too late in the attic and fortunately isn’t late for school the next day. On an even better note, both him and Mark didn’t get detention for skipping class because their teacher wasn’t around and the substitute teacher didn’t bother with taking attendance when they were gone. Pity, he thinks. He would have liked to watch Mark getting detention. The other students would have been surprised but he has a feeling Mark would have been smiling.

_You’re not what they think you are, and neither am I._

Mark Lee is an enigma. But maybe he is too.

———

It takes another two days before Renjun actually interacts with Mark again. Class hasn’t started yet because lunch hasn’t ended but neither Jaemin nor Yukhei felt like eating so they’d stayed in class instead. Renjun had just asked them to come over to his house for a favour, one that he asks every now and then.

“Is it time again?” Yukhei asks, eyes trained on the game on his phone.

Renjun tells him that it is. “Also, Dad says he’s going to cook lasagna since you guys like it so much.”

“I’m in! We’ll help him of course, don’t worry,” Jaemin assures him, busy doodling on his Calculus exercise book. Renjun’s pretty sure there’s more drawings of Spongebob in there than there are mathematical equations.

“It’s you guys burning down the kitchen that I worry about.”

_“It’s you guys burning down the kitchen that I worry about_ ,” Jaemin mocks and receives a smack in return.

It’s a few minutes till the end of lunch when Mark and Jeno enter class with another kid from their clique Renjun recognises as Donghyuck. Yukhei gives Jeno a wave as a greeting. Yukhei is their only connection to the other end of the spectrum since both Yukhei and Jeno are in the basketball team and are on friendly terms. Jaemin and Renjun on the other hand don’t really associate much with that end. It’s not that they don’t like them, they just feel out of place being anywhere near them.

“See you at practice,” Jeno offers to Yukhei when he walks past their tables with Donghyuck and Mark following behind. Yukhei pats Jeno’s butt in response with a “See ya.” When Jeno walks past and Mark gets closer their table, Mark stares at Renjun the whole time, all the while an obnoxious smile playing on his lips. Renjun watches him amusedly, not breaking the eye contact. When Mark comes right beside his table, he says quietly, “Not cutting class today, gangster?”

It’s a joke, _their_ joke and it makes Renjun feel weird to even have an inside joke with Mark.

“Fucker,” Renjun replies lowly with a quirk of his lips. “Mind your own business, nerd.” There’s no malice and Mark knows because he smiles at that and his eyes crinkle. Within a second, he’s already past their tables.

Jaemin has an extremely confused expression on his face. Yukhei, however, doesn’t seem to think that something is amiss.

“What was _that_?” Jaemin asks, staring at Renjun so intensely Renjun feels the need to back away.

“What?”

Jaemin points a finger to Renjun’s chest. “You just talked to someone that wasn’t me or Yukhei.”

“What?” Yukhei asks, finally showing interest. He stretches his arms above his head. “What’s making Jaemin so noisy again?”

“Mark Lee. And Renjun. _Talked_ ,” Jaemin explains firmly, eyebrows furrowed.

“We didn’t talk. I _insulted_ him.” It can hardly be considered a conversation. They barely exchanged more than a sentence each.

Yukhei shrugs, deeming it nothing out of the norm and as a result reminding Renjun why he likes Yukhei more than Jaemin. Jaemin isn’t letting him off as easy.

The bell rings, signalling the end of lunch.

“Renjun, tell me if I’m wrong but you made a _friend_?” Jaemin asks hesitatingly. Times like this Renjun wishes some of Yukhei would rub off of Jaemin. It wouldn’t hurt to have Jaemin slightly more oblivious.

Renjun avoids Jaemin’s eyes and ignores his question. “Get your book out. Class is starting.”

Jaemin isn’t happy at all and Renjun knows it won’t end there. But he’ll take a moment’s peace when he gets it.

——————

While Renjun’s dad and Yukhei argue loudly in the kitchen about the right way to cut onions, Jaemin makes use of the chance to drag Renjun to the attic to confront him about earlier. Renjun hates that Jaemin knows how best to make him talk, bringing him to his safe little haven where he feels secure and comfortable, where secrets remain as secrets.

As soon as they both hit Renjun’s old beanbags, Jaemin starts. “Look, I may be dumb but I’m not as dumb as Yukhei-”

“He’s smarter than you.”

“-and I’ve known you longer. You tell me everything so why haven’t you told me about this thing with Mark Lee.” Jaemin sounds crossed, like Renjun had broken a promise or worse, betrayed him. Jaemin has this way of making him feel guilty even when he’s not. What’s more is that Renjun doesn’t actually tell Jaemin everything. Jaemin makes Renjun tell everything, there is a difference.

“What makes you think there’s a _thing,”_ Renjun counters _._

Jaemin scoffs indignantly. “Yukhei and I keep your social life alive. I think I know what it means when you start talking to someone else. Also, you asked about him once, didn’t you? I should have suspected something was up.”

“You’re overreacting. I hardly said more than ten words to him, probably.” For today, at least. He’s spoken a lot more on previous occasions.

“You have an hour before the nurse arrives and I won’t let you leave the attic until you spill,” Jaemin threatens.

Although him, Jaemin and Yukhei are close, even closer than brothers Renjun likes to think, his friendship with Jaemin goes a long way back and runs much deeper than that with Yukhei. Jaemin is the one person he opens up to without caution, the person he’ll come running to find if the world ever ends. And because of that Renjun says, “Fuck you, Na,” then obliges and spills.

About half an hour later, they make their way down to the kitchen. Renjun is drained from Jaemin’s incessant questioning while Jaemin is extremely satisfied from the way he’s humming peacefully. Jaemin goes over to check the progress the other two have made. Yukhei spots Renjun when Renjun appears and raises an eyebrow to ask if anything’s the matter. He probably noticed them gone and had become concerned. Renjun shoots him a reassuring smile and shakes his head to which Yukhei accepts without qualms and jollily goes back to cooking. Bless Yukhei’s pure heart.

Minutes later, the doorbell rings just as the lasagna is about to go into the oven. Renjun goes to answer the door.

“It’s nice to see you again,” the nurse chirps as Renjun lets her in.

“And you, Nurse Kim,” Renjun replies politely. Nurse Kim is a nice and gentle lady and although Renjun likes her, he has never liked any of her visits. He doesn’t like hospitals either. He doesn’t like what they mean. “Just give us a minute, you can set up your things in the room first.”

Nurse Kim nods, greets Renjun’s dad and his friends and makes her way to his dad’s room without being shown, an indication of how much she’s been over. Renjun heads over to the kitchen and pokes his head in. “Dad, Nurse Kim is ready for you.”

“Alright.” He closes the oven door and sets the timer. “Now you boys better not neglect this lasagna or else you’ll be eating burnt pasta.”

“Yes sir!” Yukhei salutes.

“You can count on us,” Jaemin promises.

Renjun’s dad smiles at them. He washes his hands and walks out of the kitchen, kisses the crown of Renjun’s head before he makes his way to the room.

The three of them gather onto the couch in the living room, turning on the TV to some drama Renjun’s sure he’s watched the first few episodes of. It seems like the drama has progressed significantly because Renjun doesn’t recognise some characters and doesn’t really understand what’s happening. He finds himself watching the door of his dad’s bedroom more than the TV.

He startles when Yukhei’s hand pats his thigh. When he looks to Yukhei, Yukhei is already looking at him.

“You’ve done this a handful of times. It’s just some tests and medication. Your dad will be fine.”

Renjun exhales and his shoulders drop. He didn’t know he’d been holding them up. “I know. I just worry naturally, I can’t help it.”

Yukhei gives his thigh a reassuring squeeze. “It’s all fine, okay? We’re here to take care of him too. Don’t worry.”

Renjun gives him a small smile. Yukhei has always had this energy radiating off him that puts people at ease. It’s partly why he’s so likeable by almost everyone. Renjun doesn’t know how Yukhei does it, only that he appreciates it a lot. Yukhei’s helped him through some stressful periods. He rests his head on Yukhei’s shoulder and relaxes.

The oven timer dings eventually, and it’s almost telepathic when both Yukhei and Renjun shout, “Jaemin!”

Jaemin groans and gets up from where he’s perfectly snuggled at the corner of the couch. “This is bullying,” he huffs before stomping to the kitchen to check on the lasagna. Renjun and Yukhei laugh gleefully.

At the same time, Nurse Kim comes out of the room with her equipment packed. Renjun gets up, exchanges polite nods with her and shows her to the door. Yukhei goes to check on Renjun’s dad.

Before Nurse Kim leaves, she updates Renjun on his dad’s condition.

“I’ve taken his blood samples. The results should arrive in a week, give or take. His condition hasn’t improved,” she says, lips pursed, “but it hasn’t worsened so that puts half of our fears at rest. I’ve given him an IV drip for the pains he says he’s experiencing. He should get plenty of rest afterwards.”

Renjun nods stiffly. He feels somewhat relieved although not entirely because he had hoped for better.

“If he complains of the pains getting worse, bring him to the hospital immediately.”

“Of course.”

“We might have to consider chemotherapy if it comes down to it.”

Renjun swallows, tries not to let his gaze waver. “I see. Thank you for coming today, Nurse Kim.”

“I’ll be back in a month should everything stay the way they are,” She says, giving a sincere smile. “Make sure your father gets some rest. And dear, you should get some rest too.”

Renjun smiles, tells her that he will and closes the door after she leaves.

Yukhei has moved to the kitchen to help Jaemin with the lasagna. Renjun goes to his dad’s bedroom, sees him lying down on the bed with the IV drip beside him. Renjun sits at the edge of the bed and holds his hand.

“Hey dad,” he says, trying for a smile.

“Hey,” his dad smiles at him easily.

“How are we feeling?”

“Not terrible,” he answers. He looks at Renjun worriedly. “Have you eaten? Your shift is starting soon, isn’t it?” Renjun nods. “Be sure to eat before you go.”

“What about you?”

“I’ll eat when I’m feeling better. Checkups surprisingly take up a lot of energy,” he chuckles.

Renjun knows. His dad is tired after a visit from the nurse every time. He thinks its not the checkup that tires him out, but the sickness that depletes his energy faster than normal.

Renjun squeezes his hand, hides the wobble in his voice when he asks, “Why didn’t you tell me about the pain?”

Renjun’s dad smiles weakly, caressing Renjun’s hand with his thumb. “It wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle.”

Renjun knows he’s lying. He wouldn’t need extra medication if the pain was tolerable. Renjun feels his throat clogging up. He swallows, pushes everything down. “Dad, you have to tell me these things. It’s the only way I can help. I can’t help you if I don’t know.”

His dad lets go of his hand in favour of stroking his hair. “You’re already doing so much, Jun. A kid like you shouldn’t have to worry about medical and housing bills and all sorts of things.”

“Dad.”

There’s nothing they can change. This is their life now and Renjun has promised himself he’ll make the best of it.

“You’re such a good boy, Jun.”

Renjun feels heat prickling at the back of his eyes. He blinks a few times, inhales to steady himself. “Promise me you won’t keep anything from me.”

His dad sighs. “I promise.”

“And promise me you’ll eat when you’re feeling better?”

His dad looks at him with a twinkle in his eyes. “If you promise, I promise.”

Renjun gives his dad a look but deflates, knowing he can never win his dad. “I promise I’ll eat.”

His dad smiles. “Then I promise I’ll eat too.”

“I’ll have Yukhei and Jaemin make sure of it,” he says just in case. “I’ll leave you to rest, dad. I’ll be home late today.”

“Closing shift?”

Renjun nods.

“Alright, be safe. I’ll see you at home.”

Renjun leaves the room and heads out to the kitchen. The time on the clock tells him he has to leave soon if he doesn’t want to be late for his shift. He changes his clothes and when he comes out of the room, Yukhei has a tupperware of lasagna packed for him.

“Thanks, Yukhei,” he says gratefully.

Yukhei grins at him. “Don’t mention it.”

He fits the tupperware inside his bag and slings it on. His friends are pattering about in the kitchen taking plates and utensils for themselves. They’re so familiar with the kitchen now it brings a sort of ache to Renjun’s chest. He feels sorry to keep asking them for favours repeatedly. They shouldn’t have to do this. They could be out, hanging at malls or watching movies or playing video games instead. Not caring for their friend’s sick dad.

He leans on the kitchen isle in the middle of the kitchen, clears his throat to grab his friends attention. “I really appreciate you guys doing this. You don’t have to stay long, just see that he rests enough and once he’s had his meal you guys can go,” he says. Both of his friends stop what they’re doing and exchange knowing looks with each other. “This probably takes a lot of your time and-”

“Huang Renjun if you’re going to thank us for doing this every single time, I’m going to ask Nurse Kim for the sewing kit and sew your mouth shut,” Jaemin expresses clearly.

Yukhei shrugs. “I won’t stop him.”

“Alright, alright,” Renjun concedes. “Still, thanks.”

“You should get going,” Yukhei tells him. “Don’t want you to be late.”

“I’ll just go say goodbye to my dad first.”

“Oooh, the best part,” Jaemin says excitedly. Renjun rolls his eyes. Both Jaemin and Yukhei trail after him as he goes to his dad’s bedroom. The door is ajar so he pushes it open. His dad isn’t asleep but Renjun knows he will be soon enough.

Renjun kneels beside the bed. “Dad, I’m going off now.”

His dad raises his head to look at him. “Remember not to overwork yourself, Jun. There’s enough sick people in this house.”

Renjun smiles. “I won’t. Bye, dad.” He says and leans in to kiss his cheek.

_This_ is the part Jaemin and Yukhei finds the most fun.

“Hey, don’t forget about us too,” Jaemin says, an obnoxious smile on his face. Both Yukhei and Jaemin are standing in the doorway of his dad’s room, grinning to each other like fools. They won’t let him leave till he kisses their cheeks too. The nerves of these idiots. He’s tried it before and they kissed his cheeks instead. He doesn’t want to relive it, although he’s not quite sure which is worse - giving or receiving. Despite his blatant protest, his friends have made it a routine now - they consider it their payment for coming over.

“Dad, please find me new friends.”

His dad laughs fondly as he watches them. “I don’t think you can find better.”

Renjun hangs his head in defeat and stands before his friends. He groans. He makes a quick job of it. He pecks Jaemin’s cheek in an instant and then quickly Yukhei’s, then he’s bolting out of the house.

“Bye dad! Love you!”

“We love you too!” He hears Jaemin and Yukhei shout back.

They’re probably the most annoying friends he ever had but he’s keeping them. His dad is right, he probably can’t find better.

———

When Renjun enters the detention room, Mark is there alone. A notorious smile lights up Mark’s face when Mark sees him and Renjun’s own lips itch to curl up at the sight of Mark. Mark is sitting at his table again. Mark watches as he walks past the tables to the one beside Mark.

“About time you showed up. It was getting lonely in here.”

Renjun slumps in his seat. “Are you always here, smartass?”

“I told you, it’s better here than the library.” Mark replies easily. “What are we in detention for today?”

Renjun sighs, rubs his face with both his hands. “Late-coming.”

Mark’s eyes never stray away from him. It makes Renjun feel bare somehow, like he’s exposed fully for Mark to read. “Late shift yesterday?”

Renjun nods.

Mark hums. He turns back to his exercise book, picks his pen up and continues where he’d stop before Renjun came in. “You should rest then.”

Renjun barks a laugh. “I’ve slept enough during Physics class earlier.” He shouldn’t sleep anymore or else his work will start piling up even more and he’ll start failing all his classes. He takes out his writing materials and exercise book and dumps them on the table.

Mark is scribbling away and it seems as if Renjun’s lost him to a world of numbers and equations. Mark thrives in that world and his concentration is nothing but admirable. Apparently Renjun hasn’t lost him entirely yet because Mark tells him, “I noticed.”

Renjun doesn’t know how Mark noticed he was sleeping in Physics class when Mark sits all the way in front and Renjun at the very back. He doesn’t question it. He wouldn’t have noticed anything anyway since he was fast asleep.

“Well, I regret that now because I don’t know how to do any of this shit,” he looks dejectedly at the questions, hoping that maybe the words will rearrange into something that made more sense. It seems like he’ll be winging his way through this one. Maybe he’ll get a sympathy mark or two.

Mark looks away from his work and pointedly at him, a remarkable feat because it seemed like nothing could break his concentration. He sighs. “Bring your table here.”

“Why?”

“If you want to fail Physics, fine by me.”

“You’re offering help?” Renjun asks, suspicion and surprise blended in his tone.

“All great men are not selfish with their knowledge,” Mark states pretentiously. He still sees the wariness and caution on Renjun’s face and bypasses being patient. “Oh for fucks sake for someone who breaks the rules without a care, you’re so timid.”

“And for someone who doesn’t curse, you just did,” Renjun points out.

“Fucking moron,” Mark says this time, enjoying the offended look on Renjun’s face. Being insulted is one thing, being insulted by a nerd is another. But being insulted by nerd Mark Lee is another level of abuse. “Just come here, will you?” Mark says and takes it upon himself to personally drag Renjun’s table right next to his.

Renjun huffs in annoyance and obliges grudgingly. Mark starts questioning him on concepts he doesn’t understand, what he does understand and shows him the basic steps to solve the questions. It’s mentally draining and Renjun doesn’t think he’s ever used his brain to this extent just for Physics. He doesn’t know how Mark’s brain even operates if his brain is already struggling this much.

Mark watches Renjun solve a question on his own after solving an earlier question together with him. Renjun gives up after ten minutes of thinking and writes nothing but a mere equation which he hopes is the right one. He accepts defeat and plants his face down onto the table with a thud.

His voice comes out garbled when he speaks. “Fuck this, it’s impossible. Can’t you just let me copy yours?”

“I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that.”

Renjun groans. “It would be much faster and less frustrating for the both of us.”

Mark pokes Renjun’s head and pushes it, causing Renjun to turn on his cheek such that Renjun faces him. He points a pen at Renjun. “Listen here, rule breaker. We’re doing this my way and copying is definitely not how I play.”

“Fucking nerd,” Renjun grumbles. He gives in. “Fine. Do it your way. Fry my brains out.”

Mark grins at his misery and Renjun wants to poke his eyeballs for it.

“With pleasure.”

Detention ends around five and Renjun is beat. Mark might have explained to him better than their Physics teacher herself, but Renjun can only see so much numbers and mathematical symbols for three hours straight.

They’re both packing their things when Mark says out of nowhere, “You wanna come over today?”

Renjun thinks he’s misheard him. “What?”

Mark shrugs his bag onto his shoulders. “My notes are at home. I can lend you them for next week’s test.”

Renjun still think he’s misheard him. “There’s a test next week?”

“I don’t know about your other classes but for the Physics class we share, yes.” Mark narrows his eyes at him. “Your friends should have at least told you.”

They should have, if they were even paying attention. Renjun has a feeling they’d be surprised if Renjun were to tell them.

Renjun considers the offer but going to Mark’s house… they’re barely close enough to warrant him coming over. It feels like Renjun has only gotten to know him. Even if it was Mark’s secrets that he learns about Mark first. Maybe knowing each other’s secrets allows them to be considered already close.

Mark waits expectantly for his answer. Renjun thinks about it again. He could afford to stop doing so badly in class. Besides, it’s not like it’s going to be a regular thing. He’ll just go over, get Mark’s notes and go back home. Easy.

He exhales and nods. “Yeah. Yeah, okay. Let me just text my dad.”

Mark’s lips slip into a smile. “That’s cute, rebel. Didn’t take you as a filial son.”

“Shut it, geek.”

Mark grins as he leads them out of school.

Mark’s house isn’t that far from school and they reach after a fifteen minutes bus ride. It looks homely and cozy, with a small beautiful flower garden and neatly trimmed grass. There are pots of small plants beside the door and a cute welcome mat. It gives off the feel of a very warm, welcoming household.

“Hey,” Mark says as they walk up to his front door. “Ready to find out the reason I cut class the other day?”

“Right now?”

Mark nods. He looks happy for some reason and Renjun doesn’t know why. “Let’s hope she likes you. She’s very choosy.”

Renjun doesn’t have to ask what he means because when Mark opens the door and announces that he’s home, a small girl comes running up to him, hair in pigtails, and hugs his legs.

“Markie’s home!”

Mark laughs and picks her up, holding her in his arms naturally. She doesn’t look older than five. Mark bounces her in his arms and turns to Renjun.

“This is my friend, Renjun. Why don’t you say hi and introduce yourself?”

The little girl looks at Renjun cautiously, then back at Mark as if looking for assurance. Mark nods and smiles at her encouragingly. She turns back to Renjun and speaks quietly.

“Hello, my name is Rose.”

“Hi Rose,” Renjun says, trying to make his pitch more kid-friendly so as not to scare her. He doesn’t want to make her cry. “I like your pigtails.” She touches them unconsciously, her big eyes watching him. “Did you do them yourself?”

“Mama,” she says.

They’re very pretty.” Rose blushes. It makes him feel relieved. “How old are you, Rose?”

She puts out five fingers. “Four years old. I know how to make my own bed now!”

Renjun turns to Mark. Mark nods and mouths, _she’s four and bad at counting_.

Renjun holds back a laugh. “Wow you’re better than me. I still can’t do my own bed.”

She giggles and demands to be put down. Mark does as she wishes and she tugs on Renjun’s trousers to his surprise. “Follow me! I show you!”

Renjun sends Mark a distressed look, unsure if he should really follow or if it would be better if he didn’t. Mark just shrugs as he watches them. “It looks like my sister likes you. You should be honoured.”

It seems Renjun has no choice but to follow her. He manages a quick greeting to Mark’s mom in the kitchen before Rose hurries him into her room.

For close to half an hour, Renjun not only learns how to make a bed properly, he also learns how tiring it is being around a toddler. He almost sighs in relieved when Mark comes in to check on them, leaning on the door frame of Rose’s room. He’s changed into a soft blue cotton shirt and a pair of slacks. “How’s it going, Rose?”

“Jun did good job!” She exclaims, pointing to her bed. Her blanket is spread over cleanly and her pillows are put in place. Her dolls are arranged neatly below her pillows in a single row.

“Jun?” Mark raises an eyebrow at the nickname.

“It’s easier for her to say,” Renjun supplies nonchalantly. He gets up from where he’s kneeling beside Rose’s bed and winces at how his knees crack. He never would have thought he’d be in that position for that long taking instructions from a four-year-old. He shoots Mark a glare when Mark dares a laugh.

“Rose, I’m gonna have to borrow _Jun_ for a while. We have to talk about school. It’s very serious.”

Renjun narrows his eyes at Mark for the nickname usage which Mark blissfully ignores. Rose pouts. She glimpses at her dolls and grumbles out a “Fine.” She jumps on her bed that Renjun had just made for her and grabs her dolls distractedly.

Renjun looks on in despair as his hard work gets destroyed and this time Mark doesn’t bother to hide his glee. Mark leads them out to his room quietly while Rose is still distracted.

“I’m not gonna make your bed for you too,” is the first thing Renjun says when they enter. He sees that he doesn’t have to because Mark’s room is extremely neat and organised and Renjun thinks, of course, nerd Mark Lee (but with a motorbike and smoking when stressed).

“That’s unfair,” Mark teases. “Just sit wherever while I dig out my notes.”

Renjun opts for the foot of his bed. Mark searches through the small shelves above his study table and plucks out a notebook. He flips through it quickly, deems it the right one and joins Renjun on his bed. He passes it to Renjun.

“Here, it’s everything we’re supposed to know up till the end of the year.”

Renjun looks through it and scrunches his nose. “Fucking mugger. You’re disgusting.” He carefully puts the notebook in his bag. “Thanks, nerd.”

Mark moves up to lean against the headboard. “So, how’d you like my excuse for skipping class?”

“Rose?” Renjun asks, twisting his body back to face Mark.

“The cutest excuse isn’t, she? She might fool you into thinking she’s very active, but she’s… well, she’s not the healthiest.”

Renjun feels something twist in his stomach. “Oh. What does she have?”

Mark isn’t taken aback by his straightforwardness but reciprocates it. “The doctors aren’t quite sure. They’re still carrying out tests. She… passes out more easily than any person should. They assume it might be an immunity defect, or maybe something about the efficiency of her red blood cells. They don’t know if it’s genetics or just, you know. This kind of thing isn’t common enough to warrant sufficient studies on it.”

It’s a horrible thing to hear and a familiar anger rises within him at the unfairness of it. He pushes it down and far away, back to where it’s always carefully hidden and kept. He’s had his fair share of venting out at the world. And he’s pretty sure Mark has too.

“Well, she looks like a fighter. Could have deceived me,” Renjun says with a sincere smile. He doesn’t want to say the typical, _I’m sorry_ or _Poor thing_ or whatever it is people say when they don’t know what to say in these kinds of situations. He has experienced it enough to know it himself that hearing those words don’t really make one feel better. He’d rather people not say anything at all.

Mark lets out a genuine laugh. “Well, that’s Rose for you.”

“Was it for a doctor’s appointment?” Renjun asks, referring to the time he saw Mark at the bus stop.

“Yeah. Usually I don’t go with because of school. But that day she was crying for me even though my mom was with her. She was getting blood withdrawn that day and it scares her a lot. I usually make her laugh to distract her.”

“So you asked to be released early to be there for her.”

Mark smiles unashamedly. “Well my mom did all the explaining. I just had to wait to be granted permission.”

Renjun scoffs. “Privileged nerd.” Renjun brings his legs up and crosses them. He faces Mark directly now. “Then you saw me.”

“Then I saw you,” Mark repeats. “You dropped your bus card. Were you going to the cafe?”

“Yeah.”

Neither of them say anything next. Their own reasons for being at the bus stop that day seem to bear heavy meanings that only they can understand. It seems like the meanings have a big place in their hearts because they’re both silent after bringing them up. They take a little time to collect themselves before talking again.

“Well, it looks like Rose really likes you. I can’t believe I have competition now.”

Renjun is quick to deny. He’s more than fine if he’s not Rose’s favourite or is not liked by Rose at all. Mark can have her teach him how to make a bed all he wants. Renjun is over that. “She’s just friendly. I’m really bad with kids.”

“That insults me even more,” Mark says. “Just so you know, Rose isn’t friendly to just anyone.”

“Does that make me lucky or unlucky?”

Mark laughs and scolds him for it. Mark fidgets when the conversation dies and Renjun can tell there’s something he’s trying to say.

“What?” Renjun squints at him. “Just say it.”

Mark looks like he’s struggling and having a lot of difficulty when he says, “Stay for dinner.”

Renjun definitely wasn’t expecting that and it catches him off guard. He rejects the offer flusteredly. “I think it’s best if I didn’t-”

“I told my mom you wouldn’t but she threatened me and now you have to, unless you want me dead. Please?”

Renjun’s stomach twists and flips. He considers if he could afford Mark being dead on his conscience. He thinks he can live with it. “I still don’t think that-”

“It’ll make Rose happy. And me, not that you would care, but still. Please?” Mark scrunches his face together in a pleading look.

Renjun ignores how his stomach clenches. He thinks maybe Mark was sent into his life to test him. Mark’s already making him do things he usually doesn’t do. What’s one more on the list, right?

“I - fuck, fine. Fine,” he runs his hand through his hair perplexedly. “Just this once.”

Mark looks extremely relieved. Renjun hopes he doesn’t regret it.

Dinner was more than decent and Renjun might have been feeling nervous for nothing. Both Rose and Mark’s parents were lovely and Renjun had a pleasant time. It’s thirty minutes after seven when they’re done and Mark offers to walk him out.

Instead of walking Renjun out to the pavement, Mark does a quick unprecedented turn, pulling Renjun by his arm to drag Renjun with him. Renjun is surprised by the unexpectedness and is about to ask what he’s up to when he realises that he’s in Mark’s garage.

And then he sees it.

“You weren’t joking.”

“Did you think I was?” Mark asks as he grabs two helmets from the side.

No, Renjun knew he was telling the truth but he still finds it impossible to believe. Even if he’s looking at Mark’s motorbike with his own eyes.

“I told you I’d give you a ride.”

Renjun laughs in disbelief and stares at Mark for confirmation. “Fuck. For real?”

“Yeah.” Mark throws him a helmet. Mark gets on, jams in his keys and turns on the ignition. He cocks his head, a smirk dancing on his lips. “You coming, bad boy?”

It’s Renjun’s first time ever on a motorbike and he is terrified. He yells the directions to his house without meaning to, even if he sees Mark wincing in response. He had probably damaged Mark’s right ear drum. Every bump contributes to the scream building up in his throat. He’s lucky he doesn’t feel like throwing up. Mark’s a good driver, it’s just that he’s a fearful passenger.

Mark seems to have had enough so he says over his shoulder, “Just throw your arms around my waist. It’s safer.”

Renjun doesn’t because it’s _weird_ and Mark shakes his head when Renjun doesn’t heed his words. The next bump is a particularly bumpy one and it almost sends Renjun both flying off the bike _and_ crashing into Mark’s back. He’s hugging Mark before he realises and when he does, Mark throws a smug smirk back. “See, what did I tell you?”

Renjun wonders if he should have just let himself be hurled off the motorbike instead.

Renjun reaches his house safely in one piece although his legs are wobbly. He lets go of Mark immediately once Mark stops and Mark laughs at him, entertained. Renjun climbs down the motorbike and hands Mark back the helmet.

He exhales out of relief at his two feet touching ground again. “Thanks for the ride.”

Mark eyes him amusedly. “No problem.”

Renjun doesn’t go into his house just yet, lingers around the motorbike and Mark watches him. He saves Renjun from contemplation. “What’s up?”

“Nothing.” Renjun hesitates. “Just - thanks for your help, today. I don’t know why you did but- yeah. Thanks.”

Mark shrugs. “‘No big deal. Friends help each other.”

Friends. He guesses they are now. Jaemin and Yukhei were all the friends he ever thought he needed. Maybe he could get used to one more.

“I’ll return your notebook after the test.”

“Sure,” Mark says. “You better not flunk the test. It’ll soil my reputation.”

“No one knows about you helping me except for me, wiseass. Your reputation is unharmed no matter my result.”

Mark realises his point. “Well _I_ know so you better not disappoint me.”

“A miracle, that’s what you’re asking for,” Renjun says skeptically.

“No one better to make it happen than you.” Mark nods to his house. “You should go in. Didn’t you say your dad was waiting?”

“Yeah.” Renjun fidgets and meets Mark’s gaze. “I just wanted to say that your family’s very nice. I had a good time.”

Mark smiles in delight. “Me too. They all liked you, I could tell.”

Renjun nods. The air feels stifling and it’s almost crackling if Renjun were to describe it. He thinks if he stays there any longer, something might explode. Maybe him from the awkwardness he feels. He swallows. “I’ll head in now.” He offers a smile then stiffly turns and walks the familiar path to his door.

“See you, Jun!” he hears Mark say before the roaring of his motorbike engine fills the air. Mark is off and gone when Renjun belatedly realises Mark had called him Jun again.

———

Renjun has his back to the counter. He’s cleaning the coffee machines while there aren’t any customers strolling in yet. He almost jumps when Sicheng appears at his side.

“Thought you might want to know, your friend is here.”

Renjun leaves the rag on the counter and turns, expecting to find Jaemin and Yukhei because they promised they’ll be coming but what he finds is Mark instead.

Mark is seated at the table near the wall, a small cozy corner that Renjun personally likes. He wonders how is it that Mark always happens to find _his_ table without fail. This one however doesn’t have his name scratched on it. Sicheng will kill him if it does.

He makes his way over. He doesn’t register that he’s smiling. He’s too occupied with the smile on Mark’s face.

“What brought you out of detention today, mugger?” He pulls out a chair and sits slackly opposite Mark.

“Well, it gets boring staying in one place. Also,” Mark says leaning forward, “I was curious about how much my notes and assistance had helped the school’s delinquent.”

Renjun leans forward too but he doesn’t speak just yet for a bit of a dramatic flair. He sees Mark waiting in anticipation. He waits a bit more before he reveals his results just to toy with him.

He leans back onto his chair. “I passed. Well enough.”

Mark arches a brow. “How much?”

“I got a fifty-six.” It probably pales in comparison to Mark’s own score. Mark had most likely gotten a perfect hundred again or somewhere close. Renjun wouldn’t be surprised.

Mark almost jumps in his seat, his eyes shining brightly. “You’ve never passed a Physics test this semester, have you?”

“You’ve never been told that you’re dense and blunt, have you?”

Mark gasps. “You made a miracle happen, Jun!”

“I’d call it a lucky occurrence rather than a miracle. Also,” Renjun says with a frown, “only Rose is allowed to call me that.”

“And so it extends to Rose’s brother. Surely you know that’s how it goes,” Mark voices in a way that makes it sound only logical. “Oh, are you free next week?”

“That depends on what you want.”

“Come over next week. We can do some practice questions together and Rose will finally stop bothering me about you.”

Sicheng comes up just then before Renjun can answer, a plate of a delicious looking slice of strawberry shortcake and a few mini macarons in hand. He puts the plate on their table.

Renjun groans in embarrassment. “Sicheng, please.”

“Mark, these are for you to enjoy,” Sicheng chirps. “Any compliments please direct them to the chef in front of you.” Sicheng winks at Renjun and leaves them be. Renjun sinks lower down his chair.

Mark looks at Renjun, startled. “You _made_ this?”

“I was only fooling around in the kitchen yesterday but Sicheng wanted to sell them to see customer’s response or whatever.”

“Not whatever,” Mark refutes. “They look amazing.” Renjun watches how Mark’s eyes sparkle looking at the desserts and then in amazement at him. He takes a bite and beams. Renjun sees the corner of Mark’s lips curl up. Was Mark always this animated?

“Tastes amazing too.”

“You’re just saying that.”

“A compliment from me costs a lot.”

“Too bad for you, I’m broke,” Renjun deflects. “I’ve to get to work. Just a warning, if the cafe gets full, I’ll have to kick you out.”

“My house next week, don’t forget.”

Renjun was about to stand but now he stays seated. He inhales steadily, unsure how to say what he wants to tell Mark. He knows from looking at Mark’s face that Mark can already hear the rejection sitting on his tongue.

“Why not?” Mark asks persistently.

“I can’t keep leeching off of you. It doesn’t feel right. I’m thankful but I can’t accept your help without feeling like I owe you.”

“You don’t owe me anything.” Mark looks offended. “It’s not leeching if I’m _offering_ it, Jun.”

The way Mark says his name feels… intimate. Only his dad and his aunt call him ‘Jun’ and by exception, Rose too. But when Mark says it, it feels like Mark’s stepped into his world, like Mark understands him and what he’s going through. It doesn’t feel strange, it just feels new. Renjun is sure if he allows himself to think it, he can convince himself into thinking that maybe Mark cares for him genuinely.

“It’s what friends do,” Mark emphasises. He reaches out across the table and covers Renjun’s hand with his. Renjun almost flinches at the contact out of surprise but he manages to hold it back before it shows. He feels the warmth from Mark’s palm seep through the cracks of his fingers. He’s not used to intimacy that’s not with his dad, Jaemin or Yukhei but he finds that somehow, he’s not opposed to this.

“Look, I’m really proud of you, and myself that goes without saying of course, that you’re _improving._ And I really want to see you go further.”

Renjun’s head buzzes and it’s slightly dizzying when he looks from their hands to Mark’s face. “Why?”

That’s the question that’s been haunting him the past weeks. Why is Mark so unreserved when it comes to him? Mark cuts class with him, invites him home, helps him without expecting anything in return. Why is Mark doing this for him?

_It’s what friends do_. Are they really though? They’re so different.

_See, we’re similar, aren’t we? You’re not what they think you are, and neither am I._

“You’re misunderstood,” Mark looks into his eyes unwaveringly. “And I don’t want you to let them misunderstand you. You’re better than what they see. I think that you deserve to give yourself a chance.”

Mark squeezes his hand but it’s his stomach that feels tightened.

“Jun, you can do better, you know it.” Renjun’s silence convey his hesitance and Mark makes use of it to push Renjun to see his point. “You know you can.”

Does he?

“This was going to be my final card,” Mark looks at him carefully and leans forward as if entrusting him to a secret deal. “I’ll give you a ride on my motorbike again. How does that sound? Tempting, isn’t it?”

It makes Renjun bark out a laugh in an instant and Mark smiles at the sound. Renjun _never_ wants to ride a motorbike again. He knows Mark is just saying it to try get him to relax. He wonders if he’s that much of an open book for Mark. Jaemin had always described him as a tightly-shut chest that needs a lever to crank open.

“Fuck you,” Renjun spits out while laughing. His shoulder deflates from the tension that was building up. Mark has a strange foolproof way of getting him to do what he wants.

“Fine,” Renjun decides at last. “But only because Rose has been asking for me.”

“So I said all of that for nothing?”

“No,” Renjun says, hoping Mark detects the sincerity. “It was… for something.”

“For the bike ride, wasn’t it? I knew you couldn’t resist.”

Renjun glares at him as a joke. “I’ll kick you out of the cafe before you can even-”

“What’s going on here?” A familiar voice greets them. A voice Renjun would recognise anywhere. He turns and indeed, Jaemin and Yukhei are approaching their table. Jaemin gives the briefest glance at the plate on the table and then meets Renjun’s eye. His gaze feels inquisitive and demanding and Renjun doesn’t quite understand why. His brain lags for a good second before it dawns on him that Jaemin wasn’t looking at the plate of desserts. His heartbeat picks up. Jaemin was looking at Mark’s hand on top of his. He feels like he’s been caught doing something wrong.

Jaemin’s split second stare had made him unnecessarily conscious. He slides his hand free as naturally as he can and brings it into his lap. Mark seems to realise as well and his ears flush a pink colour. Renjun hadn’t known Mark was the type whose ears turns red easily. He takes a mental note of it and then realises what he just did and proceeds to wonder why would he even need that information.

Renjun clears his throat and addresses his two friends. “About time you two arrived.”

“Mark! Didn’t know you were visiting Renjun too,” Yukhei says in pleasant surprise. His face morphs into that of confusion. “Didn’t know that you knew Renjun worked here actually. Thought it was hush-hush.”

Renjun scrunches his face in a grimace. “Yukhei.”

“Didn’t know that you and Renjun grew very close either. He must have forgotten to mention,” Jaemin says behind a forced smile, glaring daggers at Renjun.

Renjun winces.

“He’s mentioned about you two,” Mark says nicely. Renjun isn’t sure if Mark’s trying to help save his ass or is simply being polite. Mark addresses Jaemin specifically. “I’m sorry it took so long for us to talk.”

“Me too. I would love to get to know you.” Renjun knows Jaemin isn’t exaggerating.

Mark and Yukhei had talked a fair amount, mostly when Jeno is around because that’s the only time Yukhei ever interacts with Jeno’s friends. Yukhei looks from Renjun, to Mark then back at Renjun. Renjun knows this time Yukhei has caught on. He’ll have to explain to Yukhei about this whole Mark thing later. He’s only just gotten used to this whole Mark Lee-invading-his-life thing himself.

Renjun stands and offer his seat to Yukhei and grabs an extra chair for Jaemin. He wants to get out of this situation as fast as possible before it turns into his murder scene. He knows if he stays Jaemin will drill the life out of him and he doesn’t know how much of it he can endure. He doesn’t want to find out.

“You three sit and chat. I have to go and work before Sicheng threatens to cut my pay. And I made these,” Renjun gestures to the plate of sweet treats. “Enjoy and be nice.”

Yukhei isn’t shy as he takes a generous bite of the cake. He lets out a satisfied moan. “I know I say this all the time but you should really consider opening your own shop. It’s really good. Jaemin, try it.”

Jaemin scrunches his face. “I don’t like strawberry.”

“Your loss is my gain,” Yukhei shrugs.

“Don’t be a kid,” Renjun chides. “Try the macarons then. I made them too.”

Jaemin reluctantly obliges and tastes one. He lets out a grudging, “They’re good.”

Renjun smiles at that. Jaemin and Yukhei could never say no to his desserts. A fed Jaemin is a less cranky one and Renjun allows himself to feel slightly relieved. “Alright. A reminder - at this table, there’s no insulting Renjun, no talking shit about him, no teasing him, no bullying him, no-”

“Oh, we’ll be fine,” Mark says, his obnoxious smile making a comeback. “Didn’t you say you had work to do? You should go, Jun. Don’t worry about us.”

But Renjun has a lot to worry about, things like the murderous look Jaemin sends him while he mouths _Jun????_ and the way Yukhei startles, his eyes turning big at the nickname falling from Mark’s mouth. Renjun takes that as his cue to duly return to the counter.

He’s with Yukhei and Jaemin in his attic after work. Yukhei’s claimed territory over the bed while he and Jaemin get the beanbags. He’s just updated Yukhei on the Mark Lee situation so now Yukhei is as aware as Jaemin is. Yukhei, unlike Jaemin, doesn’t ask too many questions and is more of an avid, animated listener. Renjun doesn’t tell him everything, of course. He only tells Yukhei as much as he had told Jaemin. He doesn’t talk about his conversation with Mark before they boarded the bus that day. _You keep mum, I keep mum._ Mark’s secret is safe with him as his secret is with Mark.

Jaemin cuts to the chase. “Alright, now that Yukhei is on the same page as us, please elaborate how this whole thing jumped to him holding your hand.”

“Right, I saw that too,” Yukhei comments. He squints at Renjun. “How close exactly are you two?”

Renjun doesn’t know the answer to that question. “We’re… friends?”

Jaemin looks like he wants to murder him. “Well quite close from the looks of it. Why didn’t you tell us anything?”

“I didn’t know he was gonna stick around,” Renjun explains with a shrug. “But he did. And I’m telling you guys now, aren’t I?” Besides, he’s still processing the fact that he and Mark are maybe friends now.

Yukhei fixes his gaze at him. “Does he know?” _About your dad? About why you take shifts at the cafe and the boba shop?_

Renjun shakes his head. “I didn’t tell him. But he’s unnecessarily smart so he can vaguely guess.”

“But are you going to tell him?” Yukhei stresses.

Renjun has never given it much thought. The fact that Mark already somewhat knows the truth about him has him feeling apprehensive enough. Even if Mark has proven that he can be trusted, telling Mark the whole truth is not something he’s imagined. It’s not something he can decide easily. Letting someone know his situation, his life which he tries so hard to conceal from other people, would mean a lot to him. Telling Mark would mean that Mark matters. He’s not sure of that as of now.

“I’m not sure. But I think for now, no.”

Jaemin purses his lips. “I know it seems like we’re meddling in your own affairs-”

Renjun groans. “No, come on you’re my best friends-”

“ _And_ we understand if you want to keep some things to yourself. It’s only normal. But remember that we can only be there for you if you talk to us. It’s more for yourself than it is for us.”

Renjun grimaces. “Guys, please this isn’t even that big of a deal. I get caught talking to Mark once and you guys get so protective.”

Yukhei and Jaemin exchange glances.

“Because you don’t just _talk_ to people, Renjun.” Yukhei emphasises. “For the most part of school, especially after your dad was diagnosed, you kind of stopped interacting with other people. Of course we’d be protective when you start being close to someone new.”

Ever since his dad was diagnosed with a rare type of cancer, his life hasn’t been the same. Neighbours, nurses, distant relatives and almost anyone who knew about his dad gave him pitiful glances and talked as if there wasn’t any hope for him. They whispered about him and his dad when they thought he couldn’t hear them. It irked him and he was angry at first. Why couldn’t they all just mind their own business? If they were so interested then why not do something useful or helpful instead?

He became more cautious since then, choosing not to interact with just anyone. The only people who he could rely on was his aunt, Jaemin and Yukhei. His aunt used to come over frequently within the first few months of his dad being diagnosed. She hasn’t been able to for the past year because her job requires her to travel a lot and she couldn’t put it on hold any longer (but she sends them money every month which Renjun tries not to touch unless necessary). She was and still is a great source of strength for Renjun. When he couldn’t bear to cry in front of his dad when he first found out, she was there to hold him and be the motherly figure he was missing. During those hard times, he had Jaemin and Yukhei to turn to as well. He appreciates them more than they probably think he does. Unlike most people, Jaemin and Yukhei didn’t see him as a charity case, they treated him extraordinarily without difference. And that was exactly what he needed to get a grip and continue on with life.

Yukhei eyes Renjun carefully. “What Jaemin is trying to say is, we don’t want you to end up hurt if this turns into something you didn’t expect. We know you can take care of yourself. And I know Mark is a nice guy, I don’t think it’s his intention to hurt you. But just in case, the only way for us to protect you is for you to tell us things, even if on the surface level.”

_I can’t help you if I don’t know_. He spoke that to his dad once. The underlying meaning of it is the same as what his friends are trying to say. He understands why they’re taking a serious approach even when they don’t need to. He knows they’re just watching out for him.

“You guys are such sappy fuckers,” Renjun swallows, finding his throat hoarse. “I hate how much you care about me.”

“Makes you sentimental, doesn’t it?” Yukhei smiles.

“I’ll tell you things and talk to you guys if there’s anything bothering me. So stop being such worried grandmothers.”

“ _You’re_ the one turning us into worried grandmothers, you dick,” Jaemin huffs. Despite sulking, Jaemin reaches out to hold his hand. “You sure there’s nothing else you’re not telling us?”

“That’s all there is.”

“Wait there’s one I can think of,” Yukhei interjects. “How come Mark calls you Jun? Even we don’t call you that.”

Jaemin’s eyes light up scarily at the mention of it. He seemed to have forgotten about it and so did Renjun for a while until Yukhei brought it up. Jaemin squeezes his hand tighter, in a non-affectionate and murderous kind of way.

“I thought you said Jun was only for your dad? Why does Mark get to call you that?” Jaemin punctuates, his every word like a knife coming closer to Renjun’s throat.

“It just happened!” Renjun explains defensively. “I’ve told him not to. I’ll make him stop, it’s no big deal.”

“If he doesn’t, we’re calling you Jun too.” Yukhei says.

They in fact already do sometimes. They usually stop when Renjun tells them off only to start slipping the nickname back in again after a while. Renjun usually just lets it slide even if it’s a nickname he’s always cherished. His dad started using it when his mom left and he’s never stopped since. Renjun treats it as a symbol of how close they’ve grown and how much they’ve been through together. His aunt picked it up at one point and now they’re the only two who calls him by that.

“Whatever. Are guys sleeping over tonight?”

They always do. Whenever they visit him on a Friday shift and come home with him, it goes without saying that they’ll be staying over. When they do, they spend some time with his dad on Saturday till Renjun comes home from his shift at the boba shop.

“Are you seriously asking?” Jaemin throws back at him.

The corners of his lips curl up. “Don’t know why I did that.”

Yukhei judges him for it. “Shouldn’t it be obvious by now? I didn’t even tell my mom I’m staying over. She probably knows already.”

“Uhh you probably should tell her,” Jaemin tells him.

Yukhei scrambles for his phone. “I probably should.”

“Fucking idiot,” Renjun and Jaemin say together. They all burst into laughter.

———

The basketball coach had reserved a whole restaurant for the school team to celebrate their win. It might sound grand but in a small town like theirs, the restaurants aren’t too big, the perfect size to fit a whole basketball team and a few. Yukhei had invited Jaemin and Renjun to join them for dinner since the other players are inviting their friends along as well. Yukhei doesn’t give Jaemin and Renjun much of a choice because they find themselves being hoarded all the way to the restaurant after the game.

A large bunch of boys crowded inside a space confined by four walls brings nothing but noise and more noise. Somehow, Renjun, Jaemin and Yukhei end up sitting with some of Jeno’s clique and a clique of another player Renjun remembers as YangYang. Renjun sits in front of Yukhei with Jaemin to his right and Donghyuck to his left. Renjun knows all the faces here at this table but he hasn’t interacted with at least half of them.

Yukhei, being the social butterfly that he is, is already busily engaged in what looks like a very entertaining conversation with both Mark and Jeno, who are both to Yukhei’s right. Renjun considers joining in their conversation but doesn’t because it seems like it’s moving too fast and he simply doesn’t have the energy to keep up or to stay as entertained throughout. His only saving grace in this crowd would be Jaemin, if Jaemin wasn’t already chatting with YangYang who’s sitting beside him. Renjun feels awkward being smacked in the middle but having no part of either conversation. He takes occasional sips of his cup of Sprite and tries not to feel too out of place.

“Crowds not your kind of thing, huh?” Donghyuck voices. He raises a brow at Renjun while taking a gulp of his drink.

“People, in general,” Renjun answers.

Donghyuck smiles at his reply. “You must not want me talking to you then.”

“No,” Renjun clarifies. “It’s fine.”

“I have to say, I never imagined myself talking to you given our differences but Mark seems to have only good things to say when it comes to you.”

Donghyuck gives him a hint of a smile behind the mouth of his cup as he takes another gulp of his drink. He seems distant somehow, like he isn’t actually _here,_ like he’s here out of obligation and is just going along with the flow of things. Renjun has a feeling Donghyuck wouldn’t be here if not for Jeno. A loyal and dependable friend, Renjun concludes.

The buzz of conversations and spontaneous yells sounding every now and then help to mask their conversation and prevent anyone else from cutting in if they wanted to. It would be a miracle if someone could hear them above the roar of the noise in the restaurant.

“I doubt it,” Renjun comments. “There’s not much nice things about me I can think of.”

“Ah I thought so too based on what I’ve heard of you at first. Mark on the other hand was convinced otherwise. As if he knows something we don’t.” Donghyuck’s eyes glint. “Jeno says it’s cause he’s new and doesn’t know much but I think it’s the reverse.”

Renjun avoids looking at Donghyuck. Donghyuck despite his calm and easy demeanour is quite frightening. He doesn’t know if there’s something that Donghyuck wants from him. Donghyuck watches for his reaction each time Donghyuck tells him something and it feels unnerving.

Renjun’s eyes travel to Mark in the midst of his conversation with Donghyuck. Mark’s laughing at something Yukhei said and Jeno cuts in with what seems like another joke because it has Mark laughing even more. They make eye contact for a brief moment but it’s enough to capture Mark’s attention. Mark’s gaze turns inquisitive within a split second but Renjun breaks off the contact and promptly returns to Donghyuck’s gaze.

The food finally arrives. Their whole table gets covered by plates of different sizes and courses such that the surface of the table itself almost cannot be seen. Feeding a big bunch of high school boys is definitely no easy feat. The boys dig in spontaneously once the plates touch the table as if they’ve been starving for days. Renjun and Donghyuck hold back from eating immediately looking at how hungrily they others are devouring the food. Renjun waits patiently, taking small portions of the food to his own plate. Renjun isn’t all that hungry and it seems like Donghyuck isn’t either.

Donghyuck side glances Renjun as he refills his cup. “Mark doesn’t talk much about you but when he does, he seems very fond.”

The revelation comes unexpected. Renjun finds that he doesn’t have anything to say to that.

Donghyuck continues. “It was surprising at first to learn from him that you two became friends.”

Renjun lets out a breathy laugh. “Trust me, I was as surprised as you were.”

Donghyuck chuckles. “I think Rose would like you very much. Rose is his younger sister.”

“I know,” Renjun says and belatedly realises his mistake.

“You’ve met her,” Donghyuck points out, although not completely surprised. Renjun realises Donghyuck was baiting him for it. He wonders why.

Renjun hesitates. “Yes.”

Donghyuck smiles, simple and secretive, seemingly more to himself than to anyone else. He lets out a small laugh and shakes his head. “Mark’s a tough one, isn’t he? It’s hard to know what he’s thinking. He’s very spontaneous, doesn’t like being told what to do, stubbornly does things his way.”

“Sounds like him.”

“But he’s more delicate than you think.”

Renjun watches Donghyuck’s face and finds nothing he can read based off his expression. Renjun’s eyebrows scrunch together. “Why are you telling me all this?”

Donghyuck’s gaze doesn’t falter when he meets Renjun’s eyes. “In hopes that it might come in handy one day. Mark’s been through some tough times, I think you roughly know.” Renjun knows Donghyuck is referring to Rose. Renjun assumes that if there was anyone who knows best what Mark had to go through, it would be him. He has a pretty good idea of the emotional whirlwind Mark had to experience.

“Something broken that has been fixed only breaks more easily. I’m saying this so you know you shouldn’t treat him lightly.”

Renjun finally understands. Donghyuck is worried because Renjun has an image and a reputation that doesn’t put him in people’s good books. Donghyuck doesn’t want Mark to feel hurt when Mark finally sees Renjun the way he does. _Jeno says it’s cause he’s new and doesn’t know much._ It makes Renjun want to laugh because Mark knows more about him than the rest of the school. If anything, Donghyuck would be more surprised than Mark if Renjun ever revealed the truth about himself.

“Of course,” Renjun says, restricting himself from saying more. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

When dinner ends, Renjun separates from his friends at a crosswalk since they’re going in opposite directions and bids them goodbye. As he walks to his bus stop, he sees two familiar figures there and despairs silently. He’s already overshot his social limit today and he knows dealing with more people will only tired him out further than he already is. His only hope would be them not noticing him which has as much chance as him stumbling upon gold.

“Jun,” Mark says in pleasant surprise when he enters the bus stop. Jeno, who is sitting beside Mark, gives him a curt nod of his head. “Hello.”

“Hi,” Renjun exhales, choosing to stand idly next to the bench they’re on.

“How was the dinner?” Jeno asks him.

“It was nice,” Renjun says. “Congrats on the win by the way.”

“Thanks. Glad you were there to watch and not stuck in detention,” Jeno jokes. “It would have been a waste.”

Renjun scans him quickly, very briefly and sees that he doesn’t seem to be aware of the implication of his words. Renjun could have a go at him because he doesn’t deserve to be judged like that but he’s really tired. He doesn’t have the energy to deal with such prejudice, never really does, so he’s decided to go along with it.

He forces a laugh. “Guess I was lucky then.”

Mark’s eyes lock on him, probably sensing his discomfort and Mark’s facial expression hardens. “Jeno,” he says quietly but firm enough that his dissatisfaction can be detected. “That’s not a nice thing to joke about.”

Only after Mark speaks does it dawn upon Jeno that he might have said something harsh. Renjun doesn’t blame him. It’s only natural to think that way of a school delinquent.

Jeno scratches the back of his head awkwardly. “Sorry, I only meant it as a joke. I didn’t mean to offend-”

Renjun dismisses him with a shake of his head. “I took it as joke, don’t worry. It’s not a lie anyway, me and detention.” He lets out another laugh. “It’s fine.”

“Jun-”

“That’s how you two met, isn’t it? Through detention?” Jeno asks.

Renjun hums. “The only difference was that I was there to actually do detention. Mark just wanted a quiet place to study. He should really stop studying there,” Renjun says, looking far off onto the road to keep a lookout for the bus. “I’ll rub off on him.”

Jeno laughs. “That’s what I tell him.”

It kind of stings, but Renjun doesn’t let it show. He stretches his neck to search for the bus. “He should really listen to you.”

“Jeno,” Mark says sternly. “We talked about this.”

“Relax I was only joking,” he says for both Mark and Renjun to hear. “See, even Renjun is laughing.”

A bus comes into view and Jeno hops onto his feet. “Oh, this is me. It was nice talking to you. See you some time.”

“And you,” Renjun offers.

Jeno and Mark say their goodbyes and both Mark and Renjun watch silently as Jeno boards. Once the bus moves away, Mark doesn’t hesitate to react. He stands instantly on his feet to face Renjun directly. Mark looks furious even though Renjun thinks he should be the one that’s rightfully furious.

Mark lashes out. “What the hell was that?”

Renjun doesn’t back away. “What?”

“Scared that you’ll _rub off on me_? What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

Renjun shouldn’t have to spell it out for him. “It means what it means.”

“I want you to explain it to me,” Mark demands agitatedly. “Because I really can’t seem understand what you’re trying to say.”

“You _know_ what it means. You’re smart, use that brain of yours to understand.”

Mark stares at him incredulously. “You can’t be serious! You really think that I should stop hanging out with you, because you’re what? Not a _good kid_? Is that what you’re implying?”

That’s exactly what Mark’s friends are implying.

“Don’t you think so?” Renjun bites back. Mark’s response is immediate. Hurt dashes across his face and he looks as furious as he is upset. Renjun still stands his ground.

“You think I think so?” Mark retaliates in utter disbelief. “Jun, you know what I think! Don’t be stupid.”

Renjun forcefully tears his gaze away from Mark, looking over Mark’s shoulder instead. He might fool himself into thinking Mark is being genuine if he looks at Mark long enough. His tone is cold when he speaks again. “Your friends seem to think so. They were very clear about that.”

Mark’s gaze falters and the fire in his eyes weakens. “Jun, that’s not-”

Renjun cuts him off. “It’s fine. You don’t have to explain for your friends. I don’t blame them for thinking that way.”

Mark takes a step closer. Mark doesn’t say anything but Renjun can feel Mark’s gaze lingering on his face. Mark begs without speaking for Renjun to look at him and Renjun wants to fight it. He tries but it proves a useless struggle. Mark is remarkably persistent and his gaze remains unyielding. Renjun eventually meets his gaze again, afraid of what he might see, or what Mark might see in him. Mark’s expression softens when he finally looks into Mark’s eyes and something inside him settles. Just like that. Like the crash of waves becoming gentle when they meet the shore again.

Renjun drinks in Mark’s features and he finds himself feeling comforted just by having all of Mark’s attention. It’s a new and frightening experience. It feels ridiculously dangerous.

Mark tilts his head to the side, his voice gentler now when he speaks. “I saw you talking to Donghyuck earlier. Was that what you guys talked about?”

Renjun doesn’t affirm or deny. Instead, he watches Mark’s expression and sees how it shifts into one of concern.

“Your friends care a lot about you,” Renjun says. The statement speaks loud and clear, even clearer than when it was a mere thought in his head. It latches more firmly onto his mind now that he’s spoken it aloud, as if he was validating it. It exerts dominance over all his other thoughts, too stubborn to be displaced. It’s funny, Renjun thinks, how a thought can be as stubborn as the very subject it carries.

“They do,” Mark agrees. His expression turns apologetic and his breath is shaky when he inhales. “I’m sorry. I couldn’t explain to them why you weren’t what they thought you were without revealing about you. I tried not to make them believe all those-”

Renjun shakes his head to stop him and tell him that it’s okay. He’s really tired. There’s no point in being angry. If he gets angry with Mark’s friends, there’s a whole lot of other people he has to be angry with too by default. He doesn’t want to go there. Besides, Mark’s friends know him longer than Mark does, Renjun is sure Mark had a hard time convincing them he’s not the kind of person they always thought he was. Mark shouldn’t feel sorry. 

He sighs. “Look, it’s fine. I really don’t care.”

Mark is far from convinced that it’s fine. But there is really no need for Mark to convince him so desperately. It’s easy for him when it comes to Mark, Renjun realises. Easy to trust, easy to give in to, easy to befriend. He doesn’t know why but he knows that it just is.

Mark continues to press on, almost pleadingly. “I tried to tell them not to judge you. But it’s hard to change people’s mind.”

“Mark, I know.” Renjun responds calmly, hoping Mark would relax as well.

Mark searches his eyes. He must have seen something there because he looks uncertain, afraid even, yet what he says comes out steady. “I’m not going to stay away from you.”

Renjun lets out another tired sigh. “Mark-”

Mark steps closer. Renjun almost takes a step back. He stays.

“I like you. You’re nicer than you let on. It would insult me if you think I’m going to leave just because-”

“Mark, I get it.”

“ _No_ , you don’t understand-”

“Mark, I’m tired. Can you please-”

“Jun, _listen_. I’m trying to tell you that I-”

“You’re going to give me a headache. Just shhh.” Renjun holds Mark firmly by his shoulders and the suddenness of it startles Mark, effectively shutting him up. Renjun closes his eyes, trying not to let exhaustion and irritation take him over. “Sorry, I’m just tired. Just, _please_ calm down. I’m not angry with your friends.”

“Are you angry with me?” Mark asks quietly, warily. He sounds much closer than he was before. A little closer and Renjun thinks he might feel the whisper of Mark’s breath.

“No.”

“You can be. You don’t have to lie.”

“I’m not lying,” Renjun breathes out steadily. He keeps his eyes shut. He just needs to be in his own head for a little while. He hangs his head low, his mind a struggle of a weight to carry. “Look, I won’t push you away if that’s what worries you. You can stay if you want, you can go if you want.”

“I’m staying.” Mark says without a beat of hesitance. Renjun inhales and exhales. A bit of his fatigue gets lifted with every released breath. When he feels better, he opens his eyes. He sees Mark’s face up close and he finds his heartbeat increasing against his will. Mark blinks and he watches every detail of Mark’s face at once, happening ever so slowly in his mind. He swallows nothing.

“That’s fine by me,” he mutters. He glances a look to the right and sees the bus approaching. “Also, the bus is here.” He steps away and breathes a little easier. But the comfort Mark brings is gone with it and he finds that it gets a little harder to breathe too.

Once in the bus, Renjun picks a seat. When Mark slides in beside him, he says nothing of it. He looks out the window and notes that it has started to drizzle.

“You’re still coming over tomorrow, right? Rose is really excited to see you.”

He had promised he would, the other day when Mark came to the cafe. “Yeah. But I have to leave before dinner. My dad,” he explains. He watches the raindrops run down the window.

“That’s fine,” Mark says. “Didn’t you say you were tired? You can rest. I’ll wake you up.”

“Can I trust you though?”

“That goes without saying. Here, use my shoulder. The window vibrates too much.”

“It doesn’t bother me-”

“I insist.” Renjun gets his head shoved down onto Mark’s shoulder and again when he tries to move away. He sighs and gives in. He’s too tired to put up a fight. He makes do with a stubborn Mark Lee and adjusts his head to make it more comfortable for the both of them. It’s like their argument never happened. He closes his eyes and drifts off to sleep.

———

“This is what happens when you introduce your sister to a boy. It’s like you don’t exist anymore.”

Renjun laughs, looks down at Rose hugging his leg. He bends down and picks her up easily. She’s in a lacy white dress today and her hair is half tied up. He sees the resemblance between her and Mark especially when he holds her close like this.

“Hi Rose,” he says, crinkling his nose in a smile.

Rose beams. “Jun! Missed you!”

He kisses her cheek. “I missed you too.”

Mark rolls his eyes.

“You look so pretty today, like a princess,” Renjun tells her. She giggles.

“Princess Rose!” She exclaims delightedly.

“Now that’ll get stuck in her head for days,” Mark mutters as he leads them into the house. They walk through a narrow hallway leading to the living room. Mark throws his head over his shoulder. “Rose, Jun can’t play with you today. He needs to study, okay?”

“No,” Rose whines with a pout on her lips. She puts on her most pitiful face for show. Renjun notes for a four-year-old she can be quite manipulative. He wonders if she picked it up from someone. “Jun play with Rose!”

“You can play while we do work in the living room. You can sit beside Jun and watch him struggle.”

She looks like she wants to protest but she sees the look on Mark’s face and settles for being with them while they study. “Fine,” she grumbles. “Markie bad.”

“Also, why do you assume I’m going to struggle?” Renjun asks offendedly. “Markie bad.”

“Oh, fine be like that. Wait till you deal with her tantrums,” Mark tells him. “We’ll see what you’ll say then.”

Renjun puts Rose down once they’re in the living room, letting her run off to retrieve her toys. He settles on the couch and Mark sits with him.

Mark scans him briefly and it makes him feel like he’s being put on the spot. He tenses involuntarily and hopes Mark doesn’t detect it. Mark pats his thigh. “You alright?”

“Me?”

“No, the idiot behind you. Of course you. You looked off the whole time we were coming here. Is everything fine?” The sincere concern Mark displays and the way he analyses Renjun’s face for any sign of trouble makes it a little hard for Renjun to breathe. The warmth of Mark’s palm on his thigh feels like it’s searing through his trousers.

Renjun tries to put some distance, even if a finger’s width, between them. “Yeah, totally. I… I might have caught a cold. That’s probably it.”

Mark frowns and brings a hand to Renjun’s forehead. Renjun flinches. “Mark I’m perfectly fine-”

Mark doesn’t let him finish. “I’ll get you some medicine and a cup of tea to warm you up. This is why you shouldn’t have rejected my sweater when I offered it earlier.” Mark gets up and leaves just as Rose comes pattering into the living room. There’s a blue beanbag to Renjun’s right and it looks like it’s her seat because the indent fits her perfectly when shes jumps on it. She has brought two dolls with her. Renjun notices that there are papers and crayons already on the coffee table. Drawings of what Renjun thinks are rabbits and unicorns are pushed to one corner haphazardly.

Renjun lowers his torso to be on her level. “What are you doing today, Rose?”

Rose gestures to be pulled closer to the table and Renjun complies, pulling the beanbag to the width side of the coffee table. He stays on the length side. Rose lays her dolls in her lap and grabs a crayon. “Rose draw friends.”

“Are they your friends?” Renjun asks, bringing the dolls from her lap to the coffee table. He places them to the side of her paper so she doesn’t have to keep bending her head down to take a look at them.

“Yes. Best friends!”

Renjun smiles. “That’s nice.”

Rose hands him a crayon and points to a piece of paper. “Jun draw.”

Renjun accepts the crayon. “What do you want me to draw?”

“Jun’s friend!”

Renjun starts drawing mindlessly, hopes that it takes on a human form at the very least.

Rose peers over at his paper and points. “Markie?”

Renjun blinks at his drawing. He hadn’t drawn with Mark in mind, or anyone for that matter, but if it looks like Mark, then he’ll let it be Mark.

“Markie,” he affirms. He turns to watch Rose as she draws. She’s very cute with how she sticks her tongue out in concentration. He can vaguely make out a drawing of two girls with pigtails on her paper. There’s a mixture of pink and green and she seems satisfied as she continues to add more squiggly lines and other random shapes.

“Hey Rose,” he calls out to her.

“Hmm?” Rose absentmindedly hands him another crayon. He takes it to colour in Mark’s hair. “How do you be a good friend?”

“Play with them!”

Renjun’s crayon is blue in colour and he leans back to observe drawing-Mark with blue hair. It looks surprisingly nice. He proceeds to give drawing-Mark dark blue streaks. He considers drawing in a motorbike. “I have this friend that I like but I don’t think I’m a good friend for him. What should I do?”

It seems like Rose isn’t listening, but she purses her lips as she draws. Without lifting her gaze from the paper, she asks, “Why Jun not good?” The similarity in behaviour to her brother when focused is uncanny.

Renjun shrugs unsurely. “I’m not a nice person. I think my friend deserves better.”

“Jun is nice!” She protests, handing Renjun another crayon. Renjun takes it to shade in Mark’s shirt. “Jun dewerves good too!”

Renjun laughs at her cute insistence and pats her head. Her eyes crinkle at hearing his laughter, happy to have made him laugh.

Renjun strokes her head gently. “If only it were that simple,” he murmurs quietly. “You deserve better too Rose, much better.”

Rose continues humming contently as she draws. She peeks silently at him. “Jun sad?”

Renjun stiffens. Is that shat she sees when she see looks at him? “Maybe.” He flashes her a smile immediately after so she doesn’t worry. “But being with you makes me happy.” It makes her giggle.

Mark comes in just then, no longer in his school uniform. He’s changed to an oversized red shirt and a pair of shorts. He brings in a teacup on a saucer and places it along with a pill on the coffee table for Renjun.

“Thanks,” Renjun says.

Mark slides in beside him. “No problem. So, ready to start, rebel?”

“Ready to suffer at your hands, noob.”

Mark grins. “Great.” Mark starts taking out his study materials from his schoolbag. Renjun already has his materials set in front of him so continues watching Rose draw.

“Jun,” Rose calls out. He bends forward to meet her. She hands him a drawing of a flower, what he thinks is supposed to be a rose. He smiles and bops her nose.

“Jun no more sad, okay?”

Renjun tenses, certain that Mark had heard it. There’s no way he hadn’t. He feels Mark’s gaze lingering on him. “Of course. Thank you, Rose.”

Renjun stays up till six and announces that he should get going since his dad is expecting him for dinner. He says bye to Rose and Mark walks him out. When they’re outside, Mark offers to give him a ride back.

“Your bike terrifies me,” Renjun says honestly, shuddering as he recalls the experience.

“It’s only scary the first time. It gets easier once you get used to it.” Mark cocks his head to the garage. “Come on, you’ll get home faster anyway.”

Renjun definitely does _not_ want to get used to it but it does get him home faster than the bus does. It sounds too good to pass so he doesn’t argue as he follows Mark into the garage.

He deems it his last time to hitch a ride on Mark’s bike.

In the garage, Mark grabs two helmets, passes one to Renjun and holds the other by his fingers. He leans against his motorbike and eyes Renjun pointedly. “So, what’s _really_ wrong?”

Renjun hates confrontation. Renjun hates confrontation that involves him talking about himself. “Nothing.”

Mark looks disappointed and he doesn’t hide it. “I can tell it’s not nothing.” He purses his lips. “Is it me? Did I do something wrong?”

“No,” Renjun quickly clarifies, looking down at his old weathered shoes. “You’re good.”

“You’re different today,” Mark points out concernedly. “You didn’t even insult me at all.”

“I can be nice, don’t be so surprised.”

Mark shakes his head and crosses his arms. “No, it’s like you’re distracted today.” He tilts his head, searching for Renjun’s attention since Renjun seems bent on not giving it to him. But it’s only because Mark’s stare is too inquisitive and overwhelming that it makes Renjun feel helpless. He doesn’t like to feel that way.

“Is everything okay at home?”

Not many people have the ability to ask him that. Mark does and Mark doesn’t waste it. Renjun wishes Mark wasn’t so caring.

“Everything’s great.”

It’s obvious that Renjun has his guards up. And it’s clear that Mark doesn’t want him to, not with him. Mark sighs. “Jun, I’m only worried that you-”

“Don’t call me that.” His tone comes out sharp and cold. “Stop calling me that.”

Hurt flashes across Mark’s face. Renjun sees it but it’s too late for him to regret. Mark takes in a steady breath. “Renjun,” Mark tries and it’s ironic how Renjun hates it already despite him telling Mark to do it. “Renjun. Tell me what’s bothering you.”

Renjun deflects again. “I told you, nothing.”

“But there’s obviously something that is,” Mark says frustratedly. “And I’m worried because you’re not telling me.”

“I don’t have to tell you everything. Can you please just send me back without interrogating me?”

His slicing statement renders Mark silent. Mark observes him, upset clearly written on his face. “You’re right.”

Mark looks extremely hurt and it makes Renjun wants to rectify everything immediately. It’s true, he has the right to keep things to himself, but he feels like a jerk. Everything is all wrong; Mark is sad because of him and he didn’t mean for any of it to happen.

“Mark-”

“No, you’re right. You don’t have to say anything.”

“No, Mark-”

“Let’s get you home.” Mark doesn’t look at him anymore after that.

Renjun feels horrible.

———

At night, Renjun lays awake in bed feeing unsettled, feeling as though there are bricks stacked on top of him, putting a weight on his chest. His mind whizzes with thoughts which keep him awake no matter how hard he tries to fall asleep. He picks up his phone at last, not knowing what else to do, and calls Yukhei. It’s about two in the morning and Yukhei might be asleep but he takes his chances. He needs to talk this out to get it out of his head. He wants a neutral point of view and Yukhei is more likely to provide it than Jaemin.

“Hey,” Renjun says, listening carefully for a response when the ringing stops.

There are rustling noises and a muffled groan and after a few seconds Yukhei’s hoarse voice comes through. “Jun?”

“Yeah, it’s me. Were you sleeping?”

Yukhei clears his throat. “I was, not anymore.”

“Sorry. I needed to talk to someone.”

“It’s fine. What’s up?”

“It’s about Mark.”

There’s a pregnant pause before Yukhei speaks again. “Hold on I need to be sitting for this.” A few more rustling noises. “Okay, so what about Mark?”

Renjun turns on his side, pulling his blanket up to his neck. “What do you think?”

“Of?”

“Well,” Renjun drawls. “Is it weird? That I’m friends with him?”

“Do you think it’s weird?”

“Yukhei,” Renjun warns. “We are not doing this. Don’t throw my question back at me.”

Yukhei lets out a breathy laugh. “You called me at 2 a.m. You don’t get to threaten me.”

“But seriously,” Renjun presses. “What do you think?”

Yukhei doesn’t answer immediately and that should mean something because Yukhei is always spontaneous in everything he does. “It was weird… at first. I’m not gonna lie. But weird doesn’t mean you guys can’t be friends. Friendships don’t have a criteria check-list.” Renjun hears Yukhei breathe, a calm steady inhale, exhale. “Honestly all friendships are weird. Who the fuck cares if it’s weird anyway.”

“His friends,” Renjun laughs, hollow-sounding. “But they’re right though, Mark and I are so different. He obeys the rules, I don’t. He does well in school, I don’t.” Renjun smiles wryly. “Nothing good comes from being friends with a delinquent.”

“Two different people can be friends, Renjun. And no offence but you’re not exactly a delinquent.”

Only Yukhei and Jaemin, and maybe Mark, would say that.

“But they don’t think that.”

“Then fuck them,” Yukhei hurls. “Who do they think they are to judge how close you and Mark are anyway, they’re not his parents.”

“They’re his _friends,_ dumbass. They can say stuff like that because they’re worried for him. And I called you specifically because I was hoping you’d be unbiased. You’re not supposed to side me, as much as I appreciate it.”

“I’m not very good at neutral when it comes to you.”

“Yukhei, please.”

Yukhei grumbles. “Fine. So you’re worried that you’ll be a negative influence. So what.”

Renjun breathes in, clutches his blanket firmly. “Yukhei, it’s bigger than that. The school’s not going to see him favourably when he’s associated with me. It’s going to affect his conduct and people will talk and fuck, it’s not just school, Yukhei. People in general-”

“Renjun, you’re overthinking.”

Renjun bites his lips. “Am I?”

“Yes!” Yukhei exasperates. “Look, you were never worried about mine or Jaemin’s conduct, never worried about how people would react whenever we were seen together-”

“You’re not nerds that actually have potential-”

“-it’s his choice to skip school with you, it’s his choice to stick around. You’re not responsible for him choosing what to do-”

“But what happens to him will be an effect of being around me-”

“-then he should be aware of the consequences of his choices! You said it yourself, he’s smart. If he wants to be friends with you, it means he already knows what he has to deal with. If he doesn’t give a fuck what his friends think, why should you?”

Because Renjun will never forgive himself if people start talking bad about Mark. If Mark doesn’t get to ride his motorbike freely without being linked to gangs Renjun’s rumoured to be in or doesn’t get to walk the school halls without having people whispering behind his back. If Mark is giving him the treatment that Mark thinks he deserves, then he will make sure the same goes for Mark. Mark doesn’t deserve to be treated the way people treat him. He doesn’t want Mark to suffer at his expense. He won’t allow it.

“Cause _I_ give a fuck, goddammit Yukhei,” Renjun hisses, finally uttering the truth he hadn’t want to admit.

Yukhei is silent and Renjun can tell that it’s because he’s musing. A musing Yukhei might just be a lethal one. Knowingly, Yukhei asks, “Why?”

“Fuck you, Yukhei.”

“Why, Renjun?” Yukhei demands, quietly, insistently.

“Because.” Renjun shuts his eye. “Because-”

“Because he gives a fuck about you.”

The truth is glaringly scary and Renjun hates his silence that validates it.

“Yes,” Renjun exhales at last. How could he not care when Mark cares so much? Mark had never made tt attempt to hide whenever he was concerned about him.

“Then is it really me who you need to talk to?”

“I don’t want to talk about this stuff with him. It’s so - it’s so,” _It’ll make it look like I care._

“Renjun. I don’t think you have a choice. I know his friends are nice, they’re just watching out for him but this is not their choice. It’s Mark’s and yours and if you have something to say, you should tell him.” Yukhei pauses and Renjun knows he has more to add on. Renjun waits. “But think this - do you really want him to turn away from you?”

Renjun knows Yukhei only has his best interest at heart. But god does he really hate it when Yukhei makes a valid point. Renjun rolls over to his other side and listens to the ticking of the second hand of his wall clock. He sighs deeply. “I don’t know.” In his mind, it only makes sense for Mark to stay away. There’s more to lose if Mark stays with him.

“Talk to him.”

“And if I do? If he decides to turn away?”

“Then, it’s his loss. I mean, look at me, hanging out with the pair of _delinquents_. Never got me any hate or trouble.”

“You know that’s not true.”

“Okay, maybe a bit of trouble. Point is, it’s not entirely up to you to decide. Mark has a say in it too. And whatever he chooses, you’ve still got us.”

Renjun knows. It’s just that he’s never encountered a force like Mark in his life before and he thinks he has taken a liking to him. But maybe that’s why he shouldn’t keep him.

“Thanks, Yukhei.”

“That’ll be fifty dollars. Now go to sleep.”

———

Renjun skips lunch because he doesn’t really feel up for it. He uses the time to head to the field for a momentary escape to get a peace of mind. He’s thankful to Yukhei for prying away Jaemin’s questioning stare when he had split from them earlier. Yukhei understands why Renjun wants to be alone but Jaemin thinks it’s because Renjun is upset that he and Yukhei can’t come over to his house today. The nurse is visiting again but Jaemin’s got detention and Yukhei has basketball training so Renjun has to cancel his shift to be home. But Renjun’s hardly upset at their unavailability; he had always treated their help like a luxury. Despite so, he lets Jaemin think that way because that’s the only way Jaemin will let him have time alone. He feels guilty for making use of Jaemin’s misunderstanding but he promises himself he’ll make it up to him later.

Renjun’s lying down at the bleachers, the sun rays beating down on his face. His eyes are closed and his forearm rest against his forehead. He had removed his uniform, now down to a bare white shirt, to use it to cover his face for extra protection from the sun’s brightness. It’s too hot and humid out so the field is relatively empty except for a handful of students who don’t seem to mind playing frisbee in the harsh weather. Renjun’s always liked the sun so he doesn’t mind the weather. And he especially likes it when there are few to no people around.

He’s deep in his thoughts, mulling over nothing and everything when he senses a shadow hanging over him, effectively blocking the sun out.

“Drug dealer. What are you doing here?”

It’s a voice he’s been hoping to hear but hadn’t expect. Renjun slides his uniform away from his face and opens his eyes to see Mark standing over him. Mark has an eyebrow arched and he looks at him with amusement in his eyes.

“Dreaming of designer drugs,” Renjun answers.

Renjun hauls himself up into a sitting position and Mark joins beside him. As much as Mark hadn’t expected him to be here, he hadn’t expected Mark here as well. Nor did he expect Mark to be talking to him actually. The last time they did, he had made Mark exceptionally upset. But Mark doesn’t seem as upset as he was before and he wonders if Mark has gotten over it just like that (without him apologising - which would make him feel worse). Mark sits close to him and with Mark this close, Renjun detects a distinct smell clinging to Mark’s uniform. It comes as a surprise even though he’s aware of this particular habit of Mark’s.

“You were smoking?”

Mark winces and sniffs his sleeve. “Is it strong?”

Renjun shakes his head distractedly. “Only when I’m close.” Mark had mentioned he only smokes when he’s stressed. Renjun wonders and ultimately attributes it to the college entrance exams which are taking place soon. For someone so smart, Renjun doesn’t understand why Mark would stress over them. They should be a piece of cake for him.

“Where in school do you even smoke?”

“I know places,” Mark says simply. “But why aren’t you at lunch?”

It’s amusing how they bypass the fact that Mark was smoking in school grounds and focus on why Renjun is skipping lunch instead. But it’s very them, Renjun likes to think.

“I wasn’t hungry,” Renjun tells him with a shrug. “Wanted to think some things through on my own.”

Mark nods, eyes roaming over the field ahead. “I’ve been meaning to talk to you actually, about the other day. I realised I was being an asshole and forcing you to do something you didn’t want. I want to tell you I’m sorry.”

It renders Renjun at a loss because he hadn’t expected Mark to apologise at all. If Mark thought he was an asshole then Renjun is probably the worst human being to ever exist. Mark was clearly concerned about him and he had not only pushed it all away, but hurt Mark in the process.

“You nerd, why are you apologising. Fuck, I was going to apologise.”

Mark’s throws him a glance and his eyebrows furrow. “Why would you apologise?”

“For the way I acted. And there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you too.” Renjun turns his gaze away from Mark and nods his head out towards the field slightly, not obvious enough to be seen from far but obvious enough for Mark to catch. “Do you see them, out on the field?”

Mark follows Renjun’s gaze. “Yeah, but I don’t know them.”

“I don’t know them either. But they know me and they’ve been glancing at us ever since you came here.” It’s only natural for them to be curious about what the school delinquent is doing with an A student in the field alone. He imagines the creativity that can stem from it.

Mark looks confused. “What does that have to do with anything?”

Renjun shrugs his uniform back on but he doesn’t button it up. “They’ll talk. Rumours will probably start to spread that I was bullying you, or you were forced into doing something because of me. Or that I’ve turned you bad. You can’t reverse these things once they’ve started.”

Mark seems surprised at first, but he processes it slowly and Renjun knows he isn’t smart without a reason. Mark can conclude for himself why Renjun is bringing this up.

Mark turns to him, a sort of defiance in his eyes. “Is this you trying to scare me away?”

“You have a good reputation Mark, and it should stay that way.”

Mark sounds offended. “I’m not afraid of what people are going to think of me just because I’m friends with you. I thought you said you didn’t care whether I stayed or go.”

A lie. Renjun cares. He cares and he doesn’t know at what point he did, maybe he had always cared like how Mark had always cared for him right from the start. The only difference is that Mark doesn’t hide it, doesn’t have a reason to. Renjun’s way of caring is to pretend that he doesn’t so that Mark will leave. So that Mark can walk easier around school, talk freely with anyone without anything chained to him no matter how much time has passed. No rumours, no whispers, no insults. None.

But it doesn’t seem to work with Mark. It’s stupidly obviously but Renjun realises the only way Mark can tell he cares is to be upfront about it.

“I actually do give a shit, alright? I don’t want you to suffer from being _with_ me.” It’s as ridiculous as it sounds, but as true as it can get. Renjun has learnt how cruel people can be with their tongues and how easily their words can destroy someone. Mark shouldn’t have to suffer like how he had. Scars heal but the memory remains.

Renjun once had a few people he thought he could call friends but when news of the fight he and Jaemin were caught in broke out, they pretended he and Jaemin never existed. Was it shame, disgust, or disappointment? Renjun never knew since they never talked to him and Jaemin after. It pained Renjun when he finally accepted that they didn’t trust him and Jaemin enough, didn’t even spare them a chance to explain themselves. That’s how it ended - silence and then, nothing. He sees them in school sometimes but Renjun would rather acknowledge a wall before he acknowledges them. They didn’t even come to help Jaemin the day the fight broke out, didn’t even bother to ask if they were okay. But Renjun’s over that now. He’s learnt to separate the good from the bad.

So if he ever caused a similar thing to happen to Mark, he’ll hate himself for it. Because he knows how shitty it feels to be turned back upon unjustifiably. He was lucky that Jaemin and Yukhei stuck around. A little too much, to be truthful, but he doesn’t know what he would do without them. He’s thankful that those who turned their backs on him did, because he now knows who he can trust - about himself, about his dad, about anything. He’s thankful they’re not in his life anymore.

And so Renjun has his reasons for asking Mark to stay away. He doesn’t want to come in between Mark and his friends not be the reason Mark’s friends walk away from him. He wants to protect Mark from that.

“You can’t tell me to leave. You can’t control friendships Renjun.”

Renjun winces at how foreign his name sounds on Mark’s tongue.

“You can push me away but I’ll keep coming back. I told you, I’m _staying_.”

Renjun lets out a frustrated breath. “I’m telling you to reconsider what it actually means to even be seen with me. You might not be aware-”

“Oh I’m plenty aware,” Mark says, like there’s acid on his tongue. _Then why are you still here? “_ I’ve been told shit plenty of times from Jeno and sometimes Donghyuck even, and I most certainly don’t need to hear it from you. So yes, I’ve thought about it more than I’d like, more than you probably think I do.” What Renjun hears is _I’ve thought about it, about you, and I’m still choosing to stay,_ and maybe that’s exactly what Mark wants him to hear.

“Your friends-”

“Don’t know you they way I do,” Mark urges. “I want to be here. Don’t push me away.”

Renjun thinks he should but it’s always too easy to give in when it comes to Mark. Renjun doesn’t want to doubt Mark’s friends or Mark’s trust in them so Renjun stops himself from saying anything more. Maybe things won’t always turn out so bad. Maybe he’s being too pessimistic and not giving Mark a chance. So he says, “Okay.”

“Okay?” Mark asks in complete surprise. “You’re not going to argue back or try to make me see reason?”

Mark probably doesn’t know how relieved and thankful Renjun is that he doesn’t have to experience what it feels like if Mark really turned around and left him.

“No. Stay.” _I care. I want you to stay._

Mark beams, facing Renjun entirely such that he blocks the sun and the rays shine down on him instead. The way that it looks like Mark emanates light makes Renjun think of hope.

“I have to say, I thought you’d put up an argument.”

“Am I forgiven?”

“If I am, you are.”

“Shut up,” Renjun mutters. Mark doesn’t even have anything to be forgiven for and yet he still asks for it.

Mark stretches his arms over his head with a small smile. He looks happy, Renjun thinks. Mark glances over his shoulder at him. “Are you working today?”

“No.”

“Wanna come over?”

“I can’t,” Renjun says honestly. “I have to be home today.”

Mark’s face falls but he makes it up with a smile. “That’s okay. Maybe next time.”

“No, actually,” Renjun says out faster than he’s thinking. He finds his heartbeat becoming louder in his ears. “Do you want to come over?”

Bringing Mark home is a big deal, a bigger deal for Renjun than Mark can ever imagine. But Renjun swallows, pushes down all his reservations and tells himself that he can do this. He trusts Mark. What there is for them now is to move forward, especially since Mark is persistent in sticking around. It’s a small gesture, maybe, but a it’s a whole milestone for Renjun and he feels ready to take it.

“Really?”

“Why not?”

Mark laughs, a happy twinkling sound. “Careful, it almost sounds like you’ve gone soft for me.”

“I take it back.”

“No, no,” Mark says, his face still blooming with a smile. Renjun finds his own lips twitching to release one. “Sure, I’ll come over.”

The first bell rings and the students on the field run back into the school building to get to class. Renjun however doesn’t even make an effort to move and Mark looks at him amusedly although knowingly. Renjun leans back on his palms, his uniform flapping to his sides. “I was actually thinking-”

“Of skipping? Tempting, but not this time drug dealer.” Mark pulls him up and he stumbles on his feet. “The uniform I can look past but I’m not letting you cut class, Jun.”

Renjun smiles when he hears the name Mark calls him with and a certain warmth spreading through his chest. He lets Mark drag him down the bleachers.

“I fucking hate you, you smart motherfucker.”

“Thank you,” Mark says, pleased. The second bell rings and Renjun can’t believe he’s running along Mark to get back in time for class. There’s a first for everything.

———

Renjun thinks Mark looks good in uniform. Mark’s uniform is always so crisp and proper, always tucked in, always clean. He looks smart - like he actually does things in school, actual studying and excelling. He could be a model for the school magazine. He never shows his inner T-shirt, unlike Renjun who always has his uniform unbuttoned. It feels stuffy otherwise. But Mark looks better like that, all buttoned, prim, proper and tidy. Mark’s wearing a hoodie due to the chilly breeze and although it hides his nice uniform, Renjun likes this look too. Maybe he just likes-

“And then what happened?” Mark laughs, hands in the pocket of his hoodie, torso bent forward as he tries to collect himself. He takes in a lungful of air but fails to stop laughing. “Tell me what happened next.”

Renjun catches himself staring. He laughs awkwardly and smiles when he sees Mark laughing. “Sicheng purposely served him undercooked eggs to make him walk out of the cafe on his own.”

Mark gasps. “No, Sicheng wouldn’t.”

“He definitely did.”

Mark laughs again, so hard that he starts tearing. He wipes his tears away with his finger. “That prick deserved it.”

Renjun thinks Mark has a nice smile. “He did.”

They’re about a few metres away from the usual bus stop when Renjun roughly registers Jeno and Donghyuck standing there. Jeno is looking at them and Donghyuck appears to be saying something to him. They both don’t look too amiable.

“Your friends,” Renjun mutters quietly, nodding in front. Mark lifts his head up and indeed sees his friends there. They walk up to them.

“Jeno,” Donghyuck says lowly but Renjun catches it. Donghyuck’s eyes are wary and his tone is that of warning. It’s quite clear that something is the matter.

“Mark,” Jeno calls out.

Mark must have sensed that something is amiss as well. He tilts his head, curious. “What’s up?”

Jeno’s eyebrows furrow. “I thought you said you were busy.”

Mark looks at him weirdly. “I am. I’m helping Jun out with the Physics assignment. I told him I would before you asked me to join you guys.”

Jeno scoffs and Donghyuck watches him with a kind of alertness.

“You don’t expect me to actually believe that.”

Donghyuck sighs. “Jeno, come on. You’re being irrational.”

Mark looks between the two of them, confused. “Why would I lie to you?”

“He’s not lying. I asked him over,” Renjun speaks up just to back Mark up. He sees no reason why Mark’s friends should think Mark is lying to them. He’d rather not get involved if it were up to him but his name was already brought up and he doesn’t like the manner with which Jeno addresses Mark.

Jeno eyes him distastefully but doesn’t say a word to him, only to Mark. “You’re hanging out with him, over us?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Mark asks incredulously. “I hang out with you guys all the time. I have other friends I want to spend time with, is that wrong?”

“He’s using you.” It comes out sharp, fast like being pricked by a needle. The feeling is not foreign for Renjun, to be looked down upon, but it doesn’t sting any less.

“Jeno!” Mark says in disbelief.

“Jeno shut the fuck up before you regret what you’re saying,” Donghyuck warns. Renjun notes Donghyuck looks tired. It’s obvious they’ve talked about this before. Donghyuck has a firm grip on Jeno’s bicep. “Look you had a bad day, that doesn’t mean you should take it out on just anyone.”

Mark steps closer, eyes roaming Jeno’s face worriedly. Renjun moves together with him because he doesn’t trust Jeno to be rational in both his words and actions. There’s a sort of dangerous look in his eyes. “Jeno, look I know you’re stressed about exams and there’s a whole bunch of things going on-”

“This isn’t about me. Stop making this about me. This is about you.”

Mark looks affronted. “What about me?”

Jeno keeps moving forward into Mark’s space and Donghyuck has to pull him back. “Jeno.”

Jeno turns back sharply to him, jaw tight and eyes burning fiercely. “We have to tell him! We can’t just let him do this to himself!”

Donghyuck flares up too. “Jeno, I told you it’s not like that!”

“Tell me what?” Mark demands, interrupting them. “Tell me what, Jeno.”

“About him.” Jeno’s eyes shift to Renjun with detest.

Renjun steps forward defensively and he hates the feeling he gets when Jeno scans him over. Mark sticks closer to him and there’s a strange wave of trust that washes over him. It holds Renjun to the ground _._

Mark fixes his eyes on Jeno, not letting the fire in Jeno’s eyes overwhelm him. “Say what you mean.”

Jeno eyes Renjun like he’s a disease. “He’s just using you. He’ll make use of you - exploit you. He’ll corrupt you and he’ll leave you once he’s done.”

It’s funny, what people believe.

“Jeno!” Mark yells, shock and anger painted across his face. “Take that back!”

“Am I wrong? You’re smoking now, Mark! Fuck, you think I don’t smell that on you for the past weeks? It’s him, isn’t it?”

“Jeno, you don’t know what you’re saying,” Donghyuck says sternly. “You’re jumping to conclusions.”

Donghyuck knows, Renjun realises, and he’s trying to protect Mark. A look at Jeno tells him that Jeno doesn’t. Donghyuck looks at Mark worriedly, hesitating on whether he should say something to clear the misunderstanding. But it’s not his place to out Mark like that yet if he doesn’t, Renjun takes the blame. Everything is all wrong.

Renjun sees Mark’s body tense with what he recognises as guilt but Mark doesn’t back down from Jeno’s flaming accusation. He stands his ground. “That’s a dangerous statement, Jeno.”

“Am I wrong? Tell me, Mark.”

“Renjun doesn’t have anything to do with this. Don’t drag him into our argument.”

“Our argument is because you’re spending so much time with him! We warned you what would happen!”

“And I heard you and I made my choice! I’m not a kid, Jeno. Stop acting like you’re the biggest shit. You don’t know _anything!”_

“I know that you shouldn’t be around him. You’ll just end up hurt. Don’t be a stupid fucker, Mark! I beg you.”

Renjun feels bile in his throat. He steps in front of Jeno. He’s punched someone before and he might just do it again. “Don’t talk to him like that,” he grits.

Mark urges him back. “Renjun, it’s okay.”

“It’s not fucking okay,” Renjun bites, glaring at Jeno while reluctantly following Mark’s insistent tug to step back. He sees red when he looks at Jeno. He can deal with people insulting him, but he can’t deal when the people he cares about get insulted baselessly. “Don’t speak to him like that.”

“Stay out of this,” Jeno glowers.

“Jeno, please,” Mark begs. “Don’t be like this. I’ll explain everything to you. Stop spouting all these-”

“Take a good look at him! He doesn’t bring any good to anyone.”

“Take it back,” Mark says firmly, his fists clenched. “Jeno, that wasn’t fair of you. What you said about Renjun, take it back.”

“Don’t waste your time with him. He’s not worth.”

Mark walks away from Renjun and Renjun thinks this is it. This is where Mark realises he was wrong all this while to stick around. That it was wrong of him to stay. Renjun doesn’t allow himself to feel disappointed as he watches Mark get further away from him.

Nothing prepares Renjun to see Mark swinging his arm back and throwing a punch to Jeno’s jaw. Renjun rushes to hold Mark back and Mark is seething when he speaks.

“Don't you ever say that again,” Mark spits, fuming. Donghyuck has a firm hand on Jeno’s shoulder and Jeno’s eyes are wild. Shock, anger and hurt mixed in an ugly fire.

Renjun’s heart hammers, finding it difficult to believe what had just happened. His priority for now is getting Mark away before anything worse happens. But Mark turns on his heels, grabs Renjun’s wrist and pulls him away first. Renjun is too dumbstruck to do anything but follow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry jeno someone had to be it;;;
> 
> also can't believe i wrote so much and they haven't kissed;;;; next chapter we get some action  
> im fairly new so hmu if you want at [twt](https://twitter.com/home) and [cc](https://curiouscat.me/subaks)
> 
> let me know if there are any songs you think would fit this. I would love to know!


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Is this it?” 
> 
> Mark waits, his hand holding desperately to Renjun’s. Renjun wants to tell Mark no, this isn’t it because that’s what Mark wants to hear. But Renjun doesn’t want to lie.
> 
> He lets go of Mark’s hand and watches how Mark’s face falls. “This is us, Mark.” Renjun turns and goes down the steps, biting his lips so that no sound escapes him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pls do tell me if you feel that i should have tagged something that i didn’t!
> 
> I didnt want to bring in any real schools. STU is a made up college. It’s a made up acronym and doesn’t stand for anything. There is no intended association of the use of STU in this work to any college or organisation or body that goes by STU as well.

Mark’s too angry and upset to be thinking straight. His grip on Renjun’s wrist is so tight that Renjun has to wrench his hand free to relieve himself from the strain. They’ve arrived at another bus stop, one much further in front after Mark had fumingly stormed off. Renjun had stayed quiet the entire time they walked, hoping that it would help Mark cool down.

Mark blinks when Renjun’s hand slips free, just only registering that he might have hurt Renjun’s wrist the entire time. It wakes him up and grounds him back down. He grimaces guiltily. “Shit, I’m sorry. Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” Renjun tells him, uttering his first words since they left Jeno and Donghyuck. “The question is if you’re okay.”

“Fuck, no. I’m so angry.”

“From the way you’re cursing I can tell.”

Mark snaps his eyes to Renjun. “Aren’t you angry? All those things he said about you. It just makes me so-” Mark watches Renjun’s face perplexedly. “Shit, Jun. Don’t you feel anything?”

Confused. He’s not as angry as much as he is confused. Honestly, he’s heard worse. A whole lot more foul language, some insults about his family and his upbringing. He’s definitely faced worse. The only thing worth feeling anything about was the fact that Mark stood up for him - for his right to be treated fairly. And Mark had punched Jeno for it. He still has difficulty believing it and is still trying to grasp it as reality.

“I’m sorry he blamed you for me smoking,” Mark mutters. “I didn’t tell him.”

“But you told Donghyuck,” Renjun approaches carefully.

Mark smiles wryly. “Donghyuck isn’t the the president of the student council. If I get caught with cigarettes in my bag and they get questioned as well, it would affect Jeno greatly. I couldn’t do that to him.”

“So you didn’t tell him.”

Mark shakes his head. “Maybe I should have. I just didn’t want to put his position at risk. But now he thinks it’s all because of you. And god all those things he said about you! It still riles me up thinking about it,” Mark lets out in frustration. He looks conflicted. “Jeno, he - you have to understand, Jeno’s very kind.”

“Could have fooled me.”

“Jeno is _nice_ ,” Mark insists. “But these day’s he’s been on edge because he has a lot of things going on. I knew he was going to crack, not like this- not at _you_ , not- god he’s such an idiot. _I’m_ such an idiot.” Mark exhales, his hands pulling on his face. His looks to Renjun for some sort of reaction which he can’t seem to find. He throws his hands in the air incredulously. “He insulted you! Why aren’t you saying anything?”

Renjun only blinks. “He doesn’t like me very much, does he?”

Mark exhales exasperatedly. “Why aren’t you angry?”

Renjun contemplates reaching out for Mark’s hand but thinks better of it. “Would you believe me if I told you Jeno’s insult was one of the nicer ones?”

“Fuck, Jun, that’s-”

“So, don’t ask me if I’m okay. I am. I want to know if you are.”

“I don’t know. I just punched my best friend.” Mark laughs almost hysterically, running his hand through his hair. “It’s a lot to take in.”

It is and Renjun understands. Which is why he says, “Let me send you home.” Mark probably needs time to collect himself and fully digest everything that had just happened. It’s not everyday you throw your fist at your best friend’s face.

Mark rejects it firmly. “No, I don’t want to think about it anymore. We were supposed to go to your place anyway. Can I still go?”

Renjun asks him if he is sure and Mark assures him that he is. Renjun can tell that Mark is still shaken but he doesn’t mention it. He just nods, keeps Mark close to him and brings him home.

Renjun checks the time as they walk to his front door. He has at least twenty more minutes before Nurse Kim arrives. He can’t help feeling anxious. It’s the first time in a long while since he’s brought anyone who isn’t Jaemin or Yukhei over.

“Hey,” Renjun mutters as they get closer to his house. “Ready to find out the reason I cut class?”

When they enter, Renjun toes off his shoes and pats across the carpet into the living room quietly just in case his dad is resting. He sees his dad on his laptop at the armchair, glasses perched on his nose. Ever since his dad was diagnosed, his dad’s company had been accommodating, letting him work freelance and from home. Renjun personally prefers having his dad home too because it lessens his worries. He hasn’t seen his dad on his laptop recently and the sight of it makes him feel glad. It seems like the sickness isn’t very unkind to him today.

His dad looks up when he comes in, a soft smile lighting up his face. “I was wondering when you would arrive. Oh, a new face. Who is this?”

Mark bows politely beside Renjun. “Mark Lee. Nice to meet you, sir.”

“Mark’s a friend from school,” Renjun supplies. “He’s helping me out with some schoolwork.”

“I like him,” his dad chuckles. “He calls me sir.”

“It’s another way of saying you’re old, dad,” Renjun remarks. “Mark, just sit anywhere you like. You’re okay with juice, right? Dad, do you want some tea?”

“I wouldn’t say no to tea.”

When Renjun comes out of the kitchen with the drinks, Mark is sitting comfortably on the couch chatting animatedly with his dad. He serves them their drinks and perches on the armrest of the armchair his dad is seated at, listening to but not really absorbing their conversation. He’s more immersed with watching how Mark and his dad get along fairly quickly. He doesn’t know why but it makes him feel really happy to see it.

The doorbell rings promptly after a few minutes and Renjun gets up to get it. He bows politely and greets Nurse Kim when he opens the door. “Hello, Nurse Kim.”

She smiles warmly at him as he lets her in. “How are we today?”

“Great. Dad’s been doing some work in the living room. You can go ahead and get everything ready first.”

“Nice to see that you’re all doing well,” she says kindly and then as per routine, makes her way into his dad’s bedroom.

Mark’s eyes follow Nurse Kim’s movement when she enters, trying his best not to stare curiously. Renjun meets his gaze briefly and sends him a promise of _later._

Renjun goes over to his dad pats his dad’s arm comfortingly. _“_ Dad, it’s time.”

His dad sighs. “I hate checkups.”

“I hate them too.”

His dad kisses his hair and warns both him and Mark not to play around too much and to at least get some work done. When he disappears into his room, Renjun looks at Mark tentatively and Mark simply blinks back.

“Follow me. I want to show you something.”

Renjun brings Mark to his attic. Mark is enamoured by it the moment his head pops in and it makes Renjun feel a little proud. It isn’t much, simply a space Renjun likes to call his own. It’s cozy and has everything from when he was young. There’s a whole load of things that has to be thrown but has stayed for years. Mark takes a walk around, observing every little thing. Renjun still has drawings framed from when he was six. Renjun stands near his old bed next to the bean bags, arms crossed as he watches Mark circle around.

“I love it here,” Mark says, smiling. It makes Renjun smile.

Mark nears a small dresser placed against one wall of the attic and picks up one of the frames sitting atop it.

“How old were you in this?”

Renjun knows what picture Mark is referring to. It’s a picture of him and his dad at the beach. He was in a white and blue striped shirt while his dad was in a loose grey tank top. They’re both holding up peace signs with a view of the sea in the back. He was nine then and it was during summer break. He likes that picture a lot, it’s one of his fondest memories with his dad. It was also the start of a tradition every summer, but they had missed it last year and this year.

“Nine. It was at a beach about two hours’ drive from here.”

“Looks like you had fun.”

Renjun sits at the foot of the bed. “It was.”

Mark puts the frame down and leans against the dresser to face Renjun. “Is it just you and your dad?”

“Mom left when I was eight. Divorce.” Renjun shrugs. “Mom’s cool but I haven’t talk to her for some time. Honestly, I like how things are, just dad and I.”

“Your dad is really nice. He’s funny.”

Renjun scrunches his nose. “He’s like a kid sometimes.” He plays with his fingers in his lap. “I was sixteen when he was diagnosed with cancer. It’s a rare one, they don’t really know what to expect. He’s been doing well so far.”

“He’ll continue to do well,” Mark says gently. “You have to believe it. I think it helps, for me at least.”

Renjun looks up. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Renjun walks to the dresser and picks up another frame. It’s a picture of him and Jaemin with arms round each other’s shoulders and mischievous grins on their faces. Renjun has a large plaster on his knee. “This was when Jaemin and I were twelve. We were really a handful.” Renjun laughs, looking at the picture fondly. He remembers that day. His dad had brought both him and Jaemin to the park. Jaemin had spilled ice-cream all over himself and Renjun bled all over his knee about an hour later due to a nasty fall. His dad couldn’t have had a harder time. “A lot of friends came and went but Jaemin stayed. Yukhei came in a few years ago and never left. Now they’re all I have.”

“You can count me in too,” Mark says, his fingers shy of touching Renjun’s on the dresser. It only takes a second for Mark to let their hands meet. Mark gives his hand a reassuring squeeze. Renjun puts the frame down and turns his body to Mark.

“Yeah?”

Mark smiles. “Yeah.”

They’re standing quite close, close enough that their feet clash against each other. Close enough for Renjun to see the mole on Mark’s face, close enough that if he were to lean in-

He smells the cigarette hanging off of Mark’s uniform. It’s not as distinct as before but it’s still there. The words Jeno said earlier comes floating back into his mind and he gets compelled by the need to ask. He eyes Mark worriedly.

“How much have you been smoking? Jeno mentioned earlier that it’s been weeks. Is there something wrong?”

Mark laughs, a clear deflection. “Are you worried about me now?”

_Of course I’m worried about you_. “You only smoke when you’re stressed. What is it? Is it the exams?”

Mark looks at him and his eyes flicker away almost instantly. “Yes.”

A lie. Why?

Renjun squeezes his hand. “Tell me the truth.”

“It is,” Mark sighs, eyes trained on the wooden planks beneath their feet. “It’s the exams, and Donghyuck and Jeno- I fucking punched Jeno, god. There’s Rose of course but it’s mostly you.” There’s a bitter smile on Mark’s face that Renjun doesn’t understand. Mark brings his head up and meets Renjun’s eyes. “Mostly you.”

Renjun falters and steps back. He doesn’t mean it, or maybe he does, but his hand slips free from Mark’s. “Me?”

Mark runs his hand through his hair perplexedly. “Yeah. You. That’s how much you’re invading my mind. You’re so hard to crack, you know that?” Mark laughs but it’s empty-sounding.

Renjun’s mind is reeling. Mark Lee cut class because of him. Mark Lee punched his own friend because of him. Mark Lee smokes because of him. Renjun doesn’t know how much more, is afraid to know how much more Mark might do for him. How much more he can accept before he can’t.

Renjun steps forward again, intent on intruding Mark’s space. He needs to understand Mark and he can’t do that if Mark doesn’t want to look at him. This close, it’s stronger, the trace of nicotine on Mark’s breath.

Renjun tilts his head so that he can catch Mark’s gaze and look him directly in the eye. “How much have you smoked the past weeks?”

Mark can’t hold the eye contact. “More than you think.”

“How many times because of me?”

Mark doesn’t answer. Renjun’s heart pounds louder and louder in his ears.

“Mark.”

Mark snaps his gaze fiercely back at him. “What do you want, Jun? What do you want to hear?”

_That you’re lying. That you don’t actually think of me._

“Don’t smoke because of me.” _Don’t start destroying yourself because of me. Don’t do things you usually won’t because of me. Don’t think about me that much, don’t-_

“Fuck, Jun. It’s way too late to tell me that.”

Renjun hears his own breath falter. “Why?”

“Because.” Mark’s hands slowly and carefully come up to cup his face. His touch sends flutters through Renjun’s skin and Renjun sees nothing but his eyes. Tender, gentle, hesitance, trust.

Trust.

Renjun’s heart races and before he can register anything, Mark is leaning in. Renjun closes his eyes at the last second, afraid. He’s afraid. But when Mark’s lips touch his, the trust that he saw in Mark’s eyes washes over him and it’s like something inside him comes alive. His breath gets caught in his throat but his instincts take over and he’s kissing Mark back before he knows it, trades breath for breath, trust for trust. He feels Mark’s relief rather than hears it and he coaxes Mark’s lips to part for him. His hands cling onto Mark’s shoulders, treating them as anchors because everything makes him feel heady; the way Mark licks the roof of his mouth, the way Mark presses closer to him. He tastes the nicotine on Mark’s tongue and it floods sense back into his head. Yet Mark keeps kissing him and it feels, it feels-

He pulls back, a gasp escaping his throat. His eyes are closed and he hears Mark’s panting mixed with his when their foreheads touch.

“Don’t smoke because of me,” he whispers, desperate, earnest. “Fuck, Mark, don’t smoke because of me.”

Mark leans in again and connects their mouths and Renjun is taken once more, finding it too easy to get lost in the feeling of Mark’s lips against his.

Mark, Renjun thinks, is really such an enigma. He’s unexpected half of the time and Renjun wishes he isn’t, at least not when it comes to him. He doesn’t want to be the reason Mark acts recklessly, doesn’t want to bring in useless worry into Mark’s life anymore.

“Mark,” Renjun gasps, in between kisses. But Mark reels him back in and he tugs Mark’s lips, making Mark release a muffled moan. He kisses the corner of Mark’s lips. Breathless, he asks, “Mark, did you hear me?”

“Yeah,” Mark says, winded. “I won’t. I won’t anymore.”

Guilt eats at him when he thinks about causing a mess in Mark’s life ever since they met. “Good,” Renjun says, hiding the quiver in his voice. He finds his way back to Mark’s lips. He fits his lips against Mark’s once more and kisses Mark like Mark means everything to him. Maybe Mark does but maybe Mark shouldn’t. He kisses Mark like he’s sorry because he is, for everything. He kisses Mark because he likes him. So, so much. He kisses Mark because he _likes_ him, so he doesn’t understand why it feels like his heart is ripping apart. He tugs Mark’s lips again and slips in his tongue and Mark meets him in the middle.

“Don’t punch your friends because of me,” he pants. “Don’t punch them- don’t smoke- don’t - _fuck_ , Mark.” Mark kisses him deeper, so sweetly, so tenderly that the delicateness of it breaks him apart even more. He belatedly finds his cheeks wet and he can’t remember at which point he had started crying.

“Jun,” Mark whispers, now kissing his lips softly, peck after peck. “Hey, it’s okay.” Renjun presses another kiss to Mark’s lips, an apology, and he thinks, _this is it_. _I can’t let myself have this_. Mark wipes his tears and cradles his head into his chest. He feels the thumping of Mark’s heart against his temple. His body shakes from how he’s trying to hold back the tears. But when Mark embraces him, he can’t help letting it all out.

“What’s wrong?” Mark asks softly, hands sifting through his hair. “Why are you crying?”

_Because no one has ever cared this much for me. Because I’m sorry you’re doing all these things you wouldn’t have if it weren’t for me._

Renjun sobs, an ugly sound. He fists Mark’s hoodie and hides his face in Mark’s chest. “Don’t do any more stupid things because of me,” he mumbles between muffled sobs. _I’m not worth that much._

“Hey. Hey, it’s okay. Shhh, it’s okay.”

His voice shakes. “Say you won’t.”

Mark kisses his hair and rests his chin on top of his head. A defeated sigh. “I won’t, shh. I won’t. Don’t cry anymore.”

Whatever happens in the attic, stays in the attic. Renjun intentionally avoids having to look directly at Mark, too embarrassed by his onset of tears. They head down awkwardly, none of them saying anything, mostly because it would be inappropriate to do so, what with his dad and Nurse Kim around. Renjun shows Nurse Kim out when Nurse Kim is done, checks on his dad after and tries to do the school assignment with Mark in a very awkward atmosphere for a good two hours and a half. Mark leaves just as it starts to get dark.

“Thanks for today,” Renjun says, walking Mark out to the main road that leads to the bus stop. “What are you going to do about Jeno?”

“I don’t know. He’s probably angry at me. But I’m really angry at him too. I’ll have to figure things out with him, I guess.” Mark clears his throat. “It was nice meeting your dad today. I’ll see you in school?”

“Yeah, sure.”

The air crackles with tension. Mark watches his reaction, as if waiting for something. Renjun doesn’t know what to do. He takes a step back stiffly and convinces himself that Mark doesn’t look disappointed. He hugs his torso. “Say hi to Rose for me.”

“You should come over and tell her yourself.”

“I’ll try to find a day,” Renjun tells him. “I’ll see you around, mugger.”

Mark smiles but it looks off. “See you, rebel.”

Renjun watches Mark’s back as Mark walks away. If he thought he could breathe easier with Mark gone, he was wrong.

———

“Huang Renjun,” Jaemin hisses in a whisper. “What the fuck do you mean he punched Jeno because of you?”

“You know,” Yukhei whispers, “that would explain Jeno’s foul mood when I talked to him this morning.”

Renjun eyes Mark coming over to their table. “Shut up. I’ll explain everything later.”

Mark approaches and Renjun shifts to make room for him. Mark smiles at them appreciatively, eyes lingering on Renjun longer than they should and takes a seat next to him.

He looks tired, that’s the first thing Renjun registers. He must have been worrying endlessly about the situation with his friends. Fortunately, Renjun doesn’t detect any trace of cigarette on his clothes so that’s one less thing to worry about. Renjun’s too distracted by Mark’s appearance to realise that the cafeteria has transformed into an increasingly loud buzz of whispers. There are plenty of blatant stares directed to their table and to Jeno’s.

Renjun had forgotten about this part - the part where the school erupts from its dormant state upon observing something against the status quo. Despite all the noise surrounding them, Mark doesn’t seem to be bothered by it and if he is, he’s good at hiding it. Jaemin unsurprisingly doesn’t seem to care while Yukhei seems amused at how easily entertained people can be.

“Jeno just left the cafeteria with Donghyuck,” Yukhei informs quietly, his eyes trailing after Jeno’s movements. Renjun and Mark have their backs to Jeno’s table so they aren’t able to see what’s happening but maybe it’s better that way. It would be harder for Mark if he was facing his friends.

“What do I do about him?” Mark mumbles wearily, talking about Jeno.

Renjun purses his lips. “Have you talked to him?”

“Over the phone. But it ended in another argument. He’s so stubborn, I swear.”

“That’s why you’re best friends, huh?”

Mark glares at him. “I will not hesitate to run you over with my bike.”

Yukhei gives Mark a comforting smile. “Best friends get into all sorts of shit. One time, I lost both Jaemin’s phone and his wallet. But look at us now.” Yukhei returns Jaemin’s scowl with a cheery smile. “Closer than ever! It’ll all work out. You just need a bit of time.”

Renjun doesn’t know if losing your best friend’s valuables is the same as punching them but Mark does seem to feel better after listening to Yukhei. They let the topic about Jeno end there in favour of Mark. They eat, joke and chat and Mark fits right in without any problem. They pay no mind to the whispers surrounding them and the buzz dies without having any climax to feed on. Mark seems to have cheered up more, his cheeks start to colour from all the chatting and joking and his eyes look brighter. Renjun concludes that he prefers it when Mark smiles, because his dimple pops out and it makes him look much-

“Are you guys, like, dating?”

Renjun is reeled back into the conversation and he almost chokes.

“Yukhei, what the fuck?”

Mark fidgets a little, too smooth a movement to be noticed, but Renjun manages to pick it up since he’s seated close to him.

“Honestly, I’m curious too,” Jaemin speaks, eyeing the two of them suspiciously. “You two look pretty chummy.”

Renjun’s stomach grows a knot. He hadn’t thought they seemed that way in people’s eyes. It comes unexpected because he had initially been afraid that Jaemin and Yukhei would sense the awkwardness between them instead, a result of the _thing_ that happened in the attic. The _thing_ that neither of them have brought up ever since it happened. Renjun doesn’t know if he ever wants to talk about it, doesn’t think he’s ready to. Maybe he’ll just forget about it and hopefully so will Mark. The problem is, he doesn’t think he’ll forget it anytime soon, or ever for that matter. Especially not when Mark continues to be around him.

“Do we?” Mark laughs awkwardly when Renjun takes too long to respond to Jaemin’s observation.

“We’re not.. we’re not like that.” Renjun clarifies stiffly. “Stop assuming things.” He feels Mark’s gaze lingering on him and it’s almost unbearable, in a way that makes him feel all jittery. He tries not to let it show but it feels like he’s been found out with how Mark keeps staring. Mark’s gaze slips away eventually and only then is Renjun able to be more collected.

“You sure you’re not holding hands under the table or something?” Yukhei eyes them suspiciously.

“Yukhei, I will break your fingers.”

Mark smiles at Yukhei sympathetically. He lifts his hands from behind his tray and bowl. “My hands are up here, sorry to disappoint.”

Yukhei’s interrogation is cut short by the ringing of the school bell. Mark promptly ushers them all up and out of the cafeteria to head for their respective lessons. Jaemin purposely waits behind to walk with Renjun and Renjun doesn’t like whatever Jaemin’s intention is already.

Jaemin loops his arm in Renjun’s and sidles close, disguising his motive as a friendly behaviour. Discreetly, he whispers into Renjun’s ear, “You’re really not dating him?”

Blood rushes up Renjun’s neck. “The fuck, Na. I told you, no.”

“Why aren’t you dating him?”

Renjun looks at him incredulously and hisses, “Why would I date him?”

Jaemin hums, eyes trained on Mark’s and Yukhei’s backs. In a low whisper, he says, “Because Huang, you were staring at him the whole time. What do you think prompted Yukhei to ask?”

Renjun doesn’t have anything to say to that.

———

When Renjun enters the detention room, Mark is there alone doing his own work. Mark sits at the same spot he usually does which also means he’s sitting at Renjun’s table. Mark doesn’t notice Renjun entering so Renjun slips in quietly to the table next to Mark’s. It’s only then Mark registers that he’s not alone.

“You received detention today?” Mark asks, tone laced with surprised. Surprise, because Renjun hasn’t been in detention for a while now. No one has for that matter. School’s coming to an end soon, what with final exams approaching. Everyone’s trying to stay out of trouble as best as they can since there’s only a few weeks of school left. Best not to worsen one’s conduct grade with school closing soon enough.

“No,” Renjun answers. “I was looking for you.”

“You don’t have a shift today?”

“It isn’t until five.”

“Oh.” Collectedly, with carefully hidden tiredness, Mark says, “Come here.”

Renjun pushes his table to stick it next to Mark’s.

“Why were you looking for me?”

_I was worried._ “I need help with the assignment questions.”

It’s partially true because Renjun for the life of him can’t go more than two steps whenever he tries to solve them. The complete truth, however, is that he simply wanted an excuse to see how Mark’s holding up. It’s been almost a week and Mark and Jeno haven’t been talking still.

Mark looks at him disapprovingly but it’s barely offensive. “Just so you know, it pains me that you forget whatever I’ve taught you. Just in case you have a conscience in there somewhere that I can provoke. I’ll show you how to do the first one but you have to try the rest yourself.”

Mark goes through the first question with him and Renjun makes an effort to listen attentively. Mark explains the reasons behind each step with perfect clarity. Renjun knows how much of a nerd Mark is (a compliment of course, never an insult) yet he still feels a sort of amazement and admiration to observe Mark knowing and explaining things like it’s only natural to know them. He knows Mark is extremely intelligent yet he never fails to be impressed by how intelligent Mark can be. There’s just something about watching Mark exuding confidence while he works that makes him feel proud.

The more Mark explains, the more Renjun starts to understand what the question wants him to do. His confidence is short-lived however when he tries the next questions on his own. He’s able to do at least two more questions before he gets stuck again. He’s made some progress at least. He had come with the intention to check on Mark anyway, the assignment wasn’t really his main goal. Mark looks like he’s holding up well so far - it doesn’t seem like he’s worrying about Jeno, among other things. Renjun doesn’t completely buy it because there’s a chance that Mark could be feigning it. Renjun cares about him and he thinks that the least he can do is to show Mark that he’s always close if Mark ever needs him.

Mark puts his pen down while Renjun is in the middle of watching him. When Mark stretches his arms and makes to peer over at Renjun’s book to observe how much he’s done, Renjun quickly pretends to be writing something.

“Huang Renjun,” Mark snaps, pulling Renjun’s book closer between them. Mark calling him by his full name is never a good sign. Mark squints at his book. “Are these… have you been drawing dicks when I clearly asked you to do the questions?”

“I solved two of them! Well two and a half.” In Renjun’s defence, he was never interested in doing the assignment.

“Yes and you drew five dicks,” Mark says flatly.

“It’s not my fault drawing dicks is easier than solving these fucking questions.”

“They don’t even look that nice!”

Renjun splutters. Was Mark _judging_ his dick doodles?

Mark grabs Renjun’s notebook and steals Renjun’s pencil from his fingers. He does a very quick drawing and then shoves the notebook back to Renjun, a smug smile on his face. “Mine looks way better.”

Renjun looks at the dick Mark drew in his book in disbelief. Admittedly, it kind of does look better than the five that he’s drawn but he’s not going to let Mark have that satisfaction.

He shakes his head. “You’re delusional.”

“You’re in denial.”

Renjun takes his book back and does up another doodle. He pushes it between them and says, “Okay, this one really looks like a dick. You can’t disagree.”

Mark brings himself closer and bumps his head against Renjun’s such that their heads are touching. He stares at Renjun’s doodle, eyebrows scrunched together. “You drew a face. How is this a dick?”

“I don’t know, kind of looks like Jeno doesn’t it?”

Mark gasps. His eyes turn round, two cute little ‘O’s perfectly displaying his astonishment. “Jun! Jeno isn’t a dick!” He whispers it, as if afraid someone might hear and tell on them. He laughs easily and it sounds light and freeing, the first one Renjun’s heard all day. It brings Renjun relief because Mark had seemed down for most part of the day and he had been trying to get that laugh out of Mark since morning.

Mark’s eyes glint. “I can’t believe you said that.”

“I can’t believe it took drawing dicks to finally make you laugh.”

Mark’s gaze changes and he looks at Renjun with a sort of gentleness and affection. Renjun doesn’t want to name all the emotions he sees. He hates it whenever Mark looks at him like that. Contradictorily, he likes it a lot too. His heart starts thumping faster whenever Mark looks at him that way and it’s baffling. They could be doing nothing at all and suddenly when Mark looks at him, his heart rate skyrockets without reason. It’s kind of what’s happening now. They’re simply huddled together over a Physics notebook littered with dick doodles yet his heart is racing hopelessly. But it’s so easy to _feel_ when Mark has that look in his eyes. It’s nothing extraordinary yet it makes everything sparkle and shine at the same time. Renjun feels sparks, flames, a blaze burning in his chest. It would be so easy if he were to just -

“Were you worried about me?” Mark whispers. There’s no reason why Mark should but it feels appropriate - like they’d destroy something delicate otherwise. Like they’ve trapped this moment between them in a bubble and speaking loudly might just pop it and make everything here, now, be lost and never retrieved.

Renjun swallows, his gaze lingering on Mark’s lips before he catches himself and forces his eyes to meet Mark’s instead.

“It was getting boring without you insulting me.”

There’s the beginning of an obnoxious smile on Mark’s lips and Renjun badly wants to steal it away with his own. “I do believe you’ve gone soft for me, rebel,” Mark says softly.

Renjun exhales quietly, mindful of the imaginary bubble they’re trapped in. He oddly yet desperately wants this moment to last. “I don’t see how that’s possible.”

Mark’s eyes crinkle. Maybe if he cupped Mark’s cheeks, if he moved a little closer-

A knock sounds on the door.

The bubble bursts, the moment is gone.

Renjun exhales shakily, pulls away from Mark with his heart beating erratically. He ignores the loss he feels in his chest. The door opens slightly, revealing a hesitant-looking Jeno to both of their surprise. Jeno looks worse for wear. There are bags under his eyes and he didn’t even make an effort to tuck his uniform in properly. Renjun doesn’t think he’s seen Jeno with such unkempt hair before either. Jeno looks weary, like he could really use a good nap, or two, or three.

Jeno’s eyes land on Mark first and there seems to be some sort of silent exchange Renjun isn’t invited to, nor does he want to be part of. The tension Jeno brings is uncomfortable and Renjun wants badly to leave them to deal with whatever that needs to be dealt with. He wants no part in the silent apprehension. Unfortunately, Jeno’s eyes shift to him and he literally freezes under the attention.

“Renjun, can I speak to you? Outside? If you don’t mind.”

Renjun turns to Mark. If Mark isn’t comfortable with him talking to Jeno, he won’t. Mark has his head back down to his book but he nods subtly to indicate that he’s okay with it.

Jeno is nice, Renjun repeats in his head. Mark says Jeno is nice. Jeno is not a dick. Jeno is nice. Renjun doubts that Jeno is here to start another argument. What makes it believable is that Jeno actually looks so horrible to the point it’s pitiful - Renjun doubts he’s here for anything other than to reconcile. He probably just wants his best friend back. Renjun can understand that.

“Yeah, sure,” Renjun tells Jeno. He gets up and follows Jeno outside the classroom. Mark should be able to see them through the jalousie windows but it’s unlikely he’ll hear them well if at all.

“I hope I wasn’t interrupting anything important,” Jeno says once they’re outside. Jeno stands in front of him, backpack clinging to his back, his shoulders slumped with exhaustion.

Renjun looks at his face. “No, we were just drawing dicks.”

Jeno looks confused for a second. “Ohh, umm. Right, so I think you kind of know why I wanted to talk to you.”

Renjun doesn’t know what to do with his hands. He keeps them in the pockets of his trousers. “I can only guess. I can’t be sure.”

“I’m here to apologise.” Renjun thinks Jeno already looks the part. “I’m sorry. For everything I said about you. They were baseless and it all came from a wrong place. Mark explained to me that you had nothing to do with, you know.”

Renjun nods. It seems Mark had finally told Jeno the truth about him smoking. It must have been a huge deal for the both of them.

Jeno continues. “My words must have hurt you a lot and I’m sorry I didn’t consider how it would impact you. I was too caught up in the heat of the moment. I won’t make any excuse for the way I acted.”

“They were kind of harsh, I’m not gonna lie.”

Jeno’s words hurled at him weren’t the worst, but they weren’t good words either. Renjun could live with them, but it didn’t mean he had to accept them.

Jeno hangs his head low, his sad smile a telltale of regret. “I know. You don’t know how much Mark yelled at me for it. It was stupid that it took me so long to realise why I was wrong. Mark’s very upset with me. I guess I probably deserved that punch.”

“Well, I wouldn’t say no.”

Jeno smiles wryly when he looks back up at Renjun. He observes Renjun with curiosity in his eyes, the kind that arises when one sees something interesting and unexplainable. “You know, Mark really appreciates you. He reached out to me first to apologise and I apologised immediately after hoping that we’d be okay again. But he told me he wouldn’t talk to me no matter how sorry I was, not until I apologised to you.”

“He didn’t have to do that,” Renjun mumbles.

“But he did,” Jeno says. “If I were you, I’d be really touched.”

Renjun glances briefly into the classroom and sees Mark ducking his head immediately back down to his book. Renjun holds back a fond smile. _That fucker, really._

“Yeah, well, he means a lot to me too. And I forgive you, if that’s what you need to hear. Don’t lose anymore sleep over it.” Renjun doesn’t want to make their whole exchange longer than necessary. The atmosphere between them is less uncomfortable now but still awkward nevertheless.

“Thanks,” Jeno says, clicking his shoes together unknowingly, a sign that he’s still regretful. “I really am, sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Renjun says. “To be honest, I got over it really quickly if it makes you feel any better. I’ll send Mark out for you. It’s time you get your best friend back.”

Renjun pats Jeno’s shoulder comfortingly as he walks past him into the classroom. Talking to Jeno was easier than he expected. Jeno _is_ nice, he guesses.

Mark watches him anxiously when he enters. Mark whispers, “What did he say?”

Renjun tells Mark to relax. “He said he was sorry and I accepted it. We’re good now, stop looking so worried. He wants to talk to you.” Renjun cocks his head to the door. “Go.”

Renjun sits back down in his seat at the same time Mark gets up. He sees Mark take in a deep breath before he walks out to meet Jeno. Renjun secretly watches the interaction between them outside the classroom even if all he hears are hushed sentences being passed back and forth. Mark’s arms are hugging his own torso defensively and he looks upset. Jeno looks apologetic. At one point, Mark punches Jeno’s shoulder weakly but it’s followed by him wrapping his arms around Jeno. Jeno looks relieved and his arms come up to hug Mark back.

Renjun smiles to himself, shifting his eyes back to his assignment so as to not pry further into their reconciliation. Yukhei was right - it’ll all work out, with a bit of time.

———

It sucks to be working straight after college entrance exams when everyone else is out celebrating and enjoying. It utterly sucks but it can’t be helped because the cafe is short of hands today of all days. Renjun knows Sicheng wouldn’t ask for him if the situation wasn’t dire, proven true by Sicheng crying guiltily while asking him for the favour. Renjun doesn’t have it in him to say no and well, him and his dad had decided to venture into other medicines recently so the medical expenses this time are more than they’re used to.

The good thing is that Sicheng lets him off early, he’s not that cruel as to slave Renjun away on what’s supposed to be a good day. Another good (debatable) thing is that Jaemin, Yukhei and Mark are over at his house for a sleepover. A text update from his dad tells him they’re making dinner together. Naturally, Renjun mutters a silent prayer for his dad and their kitchen.

When he reaches home, it’s well past dinner. Upon entering, he’s greeted by an expected commotion - Jaemin is bickering with his dad and Yukhei’s and Mark’s loud laughter are filling in the background.

“I’m home,” he announces, stalking towards the kitchen where the commotion is taking place. It’s no surprise when Renjun finds that they’re not done with making dinner yet despite how late it is. Renjun leans against the entryway of the kitchen and sees flour on Yukhei’s face, frosting on Mark’s fingers and Jaemin’s cheeks. Thankfully his dad is clean.

“What happened to dinner?”

Everyone turns to him, belatedly aware of his presence - understandable given how absorbed they are in their own mess. An eruption of warm ‘welcome home’s takes place before an explanation is provided.

“Jaemin burned the chicken,” Yukhei points accusingly at Jaemin, “so dinner will arrive in ten minutes in the form of pizza.”

Jaemin glowers. “Thanks, Yukhei.”

“Yukhei said it would be a good idea to bake a cake as a celebration,” Mark says with a grin, wriggling his frosting-covered fingers up for display.

Renjun can only watch helplessly. He turns to his dad. “Dad, you know Yukhei doesn’t have the best ideas.”

Yukhei protests in the background. “He’s very convincing,” Renjun’s dad laughs sheepishly and comes over to give Renjun a hug. Renjun laughs and welcomes the embrace, hooking his chin over his dad’s shoulder. His dad is about the same frame as him (puberty betrayed him by not making him taller) but his dad’s hugs had always had this power to make him feel secure and comforted. It hasn’t changed no matter how big he’s grown. The exhaustion in his body dissipates slowly in his dad’s embrace.

“Congrats on finishing high school.”

Renjun hums. “Wait till the results come out.”

“We’ll leave that till then,” his dad says and Renjun pictures his smile when he speaks. “You must be tired.”

Renjun holds on to his dad longer, his dad only happy to comply. His friends tactfully go back to decorating the cake noisily amongst themselves.

Renjun and his dad talk softly, keeping their voices low and trading hushed words between them. It’s the kind of intimacy Renjun has come to treasure.

“ _You_ must be tired, dad. I can see it. You don’t have to hide it from me.”

His dad caresses his head and kisses his temple. “Sometimes I look at you Jun, and I wonder when did you grow up. And you grow up so well too.”

“I’m still the same me. Nothing’s really changed, we’re just getting old.” It’s true that they are getting on in age. That nothing has changed however, isn’t as true. If Renjun were to be honest with himself, he knows that it’s not that nothing has changed - so many things have - it’s just that they’re trying to make it feel like nothing has.

His dad lets out a long exhale. “I love you so much, I’m scared I don’t tell you that enough.”

Renjun looks to the ceiling and breathes out slowly. He blinks a few times, feeling his throat starting to become hoarse. “Ageing makes you quite the sap, dad.” He swallows the lump in his throat and holds his dad tighter. Quietly, he murmurs into his dad’s shoulder, “I love you too.”

The cake is fairly edible but they’ve concluded that any type of baking from now on should be left to Renjun’s hands since he seems to have a certain talent for it. Three boxes of large pizza arrive and all three are completely decimated in record time. His dad eats only a little of it, he hasn’t been eating much these days and retires to bed early. After bidding Renjun’s dad goodnight, Renjun follows his dad to check on him while Jaemin, Yukhei and Mark had pushed the coffee table in the living room to one side of the wall. They occupy the newly-made empty space with futon mattresses such that they’ll be sleeping in front of the television. They eat chips, drink coke, make stupid comments of the characters of the movie Yukhei had chosen. They play cards after that, struggle to keep their volume down and eventually pass out when all their energies are spent.

Yukhei occupies the farthest left of the futon, Jaemin and Mark in the middle, which leaves Renjun at the farthest right. There’s minimal light coming from the standing lamp next to the television. It wouldn’t even be switched on in the first place if not for Jaemin’s fear of sleeping in complete darkness.

The other three are passed out but Renjun for some reason can’t fall asleep. He stares at the ceiling for what feels like eternity. He tosses and turns and eventually comes to rest with his body curled up, watching Mark sleep beside him. It feels strange because there are nights he stays up thinking about Mark but tonight Mark is actually beside him. It’s as if Mark had materialised from his thoughts somehow and is here to provide him comfort and stop him from overthinking.

There’s an ache in his chest whenever Mark comes to his mind. Not a painful kind of ache, but the kind that feels like a mix of fondness and sorry, of captivation and melancholy. The feeling of not showing enough that you care, but only because you care too much it’s physically impossible to display it all. And he feels it as he looks at Mark. He traces Mark’s face carefully with his eyes, going from the eyebrows, to eyes, nose and then lips.

Mark stirs suddenly, slightly at first and then more as he starts to wake. Renjun deems it too late to turn to the other side because that would make it more obvious what he’d been doing so he stays and watches as Mark sleepily opens his eyes.

“I could hear you tossing and turning in my dreams,” Mark mutters, blinking the sleep away.

“Sorry I woke you up.”

“It’s fine,” Mark says, coming to realise that Renjun is turned to him. He doesn’t fluster to move away. Instead, he takes in Renjun’s face and breathes steadily. “Why are you awake?”

Renjun’s heart beats a calm rhythm. “Couldn’t sleep.”

Mark doesn’t ask him anything else and silence seeps in, dancing gracefully in the space in between them. They stare at each other, watching and waiting comfortably if the other wants to speak. Neither of them does. Mark does laugh suddenly at one point and he tries to keep it quiet. Renjun sees how his nose crinkles when he holds back his laughter.

“What the fuck, Mark,” Renjun hisses in a whisper, accidentally letting out a laugh himself from the absurdity of Mark’s laughter. He’s careful not to wake the other two.

“I’m sorry, it’s just. It’s kind of funny looking at you so close.” Mark laughs again, hiding his mouth beneath his blanket to muffle the sound.

“You could have just told me to turn away if you didn’t want to look at my face.”

“No, no,” Mark grabs his arm. “Stay like this.”

Renjun would freeze this moment for his own if he could.

Renjun stays and Mark lets go of his arm a little too soon. “You haven’t stopped staring at my face, did you know that?” Mark whispers softly.

It’s too easy not to, Renjun thinks. He doesn’t say it.

“I was contemplating drawing dicks all over your face while you sleep.”

Mark laughs, a pretty delicate sound flowing along with the silence around them. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Mark stares at him unabashedly and naturally moves in closer so that they don’t have to keep whispering. “What are you thinking about?”

Renjun’s heart continues to keep a steady beat. “I told you, drawing dicks on your face.”

Mark smiles at that and snuggles more comfortably into his blanket. He readjusts his head on the pillow such that he’s now a distance closer to Renjun. The proximity is both suffocating and exhilarating.

Renjun doesn’t think he’s ever looked anyone in the eyes for this long and felt at ease about it. What’s more is that he can’t seem to have enough. He wants to push away the hair that has fallen into Mark’s eyes, wants to feel the sharpness of Mark’s cheekbones, wants to reach out and hold him and maybe never let go.

He doesn’t do any of those.

“Ask me what I’m thinking about,” Mark tells him.

“What are you thinking about, nerd?”

Mark’s answer comes a beat off, giving it an even greater presence when it comes. “Of when we were in the attic.”

The kiss.

Renjun thinks about it too, a lot in fact, more than he probably should. Mostly he thinks about how to explain himself for pretending like he had erased it off his memory. He tries hard not to think about what it felt like, or what it would feel like again. He’s been avoiding talking about it for days and with every successful conversation he has with Mark it doesn’t come up in, Renjun feels relieved, and then guilty for feeling relieved. He knows he probably shouldn’t avoid it any longer because it wouldn’t be fair to Mark. If Mark is willing to talk about it, there’s no reason he shouldn’t be as well. Other than the fact that he’s scared and sorry and doesn’t really know what to say.

He swallows, watches Mark tentatively. “Yeah?”

Mark locks his eyes onto him and Renjun sees it again. Brighter, stronger, unceasing. Trust.

Trust.

“Why are we pretending it never happened?”

Renjun tells him the truth. “Because it shouldn’t have happened.”

“Why?”

Renjun glances over to the other two. Hesitantly, “We shouldn’t talk about this here.”

“They’re asleep,” Mark informs and pauses strategically for a snore, or _snores,_ to sound. He arches a brow. “Pretty soundly from the sound of it.”

It’s absurd that they’re going to have _the_ talk with two idiots snoring away beside them. It’s too humorous for such a heavy conversation but maybe that’s exactly what they need to ease away any form of tension.

“Jun, please? I want to understand.”

Renjun sighs, already feeling sorry for what he has to say. He thinks about that time and finds his eyes inevitably drawn to Mark’s lips. “I didn’t regret it. I want you to know that. But I don’t think right now is the right time for.. you, know.”

_A relationship. Commitment. To give you what you deserve._

“I’m not in a situation where I’m comfortable right now. And I don’t know when I will not be. I don’t… I don’t think it’s right to promise you something when there’s a big chance I won’t be able to keep it. There’s a lot going on for me and I’ll tell you honestly that you won’t be a priority. I’m sorry.”

Renjun likes Mark. He likes him a lot. It took him many nights of dwelling before he realised what he actually feels and has now accepted the fact. And accepting is all he can do. Renjun has his jobs. Has his dad. Has the medicine, treatment and hospital expenses. His dad still earns but it’s lesser now, Renjun knows that much, even without his dad telling him. Previously it was enough to get them by and a few. Now they have his dad’s sickness on top of everything else. His dad’s position at work has changed to freelance and while it’s more accommodating, it comes at a lower income and Renjun has to work hard to make up for that cost. He doesn’t want his dad to shoulder everything for him when his dad has a battle of his own to deal with every day.

Renjun does his best to help and tries his best not to think too far ahead. He finds it more comforting to focus on the present, and sometimes when things seem better, he allows himself to imagine what next months and next years would be like. Most times, he’s just glad his dad is there when he wakes.

Renjun sees that Mark doesn’t look upset or disappointed upon hearing his explanation. There’s understanding written on Mark’s face and Renjun sees it again, shining brighter in Mark’s eyes. Trust. Always trust.

“I understand, you know? You don’t have to be so guarded with me. You didn’t have to hide anything from me. See?” Mark urges Renjun to meet his eyes. “I’m not angry, that would be really stupid of me. Actually, it’s insulting if you thought I’d get angry.”

“I know,” Renjun breathes out. “I just feel so sorry, that’s all.”

“Hey,” Mark palms his cheek gingerly. There are sparks where Mark touches and it burns in a good way. “There’s no reason for you to be sorry. You said you didn’t regret it.”

“I don’t.”

Mark thumbs his cheek. “Then that’s all I need to hear. Don’t beat yourself over it.”

It’s strange, how easy it is to gravitate towards Mark. He’s close enough to Mark that he’s aware of both their breathing. He closes his eyes and inhales, shuddering when all he gets is Mark’s scent. “You must think I’m such a jerk.” To give Mark something and tell him he can’t have it all, he doesn’t know how to make it up to him other than to say he’s sorry.

“No.” He feels Mark’s forehead touching his. He opens his eyes and finds Mark smiling fondly at him. “You’re very admirable, rebel.”

Renjun feels his stomach twist. “You should hate me.”

Mark laughs and his breath tickles Renjun’s face. “I don’t see how that’s possible.”

Renjun doesn’t know how much time passes with them just looking at each other, exchanging secret smiles even when there’s nothing they’re talking about. He isn’t aware at what point their hands find each other in the space between them but he thinks time could stop and he wouldn’t care if he remains like this; he could stay like this forever. In another universe, they might have kissed, they might have slept in each other’s embrace. In another universe, Mark might be his and he might be Mark’s.

Renjun watches how Mark’s eyelids slowly start to close and he finds it endearing how Mark tries to stay awake.

“You should go to sleep,” he whispers.

Mark’s eyes eventually close but his hands never let go of Renjun’s. Renjun stares at Mark’s face a little more, memorising and re-memorising every detail until he’s consumed by sleep. It’s then that he lets go of Mark’s hands. In this reality, the universe isn’t as kind.

———

Despite how much they’ve progressed, Renjun doesn’t tell Mark everything. He would like to, that would be a big relief for him, but he’s not the type to share about himself so easily. He usually finds it unnecessary to talk about himself. He’s the type that people have to know through bits of information at a time, rather than getting everything all at once. No matter how close he is to someone, they still have to learn him piece by piece.

So it’s only when Mark wants to hang out on Sunday, since they practically have nothing to do now that they’re done with school, that Renjun blurts out he can’t because he has a shift at the boba shop, as per his usual schedule. Mark was surprised and upset at first to learn that Renjun kept that information from him for so long but when Renjun said he could come visit if he wanted, Mark was quickly placated.

Mark is sitting at one of the stools at the counter, the same one behind which Renjun works. Mark has a taro milk tea with him and his laptop perched on top of the counter.

Mark sucks his drink through his straw and frowns at the screen of his laptop. He does this for a while more before he pushes his laptop aside and stretches. He’s been on it for about an hour and a half now. He decides to entertain himself by blatantly watching Renjun make a drink for a customer instead. When the customer leaves, it’s only them in the shop.

“Are you already done?” Renjun muses, looking over at Mark.

“No,” Mark says, exhausted. “Researching and applying for college is harder than you think.”

“Don’t go to college then.”

“Just because you’re not going to college,” Mark says without snark. “How’s your dad?”

Renjun hums. “He’s coping well. We’ll just have to wait and see how it goes.”

His dad started chemotherapy a few weeks ago under the advice of his doctor. They’re hoping that the treatment would work because it seemed there was a significant chance that it would in his dad’s case. But that would mean regular visits to the hospital along with other things and Renjun knows all these won’t come financially easy. The doctor did warn them that there is a chance the treatment may be rejected by his dad’s body or give undesirable side effects. Ever since they’ve started, his dad has been sleeping much earlier because he gets tired easily and he barely eats. Apart from that, he seems to be getting along fine and they’re doing their best to cope with it. Renjun really hopes that the treatment works in their favour.

Renjun had decided way before his dad opted for chemotherapy that he wouldn’t be going to college. He had been sure of this fact for a long while now. There’s no way he was going to leave his dad all alone. Besides, college loans are an additional burden he can’t bear at the moment. Not going to college means he gets to take up more shifts, find more jobs. He knows his dad is upset about it but he comforts him by jokingly saying that there’s no guarantee his grades can bring him anywhere worth in the first place. For Renjun, his dad is all that matters in his life and everything else falls below. But he’s not carrying the responsibility all alone; good news had come in recently. His aunt had called to say that she’ll be able to visit them more often soon. He’ll have help and company at home when everyone’s all off and gone to college. Renjun’s trying his best and he really hopes that if the universe doesn’t want to be kind to him, it’ll at least be kind to his dad. His dad deserves it.

“Can I come over to see him?”

Renjun doesn’t have to think of a reply. “Sure. He’s been asking about you anyway. I think he’s getting sick of Jaemin. I end in three hours if you’re willing to wait that long.”

“I can wait. Oh!” Mark exclaims, suddenly sitting straight. “I rode my bike here! I can give you a ride back.”

Renjun gives him a dead stare. “No.”

Mark smiles, the obnoxious one Renjun really doesn’t like (he _really_ likes it). “You’re so happy you’re almost speechless.”

Renjun puts a hand on the counter and leans over him. “Why do you hate me?”

Mark leans up and blinks coyly. “Why do you hate my bike?”

Renjun gives up, finding it easier to give in than to argue. A few more customers come and go and Mark returns to his laptop while Renjun works. Mark occasionally makes remarks about Renjun’s speed or tries to embarrass him in front of the customers. Renjun reciprocates by threatening to kick him out at every opportunity he gets. Mark eventually stops disturbing him for about an hour and focuses on his own things before finally shutting down his laptop and putting it away in his bag.

Renjun has half an hour left till his shift ends and the ebb of customers has died down significantly. It gives him time to breathe. He wipes the counter and checks up on Mark.

“How’s progress, geek?”

Mark rests his head in his palm as he watches Renjun clean. “Decent. I think I’ll try for the aerospace engineering program in STU. I heard it’s tough to get in though.”

STU as in one of the top colleges in the country. Renjun is aware that STU is a long way away, about a three-hour flight from where they live. The weight of what that means sits heavily in the space between them. Renjun pushes it aside and focuses on what’s important.

“I bet my arm you’ll get in.”

Of course Mark would. STU would be a fool not to accept him. Stellar grades and impressive achievements, it goes without saying that Mark deserves a place there. Mark’s right in that there would be tough competition for anyone trying to get in but Renjun’s pretty sure that Mark is the one bringing the competition.

Mark looks amused. “I’d love to see you lose your arm.”

“It won’t happen, because you’ll get in.”

“I have to say, your confidence in me is flattering yet suspicious, rebel. Did you eat something wrong?”

Renjun simply looks at Mark pointedly. “Just tell me the good news when it comes.”

Mark doesn’t say anything back. He drums his fingers on the counter, pensive in the way he looks at Renjun. Quietly he says, “STU’s really far away, Jun.”

There’s a complete change in the atmosphere and Renjun doesn’t like how it makes the both of them feel. Renjun knows how far STU is from here and he doesn’t want to think about that. “You’ll get in,” he repeats and turns around to busy himself with cleaning the other side.

———

Renjun gets an unexpected customer at the cafe. The thing is, the customer hadn’t expected him there either. Renjun initially had his back to the door, occupied with making a drink. He heard the door of the cafe open and turned around in time with a completed drink for the current customer and a greeting for the new customer on his lips. What he saw was an equally shocked expression on Donghyuck’s face.

The customer is the last one in line and after Renjun serves her, the direct encounter between him and Donghyuck becomes unavoidable. Donghyuck walks up to him hesitantly and it almost looks like he doesn’t know what to say or do. This might be the first time Renjun has ever seen Donghyuck so frazzled. Donghyuck is widely known for his cool and collected manner so Renjun doesn’t know if he should take seeing Donghyuck like this as an honour or a big red warning sign.

Renjun keeps to his professionalism as Donghyuck approaches. “Can I get your order?”

Donghyuck’s gaze is unreadable. “Can I just get a cafe latte? Thanks.”

“Sure. Having here?”

“Yes, please.”

After Donghyuck pays he lingers by the cashier hesitantly and Renjun knows there’s something Donghyuck wants to say so he waits for Donghyuck to speak again. Donghyuck eventually asks if Renjun is free to talk.

Renjun doesn’t know what Donghyuck could possibly want to talk to him about. But his impression of Donghyuck is better than Jeno’s and he deems Jeno’s decent enough. So that eliminates any reservations he has and he tells Donghyuck he’ll come by with his drink ready.

Renjun asks Yuta to cover the cashier for him once he has Donghyuck’s coffee ready. He walks up to Donghyuck’s table feeling slightly apprehensive and Donghyuck sits up when he sees him.

“Hi,” Renjun says, serving Donghyuck his drink and a plate of complimentary earl grey cupcake. He slides into the seat in front of Donghyuck.

“Hey,” Donghyuck greets back. He eyes the cupcake then back at Renjun. “I uhh, didn’t order these.”

Renjun shakes his head. “They’re test bakes, or at least that’s what I call the products of the recipes I try out. They’re not for sale. I can give them out for free, don’t worry.”

“Oh, thank you.” Donghyuck’s eyes roam around the cafe, hands resting listlessly in his lap. “I didn’t know you worked here.”

Renjun knows there’s no way Mark would have told Donghyuck about his jobs and where he works. Donghyuck stumbling in here was a mere coincidence and his surprised face and flustered manner were proof enough.

“I’ve been working here a while,” Renjun tells him.

“Are you doing this while waiting for college?”

Renjun squeezes his own thigh. “No, I’m not going to college. This is… this is permanent as of now.” Of the people he’s told, most had given a him a look that showed they felt it a waste for him to choose this path. Renjun waits for Donghyuck’s reaction.

Donghyuck, however, hardly reacts. His calm and nonchalant manner makes a return and he simply nods. Renjun doesn’t know how to take it. It’s a stark contrast to his frazzled behaviour earlier. In a turn of events, Renjun is the one that gets surprised when Donghyuck mentions he’s not applying for college either. For a straight As student, it’s very unexpected and Renjun finds it intriguing. Renjun doesn’t have to ask because Donghyuck goes on further to explain that he wants to gain some working experience in the real world first and that he’s actually working with his aunt who runs a reputable food magazine. He’s into journalism and business so he thinks it will provide a good opportunity to see what it’s like in the industry.

Renjun doesn’t remember meeting anyone his age that has ever planned this much for their future. He’s impressed, if anything.

He blows out a breath. “Well you seem fucking sure of what you want.”

It seems like Donghyuck hadn’t expected it and he laughs. “Actually, I came here because of work until I got distracted by you. That explains why I was kind of flustered earlier, if you noticed. Didn’t expect a familiar face while out on a job.” Donghyuck pulls his chair in and Renjun notes the shift in his manner, transitioning into a more serious and businesslike behaviour. “This cafe received quite the raving online and my aunt absolutely loved your menu when she checked it out last week. I’m actually here on behalf of the magazine to offer you guys a story on our column dedicated to local cafes and their journey.”

It’s a big piece of information to dump to a person at once and Renjun takes it like a punch, like wind has been knocked out of his lungs. “That’s fucking crazy,” he exhales. Donghyuck smiles. Renjun can already imagine how excited Sicheng will be at the opportunity. He cannot be happier knowing how much this would mean to Sicheng, which duly reminds Renjun that he shouldn’t be the one Donghyuck is telling this to. “You should be talking to Sicheng, not me. He’s the owner.”

“I know,” Donghyuck says and then he smoothly reverts back to the boy that Renjun was classmates with. Donghyuck takes a bite of the cupcake. “I plan to meet him after talking to you. This tastes amazing by the way.”

“Thanks.”

Donghyuck analyses Renjun within a second and seems to have decided something in that short time. “You said you made these? Do you usually do the test bakes?”

Renjun tells him yes but that they’re mostly just cases of him throwing stuff together in the kitchen. Sicheng is the one that gets to decide if it’s good and if he wants to let their customers try them out.

Donghyuck looks thoughtful and the next words coming out of his mouth are not what Renjun had expected at all. “I have another offer, but this one is for you.”

Apparently, the food magazine is taking in interns to help around the kitchen studio where most of the recipes are born and tested. Apart from the cafe’s menu, Renjun’s test bakes have interestingly been making word online as well and Donghyuck thinks it would be a good opportunity for Renjun to apply for the internship. The working hours are flexible and they have a branch that’s only half an hour away from their school. There’s an allowance for it as well.

Renjun was surprised to learn that his test bakes are receiving reviews online even though they’re not part of the menu. It’s quite new to discover that a lot of people like his creations. He’s never had this kind of large response before.

From Donghyuck’s mouth, the internship sounds wonderful but Renjun isn’t sure if he has what it takes to actually work in the kitchen since he’s never had proper training. Donghyuck had told him that interns do get offered jobs in the company after completing their internship and that opportunity itself makes it all the more appealing. The starting pay would be much more than what Renjun currently earns from both his jobs. It sounds like a dream compared to what he has now but he isn’t confident he’ll be accepted. He has no reason to be; he doesn’t have any certifications for baking and he doesn’t think he can depend on his grades much. He doesn’t have a competitive advantage at all.

Yet the offer is too good to simply let pass by. It’s not far from home and he’ll be able to rake in more revenue in addition to his other jobs.

“I’ll think about it,” Renjun decides in the end. “Thanks for thinking me suitable.”

“No worries,” Donghyuck says and takes a sip of his drink. This time it’s the Donghyuck that he had Physics class with that sits in front him instead of the Donghyuck working at the food magazine. “Have you heard about Mark applying to STU?”

Renjun says he does. “The chances of Mark getting in are like ninety-five percent yet he’s so doubtful.” Renjun doesn’t understand because Mark knows it himself that he’s smart so he should know that he’ll hardly have problems getting accepted.

Donghyuck scans Renjun perceptively and his brow quirks up, his lips hidden behind his cup. Renjun can’t tell what he’s thinking. “I think rather than doubtful, he’s slightly unwilling to go.”

That puzzles Renjun and it must show because Donghyuck puts his drink down and goes on to explain. “It’s really far, don’t you think? I’d be sad too if I can’t go back home so often.”

Renjun tries to reason. “There are lots of ways to keep in contact.”

“It’s not the same though, isn’t it? He can’t run to you whenever he wants to. Imagine not being able to see him when you really need it.”

Donghyuck’s blunt words fluster him. “Why would you-” _Why would Donghyuck say about him and Mark like they’re- they’re not._ “It’s not like that- I’m not the only reason- his family-”

“-matters too. You’re right, it’s not all about you. But a big deal of it is.” Donghyuck smiles understandingly. “He’s my best friend, he tells me stuff. Just don’t make him too sad before he goes, alright?”

Yuta walks by just then to serve the table near theirs. As he does so, he pats Renjun’s back and cocks to the cashier. Renjun looks back and sees a queue starting to form.

Donghyuck meets his gaze and Renjun can tell their conversation ends there. “I’m sorry for holding you up.”

Renjun stands and tells him it’s fine. “I’ll call Sicheng out for you.”

“Thank you. I hope you spend some thoughts on what I’ve told you.” Renjun wants to ask which part, the job offer or the one about Mark. Donghyuck beats him to it. A shrug and an unreadable smile. “All of it.”

———

Renjun doesn’t tell his dad about the internship because he doesn’t want his dad to worry or anticipate anything. He spent a week thinking about the offer before deciding to just go for it. He didn’t tell anyone at all, not even Jaemin or Yukhei. He had just ended his interview at the company and is currently on the bus going back home. It was his first time ever at such a place and they took him on a tour and showed him the kitchen studios. His first thoughts were that it would be nice to work there. He had a great impression of the company but he didn’t know if the same can be said for his own impression to them. He can only hope that they found him appealing enough because his grades definitely aren’t.

They told him that the results of the interview will come out only in a few weeks. In the meantime, he’ll try not to think about it too much. Besides, there’s no reason for him to be too upset if he doesn’t get it. It was a sudden bolt from the sky for him, he’d still have his shifts at the cafe and the boba shop. He can still find other jobs to take on.

He’s just about to alight the bus when he receives a call from Mark. He struggles to pick up the call while quickly tapping his bus card and going down the steps of the bus. He grunts upon answering. “What is it this time, nerd?”

The first thing Mark does is to ask him where he is, probably because of how noisy it is at his end. He lies and tells Mark he’s at the cafe. He doesn’t mention the interview. He knows Mark’s at home to take care of Rose today so Mark is unlikely to come to visit him at the cafe which makes his excuse sound.

“You’re not busy, are you?”

“If you need a favour, then yes, I am.”

“So you’re free to talk, great! I just wanted to tell you that your arm is safe,” Mark says and it doesn’t make any sense at first. Not until, “I got in!”

Excitement rushes through Renjun and Renjun doesn’t remember the last time he was this excited for anyone. He couldn’t be more genuinely happy for Mark and there’s a warm fuzzy feeling in his chest. “That’s fucking amazing! I told you you’d get in, mugger.”

“It’s almost like you had something to do with it,” Mark jokes.

“Maybe I threatened them with my pocketknife.”

Mark fake swoons. “My own personal gangster.”

Renjun smiles and rolls his eyes. “Fucking weirdo. When do you start?”

“In a month. But I’m going there a week early to settle the accommodation and other stuff.”

“So three weeks before you go.”

Mark affirms, the excitement in his voice noticeably fading. “Three weeks before I go.”

Three weeks. Too fast, Renjun thinks. Too little time. Renjun starts pondering. Before he regrets and takes it back, he says, “Anything you want to do in that three weeks?”

“Not particularly,” Mark hums. A quiet mumble, “Clearing a bit of your schedule for me, that would be nice.”

The way Mark sounds so shy asking to spend time together, so unlike his confident brazen self, tugs at Renjun’s heart. He has the sudden compulsion to spend every day with Mark for the next three weeks even if he knows it’s impossible. Mark will probably say he’s crazy, but maybe Mark will smile while saying it.

“I can do that,” Renjun promises him. “You can always come over, you know that right? My dad likes you, if you’re worried about that.”

“I’m glad. But what about you?” _Do you like me too?_

_I like you too, nerd._ “I like you coming over too.”

Mark laughs and Renjun thinks it should mean something if he wants it to hear it on loop. “I like it when you become soft for me _,_ rebel.” Renjun can picture Mark’s delighted face and his signature obnoxious smile.

Renjun tries not to let the smile on his face show in his voice. “Don’t push it.”

———

They’re both in Renjun’s attic. Mark’s leaning against the headboard of Renjun’s old single-sized bed, his legs stretched out in front of him with a book in his hand. Renjun sits squeezed beside him with his legs crossed. Renjun doesn’t have any shift today because he took time off but he might as well be at work because he’s been on the phone with Sicheng for the past twenty minutes recounting the recipe of the lemon drizzle cake he bake tested yesterday. It seems to be doing well at the cafe today and Sicheng wants to make it part of the menu. Renjun is repeating the steps for the fourth time because Sicheng wants to make sure that he has the recipe down to perfection.

When the phone call finally ends, Renjun slumps back against the headboard and puts his phone faced down on an old chest beside the bed. It gives him an excuse to not pick up any more of Sicheng’s calls. He leans over Mark’s shoulder to glimpse at the book that Mark’s reading.

“Sci-fi. Real science-y stuff. You’d find it really boring,” Mark tells him without prompt, not once taking his eyes off the book. Renjun hums and perches his head on Mark’s shoulder.

“You’ve been smoking again,” Renjun notes. He can smell it on Mark. It’s faint, almost gone, but it’s there.

Mark doesn’t flinch. “Are you worried it’s about you again?”

Renjun’s too genuinely worried to be flustered by Mark’s direct question. “Is it?” Renjun presses, tilting his head to scan Mark’s expression.

Mark throws him a glance and Renjun thinks he detects some hesitance but if it was there, it’s quickly and smoothly replaced by Mark’s teasing smile. Mark puts the book aside. “Since when were you a clinger, drug dealer?”

Mark is avoiding his question and Renjun knows it. He doesn’t push Mark to answer because Mark doesn’t look like he wants to so he files it away for now.

“I don’t _cling_ ,” Renjun counters and moves away from Mark to prove his point. It doesn’t do much other than make it more obvious that he was indeed clinging to Mark. He just hopes his ears aren’t turning red.

“Sure you didn’t. You know, you always seem to surprise me.”

Mark shifts carefully in a way that makes him face Renjun entirely. It’s turning into a stare-off and Mark seems to have the upper hand. Renjun is far from backing down.

“What do you mean?”

Renjun expects Mark to provoke him further but Mark drops all tease in his words and gestures. Mark’s eyes roam around the attic thoughtfully. What he says next is conveyed with only fondness. “Remember when you took me here the first time?”

Renjun never forgets.

“You cried then. Do you remember? You were crying for me. I was surprised,” Mark laughs warmly at the memory. “I never took you as the emotional type. Didn’t know you were a crier. Now you’re a clinger too.”

Anyone who knows Renjun would never use the word ‘emotional’ to describe him. It’s not that Renjun is void of emotions, it’s just that he doesn’t always show how he feels. In fact, Renjun has only ever cried horribly in front of his aunt and that was two to three years ago. It pricks his ego slightly that Mark is the only other person to see it and if he wasn’t blushing before, he most definitely is now.

“I don’t think crier is a word.”

“Sure it is,” Mark says and then annoyingly, “Crier Huang Renjun.”

Renjun glares at him. “This is my house and I can kick you out, fucker. How’d you escape from packing your things, anyway? You leave tomorrow.”

“They’ve been packed for days now. I’m just left with a plane to catch.”

It reminds Renjun that all Mark had been doing the past week was packing for college. He didn’t know how he could have forgotten about it but he did. His mind tends to drift off whenever Mark talks about college. He doesn’t want to imagine Mark leaving before it happens. Every single time Mark speaks of it, it feels like a part of Mark is already gone.

“Hey don’t look like that,” Mark nudges him.

Renjun zeroes back down to him. “Like what?”

“Like you’re going to be miserable with me gone.”

The fact is that Mark hasn’t gone but Renjun has been miserable for days thinking about the moment Mark really will be.

Renjun averts his eyes. “That’s never going to happen.”

“Very convincing, rule breaker. I almost believed you.”

“Shut up.”

“I’m really excited,” Mark tells him honestly. “But at the same time, I don’t want to leave.”

_I don’t want you to leave too. Stay._ Renjun feels pathetic _. Stay, please stay. Stay like you always said you would._

“We’ll keep in touch. There’s no need to be sad about it.”

Mark sighs. “I wish we could have done this together. I want to do this together.”

“I’d never get into STU,” Renjun says with a smile to comfort him. He shrugs. “Maybe this is just how it’s supposed to be.”

_Maybe we were just never supposed to be together._

_“_ It’s not fair,” Mark says and his voice cracks very subtly. It’s almost unnoticeable but Renjun manages to catch it.

“Are you going to cry?” Renjun asks, bemused.

“No.” A sniffle. Mark’s eyes start to wet as tears slowly collect in his eyes. He sniffles more and a lone tear escapes the corner of his eye. But the fact is that tears never appear alone so before Mark knows it, he’s crying. More tears flow down his cheeks and he glares at Renjun through them, as if Renjun had jinxed him into it. He wipes his cheeks with the back of his palm furiously. “I’m _not_ crying.”

Renjun laughs, finding the whole situation hard to believe. “Who’s the crier now?”

Mark’s voice croaks. “Shut it, rebel.”

You fucking nerd,” Renjun sighs quietly, bringing his hands up to wipe at the tears flowing down Mark’s face. Mark cries so prettily, Renjun’s brain notes for no good reason. Renjun gingerly brushes the tears away and he lets his hands stay on Mark’s cheeks. “Stop fucking crying over me. You’re ridiculous.”

“I’m not crying because I want to,” Mark bites, but his voice comes out a wobble. His actions relay a gentler sentiment when he grabs Renjun’s wrist and doesn’t let go. “What do I do without you around?”

Renjun thinks he should be the one asking that question.

Renjun’s heart kind of breaks yet he’s holding back a fond laugh because tears are continuing to fall freely down Mark’s cheeks despite Mark’s effort to stop them. Mark is still glaring at him as he cries. The truth is that it’s more sad than it is funny and it might have torn Renjun’s heart a little to see Mark like this.

“You’d do so much better without me around, you mugger. No one to make you skip class or punch people.” Renjun caresses his cheeks. Mark sniffs harder. “You’ll be fine.”

“I’d still want you around,” Mark says, his eyes wet with tears. “I would always want to have you around. I always want you.”

They don’t usually say things like this to each other so the rawness of Mark’s words hit him mercilessly. Were hearts always this fragile? Renjun’s seems to crumble too easily.

Renjun speaks truth for truth. “You know I want you too.”

He sees how Mark’s eyes turn wider as the words fall from his mouth and how Mark’s focus centers entirely on him. He can’t help but feel sorry.

“But I can’t, right now, you know how-”

“I’ll wait for you,” Mark says quickly and swallows down his sobs to make himself be heard more clearly. “I’ll wait for you. Till things get better, till you’re ready. I’ll wait for you.”

It’s dangerous because it gives Renjun hope, it tells him how much Mark likes him, how much Mark wants him. It’s dangerous because it makes him want to say _wait for me._ But that would be selfish of him because he doesn’t know how long Mark has to wait and he’s not cruel enough to make Mark go through that for him.

“Don’t wait for me,” Renjun says, his fingers brushing gently over Mark’s cheeks. He wants to trace down to Mark’s lips at how inviting they look yet he can’t seem to do it. His eyes linger there. “You shouldn’t.”

“Jun, please.”

Renjun speaks softly. “It’s only right. I won’t do that to you.”

“Jun, please. Please look at me,” Mark says and Renjun does, his heart pounding, his nerves a mess. He didn’t even notice that they had gotten so close.

“Jun, I love you.”

His heart jumps a few beats too fast and then it’s like everything around him stills. Everything. Everything except for his heart which has set aflame, burning so brightly out of control. The fire blazes in his chest and it burns and scorches. It’s searing hot and Renjun can’t keep track of his own mind. It’s scary, he doesn’t know what to think. It’s fiery and scalding, it’s burning a mark in him and he feels- it’s all just so- it’s too much.

Renjun shakes his head fervently. “You don’t _love_ me.” _It can’t be love._ “Mark, _love_ is such a big - you’re not-”

“I’m not saying this as a spur of the moment. It’s not spontaneous. Trust me. I know what I’m saying and I mean it.” Mark’s eyes shine with something Renjun doesn’t know how to name, even if Mark had already spelt it out for him. He’s never seen Mark’s eyes like this, so bright, so pretty, so intense, it’s too much-

“I love you, Jun. I don’t think there’s a better way to put it.”

And he sees it. Trust. There, again in Mark’s eyes, he sees it. And maybe that’s what pushes him to connect their lips together, to wrap his arms around Mark’s neck and taste Mark on his tongue. Renjun’s been wanting this for so long and it seems like he isn’t the only one because Mark kisses him back with equal fervour, hands supporting his waist as Renjun climbs blindly into his lap.

Everything is too slow and too fast. Mark licks Renjun’s lips and it sends a shudder down his spine. He likes it, Mark can tell and Mark does it another time, a shy smile dancing on his lips. Renjun groans and pulls Mark closer by his shirt and that manages to wipe Mark’s smile away as their kisses grow more heated. Their kisses become messier as their desperation grows. Mark kisses his jaw and travels down his neck and it drives Renjun crazy with how sweetly Mark licks and kisses over his skin. His breathing becomes erratic but he keeps his head angled, giving Mark permission to do more.

“I love you,” Mark whispers and kisses over his collarbone, as if sealing it there for Renjun to keep so Renjun never forgets. “I love you, Jun,” Mark says again, gently, softly as he trails kisses up his neck. Renjun’s heart hammers wildly and he wants to feel Mark’s lips badly on his. He pulls Mark up and lets their lips meet. Renjun kisses him slower this time. He kisses more languidly, more tenderly hoping that Mark hears the _I love you’s_ he refuses to let out of his mouth. A peck, a confession, another peck, another confession.

_I love you._

He never says it back.

“Do me a favour,” he gasps after Mark licks deeper into his mouth. He squeezes Mark’s shoulder. “Mark.”

Mark hums, toning it down to a chaste kiss. Renjun keeps his eyes closed, not wanting to look at Mark’s face when he says the next few words. When he feels Mark resting against his forehead, with every fibre of his body telling him not to, he says resolutely, “Don’t wait for me.”

“That’s not fair.” Mark sounds upset. Mark’s lips hover over his and Renjun is too weak, too weak for Mark to say no. He lets their lips touch and kisses Mark again too easily.

Renjun breathes heavily when he pulls away, his eyes half open as he looks down at Mark’s lips instead of Mark’s eyes. “I can’t promise you a time when things get better. I don’t know _if_ things will get better.” Mark leans in to kiss him, to stop his words and Renjun distractedly lets him. But he pushes Mark back eventually, building up restrain to let his words out. He caresses Mark’s cheeks, sees how Mark’s eyes are puffy and red now that Mark’s no longer crying. But Mark is looking at him so intensely, so desperately, his heart shatters.

He breathes. “I think.. I think if we’re meant to happen, it’ll happen. So don’t wait for me. I don’t want you to waste your time doing that.”

Mark looks angry. The tears are now replaced by fire red in his eyes. It’s tamed but it still burns. It burns through Renjun’s whole chest when Renjun stares into them. It’s pointless because he had already been set aflame when Mark had uttered those impossible words.

“It’ll happen.” _We’ll happen_. Mark says it so firmly Renjun knows he believes it. But Renjun doesn’t know what to believe anymore.

“Don’t wait for me,” Renjun repeats. He lets go of Mark and makes to get off Mark’s lap but he catches how Mark clearly hates it. Mark grips his waist tighter so he isn’t able to go. Mark tilts his chin up to meet Renjun’s eyes. Renjun sighs quietly, hands coming back to rest on Mark’s shoulders.

Mark looks at Renjun defiantly. “Should I just forget about you then? That’ll make everything easier, won’t it?”

Mark’s angry and Renjun is glad that he is because then the chances of Mark not waiting for him would be more probable.

Renjun doesn’t flinch from Mark’s aggravation and forces out his words. “That would be best. I’ll forget about you too.”

“You’re so unfair,” Mark says as he leans up and slowly, so slowly, lets his lips touch Renjun’s. Renjun doesn’t have it in him to push Mark away.

“I tell you I love you,” Mark utters against his lips, “and you tell me to forget you.”

How many _I love you’s_ has he replaced with a kiss to Mark’s lips, Renjun doesn’t keep count. He leaves another, a last one that contains the magnitude of a thousand. This is where he has to draw the line.

“Don’t wait for me. Keep this promise for me.”

He pushes himself away from Mark with a lot of effort because his body doesn’t seem to want to comply. He finally manages to get up when Mark reluctantly lets him go.

“Come on, you said you had to be back by seven. It’s seven-thirty.”

He pulls Mark up by his hand. Mark follows resignedly, his eyes containing more sadness than the blue of the ocean can hold. Renjun tries not to drown in it. Right before they get down from the attic, Mark stops them.

“Is this it?”

Mark waits, his hand holding desperately to Renjun’s. Renjun wants to tell Mark _no, this isn’t it_ because that’s what Mark wants to hear. But Renjun doesn’t want to lie.

He lets go of Mark’s hand and watches how Mark’s face falls. “This is us, Mark.” Renjun turns and goes down the steps, biting his lips so that no sound escapes him.

———

Mark’s flight is at six thirty in the morning and at five, Yukhei drives his mom’s car over with Jaemin in tow to pick Renjun up and bring them to the airport. Renjun hadn’t slept the whole night. He replays the kiss, his words, Mark’s face and basically the whole of yesterday in his head. He cries, tells himself not to cry, wonders if Mark is crying and spends most of the night just thinking.

_Should I just forget about you then?_

Renjun wonders if his words haunt and keep Mark awake at night, the same way Mark’s words did to him.

He had contemplated sending Mark off. Mark had wanted him to be there and he had promised, but that was before everything that happened yesterday. He’s afraid that Mark might not want him there anymore. Unfortunately, Yukhei is already waiting outside his house before he even realises how much time has passed so he’s left without a choice. He quickly throws a hoodie on and covers his face with the hood so Jaemin and Yukhei don’t get a glimpse of his face. He runs out before Yukhei starts honking excessively and wakes up the whole neighbourhood.

Jaemin has shotgun so Renjun goes to the backseat. Yukhei greets him good morning and Jaemin tells him to hurry up before they’re late. Renjun gets in and glues himself to the corner. He rests his head on the window, taking in full comfort of being hidden by his hood.

They drive for a while in complete silence but Renjun knows it won’t last, even if it’s too early in the morning to be making a ruckus.

“Do you think you’ll miss him?” Jaemin starts to ask. It’s obvious who he’s asking it to.

Renjun simply grunts and closes his eyes, snuggling into himself. He considers sleeping. He doesn’t really feel like talking and if he’s asleep, he can avoid it. Besides, he hadn’t slept the whole night.

Jaemin gasps. “That wasn’t a no. Did you hear that, Yukhei?”

“I think we can call that a yes.”

“Aww you’ll miss him, will you?” Jaemin teases. “Did you cry over him?”

It hits a nerve because that was exactly what Renjun did. Renjun knows Jaemin is just pulling his leg but he bites at Jaemin to shut the fuck up before he is able to hold himself back.

“Rude,” Jaemin says, offended, unaware of the emotional turmoil Renjun is hiding. “There’s no need to be so fucking mad. I was just joking.”

Renjun snaps his eyes open and instantly meets Jaemin’s gaze in the rearview mirror. “Well try harder, it’s not fucking funny,” he mutters.

Something shifts in Jaemin’s eyes when he finally makes out Renjun’s face beneath his hood. The concern flashing across his face is immediate but Renjun doesn’t want to deal with it, he’s been dealing with his own emotions the whole night. He ignores Jaemin’s persistent stare and leaves him to ruminate on his own. Renjun closes his eyes again and tunes everything out.

Renjun knows he’s being irrational. He knows Jaemin was only trying to lighten the atmosphere because they’re sad Mark is leaving, him more than them. There was no need for him to snap at Jaemin but he is pathetically angry and sad. He’s tired of everything. He wishes his dad got better, wishes he didn’t have to hurt Mark the way he did, wishes the world wasn’t so unfair to him. It feels like nothing is ever on his side and he’s tired of telling himself it’s okay. It’s not fucking okay.

A lot of time must have passed before he hears Jaemin speak again in a low, hushed whisper. He probably thinks Renjun is fast asleep by now.

“Yukhei,” Jaemin murmurs. “Do you think there’s something up with Renjun?”

Yukhei yawns. “Renjun? Maybe he’s just sleepy. You know he gets cranky when he doesn’t get enough sleep.”

“No, it’s something else. Did you see how he looked?”

“No.” Yukhei sounds confused. “Why? What’s wrong?”

“He’s been crying, Yukhei.”

There’s silence after that. Renjun swears if he opens his eyes right now he’ll see Jaemin turned over the seat, watching over him worriedly. Jaemin sounds regretful when he utters, “Fuck, I must have hit a spot earlier.”

Renjun keeps his eyes closed.

“Maybe he’s just sad about Mark leaving,” Yukhei offers.

“Yukhei, you and I know if he had been crying, it’s probably something bigger than that.”

Silence again.

“Did he tell you anything?” Yukhei asks tentatively.

“No. You?”

“No.” Hesitantly, “Should we ask him?”

Jaemin exhales. “I don’t know.”

“How about if he doesn’t tell us himself, we ask him?” Yukhei suggests.

Jaemin agrees readily.

“But you do it.”

“Fuck Yukhei, why do you always make me the villain?”

“Because it suits your nasty personality.”

“I will murder you.”

“My point exactly.”

When they reach the airport, everyone else is already there. Jeno got accepted into STU as well and is flying off together with Mark. Both their families are there and so is Donghyuck, who is currently occupied with placating a sleepy Rose.

While Jeno and Mark are being fussed over by their parents, Renjun, Jaemin and Yukhei joins Donghyuck at the side. Donghyuck greets them with a smile. Rose runs over to Renjun when she sees him and Renjun crouches down to greet her.

Mark and Jeno eventually manage to escape their parents and join their friends at the side. They have a little over forty minutes before they have to leave. Mark doesn’t show any form of emotion upon seeing Renjun and Renjun doesn’t know if it’s better not knowing how Mark feels. They all start talking and while Renjun is part of the conversation, he doesn’t go out of his way to be exclusively involved. He’s more comfortable with listening and talking only when he has something to say. Mostly he’s just listening and entertaining Rose whenever she comes running over, going back and forth between them and her parents.

“Hey,” Donghyuck says quietly to Renjun when the conversation gets more concentrated between the other four. In a low murmur loud enough for Renjun to hear, he says, “I heard from my aunt, congrats on being offered an intern position. I might see you around a lot more now.”

“Thanks,” Renjun utters back. He ruffles his own hair and brushes it down. He’d removed his hood when he got out of the car. He hadn’t want to look rude or unpresentable to Mark’s and Jeno’s families. “I haven’t told anyone yet though. I’d appreciate it if you refrain from mentioning it to anyone for now.”

“I didn’t, don’t worry.” Donghyuck says. Donghyuck lets out a sudden laugh to Renjun’s surprise, smiling at Yukhei just as Yukhei cracks a joke. It dawns on Renjun that Donghyuck is still listening in to the group conversation. Renjun certainly isn’t. It’s kind of scary how perceptive Donghyuck is and how good he is at handling things around him.

Donghyuck reverts back easily to his talk with Renjun when everyone’s attention is focused away again. Donghyuck makes a subtle step back so that he’s not completely with the others, but not completely away as well. He puts a tentative hand on Renjun’s shoulder, making it look as natural as a friendly gesture but Renjun knows Donghyuck means for him to follow so he does.

Lowly, Donghyuck asks, “What’s this thing between you and Mark?”

Renjun admires Donghyuck’s ability to be so blunt. He hesitates, “Is it that obv-”

“Obvious? Painfully so. I’m sure the others noticed as well. They’re just too kind not to mention it.”

Rose comes running over again and tugs on Renjun’s pants to grab his attention. Donghyuck tells Rose that they should play somewhere else so as to not disturb his brother and his friends. He takes the chance to steer Renjun away from the group under the guise of playing with Rose.

Renjun carries Rose as he slips away with Donghyuck to a distance further away. Rose starts talking about the show she watched before she went to sleep yesterday. Renjun nods and smiles, asking her which princess she thought was the prettiest.

“We had a fight, sort of.” Renjun explains to Donghyuck simultaneously while listening to Rose. An invisible weight on his shoulders pushes him down just by him thinking about yesterday. He forces a laugh when Rose laughs and tells her she’s prettier than those princesses.

Donghyuck hums and nods understandingly. “That explains why Mark looks like he’s been crying.” Donghyuck’s gaze lands on him pensively. “Both of you actually.”

Donghyuck pats Rose’s head and tells her that she should show him her drawings of the princesses the next time he visits.

Renjun hadn’t looked at Mark directly since he arrived so he was not aware of Mark’s appearance until Donghyuck had mentioned it. Renjun wonders if the others saw how similar their appearances are and managed to piece things together by themselves.

“Jeno thinks it’s because Mark’s sad about leaving but I knew there was something else. Mark wouldn’t say much when I asked, I could only baselessly but accurately assume it was linked to you.”

“You’re right,” Renjun laughs emptily. He bounces Rose in his arms. “I’m the culprit who made your best friend cry.”

Donghyuck doesn’t respond immediately. He starts leading them back to the group when he sees the others scanning around to look for them. They walk back slowly. Rose’s parents call out for her and Renjun lets her down so that she can go run to them.

Donghyuck crosses his arms as he walks and he tilts his head to look at Renjun thoughtfully. There’s a sad yet understanding smile on his face. “I thought I told you not to make him more sad before he leaves. How is it that you do just that?”

Renjun breathes steadily, focuses on moving his feet forward a step at a time. “This is me making him sad now so he won’t be sad later.”

There’s twenty minutes before Mark and Jeno leaves so the two of them spend it by saying goodbyes to their families first. After an exchange of hugs and farewells, their friends walk them to the front of the departure hall, saving their own farewells till the last minute. When it’s time, Renjun says goodbye to Jeno first because he doesn’t think he’s ready to face Mark alone just yet. They exchange a friendly hug and promise to eat and sleep well, no more punching or getting punched. Jeno tells him to take care of himself and Renjun tells him the same and to take care of Mark as well. He lets the others have their turn with Jeno and waits for his impending turn with Mark. He lets everyone go first before he does.

When everyone else has had their turn with Mark and is busy generously showering Jeno with affection, Mark finally turns to look at him. It’s the first time they’ve made eye contact since Renjun arrived. Everything is awkward and tense. Renjun doesn’t know what to do, a part of him tells him to go to Mark, another tells him to stay away. But when Mark calls his name, something between them breaks and Renjun finds himself walking over as if his body had been waiting for it.

“Hey,” Mark says tentatively when Renjun finally comes near enough.

Renjun tries his best to hold himself together. “Hey.”

“Thanks for coming. I’m sorry it had to be so early.”

Renjun shakes his head. “It’s cool. Yukhei did all the driving anyway.”

A weak laugh. “You should learn how to drive too.”

“I plan on it.” More silence. “So I guess this is where we say goodbye.”

Mark nods.

“I hope you have a safe flight,” Renjun offers.

“Thank you.” Mark doesn’t speak after that. Mark glances at him painfully, takes a tentative step forward.

Renjun takes a step back.

“Jun-”

“Don’t.” Renjun stops him. Pleadingly and breathlessly, “Don’t.”

Renjun can sense their friends becoming vaguely aware of what’s happening but they’ve tactfully given them space and privacy.

“Don’t what, Jun?” Mark murmurs, angry and upset.

_Don’t come closer, don’t look at me like that. Don’t make this harder than it already is._

Mark defies his every thought and steps closer, invading and owning his space. There’s hurt on every inch of Mark’s face and it drips into his voice. “Why won’t you look at me?”

Renjun tries effortfully to grasp onto other things. He doesn’t want it to be like this before Mark leaves. “I hope you’ll like it there. I’ll text you. I’ll send you updates whenever I can. I’ll call you. I’ll call you. Just…” He keeps his voice low, suppresses the desperation laced within it. “Mark, you have to promise not to wait for me. I can’t give you what you want.”

Mark’s expression hardens. “You don’t get to tell me that.”

Renjun forces himself to look into Mark’s eyes, sees hurt mirroring hurt. “Things will probably never get better, Mark. Don’t wait for me.”

Mark won’t hear it. “I’ll give you a chance to take it back. To take back everything you told me yesterday. Jun, just _please. Please_.”

Renjun shakes his head.

“Take it back.” Mark’s tone gradually changes from pleading to demanding as his desperation grows. “Take it back, Jun. Say you didn’t mean it. Take it back.”

Renjun doesn’t say anything.

Mark searches his eyes. “Are you really going to be like this? Are you really going to forget me?”

Mark steps in between Renjun’s feet, forcing Renjun to look nowhere but at him. It’s overwhelming, the proximity and the emotions he sees in Mark’s eyes. Renjun doesn’t understand why he still sees trust there. “Why?” Mark begs. “Please. Just say it was a mistake and we’ll be okay again.”

Renjun makes sure not to look away when he says, “I meant every word.”

He sees how everything crumbles and shatters inside of Mark and how the desperation dies out from his eyes. He sees it replaced by resigned acceptance and sharper, relentless pain.

“You’re so selfish,” Mark exhales, still holding Renjun’s gaze. Mark looks angry and upset so it comes completely unexpected when Mark brings a hand up to Renjun’s cheek, his hold ever so gentle. It’s affectionate in a way that Mark can’t help it to be because he can’t feel anything else for Renjun no matter how angry he is. Renjun feels it resonate where Mark touches him and he isn’t able to do anything but to stay there helplessly. The only thing evident of how affected he is the quickened pounding of his heart. He knows their friends might be watching but he’s too affected by Mark’s touch to worry about that.

“I hate you,” Mark spits but his touch is tender and his eyes shine the same way they did yesterday. Mark’s breath shakes when he leans in closer and closer. Renjun finds it hard to breathe as well. Mark’s lips touch his cheek tentatively and Renjun’s breath hitches. Mark makes it last, lingering, his lips leaving a tingling, electrifying sensation on Renjun’s skin. It’s enough to break Renjun into pieces. Mark pulls away and the loss bores a hole in Renjun’s chest. Mark’s eyes flit to the ground and doesn’t meet Renjun’s eyes again.

Renjun doesn’t know if it’s really quiet around him or if his mind had somehow muted all the noise. He doesn’t register any sound, doesn’t really absorb anything even if his other senses are working fine. He sees Mark and Jeno wave a final goodbye to everyone and sees them disappear into the departure hall. He feels a pat on his shoulder, he thinks it’s Donghyuck saying goodbye, or comforting him, he can’t really tell which. He registers a blur of people moving around him. He doesn’t know how long he stays there, numb and unmoving. It comes to a point where he’s pretty sure him, Jaemin and Yukhei are the only ones left.

“Renjun.” Yukhei’s voice manages to break through and bring him back from wherever he’d lost himself. “Renjun, he’s boarded. Let’s go.”

Renjun slips back into reality. He nods stiffly, getting ahold of the situation and where he is. He knows they have to get back to the car and he walks ahead. He’s thankful that his friends aren’t coming up to walk with him but letting him walk alone on his own.

Renjun climbs into the backseat and doesn’t speak all the while Yukhei drives them back. He can tell that his friends are anxious about his state and the fact that he’s not talking to them about anything only worries them further.

He sees Jaemin and Yukhei eyeing him in turns through the rearview mirror. They keep looking at each other, discussing silently. Renjun wonders how it would be like when they’re gone too. Jaemin and Yukhei had both gotten accepted into the same college about an hour’s drive away. Yukhei’s on scholarship for the basketball team while Jaemin barely managed to make the cut but he did and they’re all thankful he did. They’re both moving out in a week. It really feels like nothing is on his side anymore.

After a while of driving in silence, Renjun decides he’s probably worried his friends enough. He’s spent enough time in his own head, wallowing in his thoughts and he’s tired of it.

“I like him,” Renjun says out abruptly. It breaks the silence with the impact of a punch. Its presence is heavy. Renjun continues. “I should have said something about it.” _I never managed to tell him._

Renjun hears Yukhei’s nervous intake of air and notices him side-glancing at Jaemin. Renjun stares out the highway.

“We fought yesterday,” he mutters. “Now he hates me.” _I deserved it. Yesterday he told me he loves me. I didn’t say it back._

“Jun,” Yukhei says quietly, “I’m sure he doesn’t hate you.”

“No. He told me he hates me.” Renjun breathes calmly, watching cars drive by. Mark hates him. He should feel relieved. It means Mark won’t wait for him, just like he wanted.

“There’s no way he meant it when he said it,” Jaemin says carefully. “We saw you two. That didn’t look like hate.”

Renjun doesn’t comment on it.

“I hate everything,” he breathes out instead. “Life fucking sucks. _I hate everything_.” He takes in a deeper breath, his voice shakes when he says more firmly, “Life is fucking unfair. Fuck everything. _Fuck everything!_ ”

“I’m pulling over,” Yukhei announces.

“Where the hell are you going to pull over? We’re on a fucking highway!”

“Fuck, Jaemin! I can’t fucking drive when Renjun’s practically having a breakdown! If he cries, I’m going to cry, then we all die.”

“Let’s all die,” Renjun throws out listlessly.

“No one is going to die! Keep driving, fucker. I’m climbing over.” Jaemin squeezes past the gearshift while yelling at Yukhei to hold himself together and Yukhei yells back about not being able to control it. Jaemin manages to climb into the backseat while knocking things over and elbowing Yukhei in the process. When he settles beside Renjun, he wraps an arm around Renjun and pushes Renjun’s head down onto his shoulder.

Renjun turns and buries his head into Jaemin’s sleeve. He mumbles, “I hate cancer. I fucking hate it. I hate everything.”

“Cancer can go suck a dick,” Jaemin states furiously, holding Renjun tight. Demandingly, “Yukhei, roll down the windows.”

“Jaemin, no,” Renjun whines, his face still hidden in Jaemin’s sleeve. “It’s seven thirty in the morning.”

“We can hate cancer at seven thirty in the morning, Renjun,” Yukhei says with all seriousness. He rolls down the windows. He takes in a deep breath and shouts at the top of his lungs. “Fuck cancer! Cancer’s a fucking dick! Fuck you, cancer!”

“Fuck! Dumbass shit cancer! Fucking go to hell!” Jaemin yells, his arm still protectively holding onto Renjun. Renjun laughs weakly and sniffles. He lifts his head and looks at his two best friends. They’re smiling like idiots and Renjun has never felt more at home.

He frees himself from Jaemin and goes to the window. The wind brushes past his face, blows through his hair and he doesn’t hold back when he yells, “Fuck cancer! I hate cancer! Fuck everything!”

“Fuck everything!” Yukhei echoes, getting him a strange glance from the driver next to them.

Renjun isn’t bothered by how the wind tousles his hair messily. “Everything sucks! I fucking hate everything!” Renjun exclaims with as much breath he can gather. He hears his friends’ laughter in the back. Jaemin encourages him to let everything out. “Dad, I love you!” He breathes deeply and grips the edge of the window pane. “Mark, I’m so fucking sorry!” He swallows and the wind roars in his ears. “Fuck everything! Fuck cancer!”

“Fuck cancer!” Jaemin and Yukhei yells.

Renjun laughs, a weight leaving his chest. He slumps back against Jaemin and Yukhei rolls the windows back up. Jaemin hugs him from behind and pats his stomach. “You feeling better?”

“You guys are idiots,” Renjun tells them.

“That makes the three of us,” Yukhei chirps. “You good? Or you want another round?”

“I’m good,” Renjun says. He tells himself he’ll get over it. “I wish you idiots wouldn’t leave so soon too.”

Jaemin rubs his arm comfortingly. “It’s only an hour away. We’ll come back during the weekends.”

“That’s what you say now,” Renjun retorts.

“We’ll come back whenever we can,” Yukhei assures him.

For the rest of the journey back, they put on old hits and sing along without a care, butchering the lyrics or abandoning them altogether. Renjun decides to tell them about his internship acceptance at the food magazine. They congratulate him and they promise to call each other at least once a week. Jaemin says he’ll call every day and Renjun begs him not to. Renjun manages to forget about the ache in his chest for a while. Yukhei fortunately drives them safely home without any tears shed.

———

Renjun’s schedule goes like this: eight to three in the kitchen studio and four to eight at the cafe on Mondays to Thursdays. On Fridays he works at the cafe up till lunch and spends the rest of the day with his dad. On the weekends he only clocks in nine to three at the boba shop and comes home early to spend time with his dad. He tries not to take long shifts because he doesn’t want to leave his dad alone at home for too long. On days where his aunt visits and stays for a few days, he allows himself to work extra hours. His aunt has been visiting more often lately, almost twice every month and he’s glad for it because it not only gives his dad more company, but also gives him a place to turn to for comfort, especially when it comes to issues related to his dad.

Renjun keeps himself busy and has been doing so for the past few months. He texts Yukhei and Jaemin whenever he can and they don’t leave him out of the loop much with how they’re making his phone notifications explode regularly. Mark doesn’t call him at all, not that he had expected it. He doesn’t call Mark either. It’s better like that. He does hear updates about Mark and Jeno from Donghyuck whenever Donghyuck comes by the kitchen studio from the office and have lunch together with him.

Renjun learns that Jeno’s joined the college basketball team, an expected news given Jeno’s involvement in high school. Mark had joined a research programme so his days are mostly of him in the lab. Donghyuck mentions that Mark gets so busy sometimes that Jeno has to personally find him, drag him out and take him out for lunch and even dinner in some cases. Renjun’s glad Jeno’s there to take care of him.

Donghyuck and Renjun had built up an easy friendship between them over the past few months. Renjun doesn’t share too much about his life and Donghyuck doesn’t pry. But Renjun wouldn’t be surprised if Donghyuck has already guessed for himself the kind of life Renjun has since Renjun has mentioned his dad (he makes sure he doesn’t bring up his sickness) and his other shifts a number of times. Besides, Donghyuck is eerily perceptive and freakishly accurate. He just seems to know everything.

It’s Thursday today but Renjun isn’t headed to the cafe for his shift after work. He’s already informed Sicheng about it. He’s baked some chocolate chip cookies in the kitchen studio for a test recipe and they had turned out amazing. He thinks Rose would really like them and plans to give some to her after work. He’s managed to get his driver’s license two months back and now enjoys stealing Sicheng’s pick-up truck from time to time. The cafe only ever uses it on Mondays to pick up ingredients and he’s sure Sicheng doesn’t mind him stealing it even if he nags about it. Renjun had asked Donghyuck during lunch if he would want to visit Rose with him and Donghyuck had been pleased at the idea.

Renjun drives them there after work. As they walk up to the front door, Donghyuck mentions it’s been a while since he came over. Renjun tells him that the last time he came was about two weeks ago.

“I brought her strawberry macarons then and she really liked them,” Renjun recounts, already smiling at the memory halfway through. “I told her she couldn’t eat too much and she got angry at me. You do not want to see her angry.”

Donghyuck chuckles. “She’s as stubborn as her brother.”

“Must be his doing.”

“I don’t doubt it. Do you come over often?”

Renjun presses the doorbell. “I try to. I’m scared she gets lonely with Mark gone. The other day she had to get her blood drawn and she was so scared, she wouldn’t even listen to her mom. Mark usually follows to the hospital to calm her. I guess it was a good thing I visited.” They wait patiently for someone to get the door. “I offered to accompany them and Rose felt much better. It made me realise there are times where she really needs her brother so I thought the least I could do was to come over every now and then.”

Donghyuck smiles and squeezes Renjun’s shoulder. “That’s really nice of you.”

Mark’s dad opens the door and gives them a warm welcome. He announces to Rose that there are people at the door for her. She comes zooming down the hallway with a giant grin on her face and jumps into Donghyuck’s arms.

“Oof, Rose you’ve gotten so big now.”

Rose giggles. She clings to Donghyuck. “Missed you!”

Renjun raises an eyebrow. “You’re sick of me now, huh?”

“Rose likes Jun too!”

Renjun ruffles her hair and Donghyuck smiles at her. “I’ll come by more often.”

“What were you doing, Rose?” Renjun asks as Donghyuck walks ahead, carrying her in his arms.

Rose looks at him over Donghyuck’s shoulder. “Drawing! Cats and flowers and bunnies. Come see!”

Donghyuck lets her down in the living room and takes a seat on the couch together with Renjun. Rose eagerly shows them one of her drawings and enthusiastically explains every detail of it. When she’s done explaining proudly, Renjun and Donghyuck tell her what a good job she’s done. She lights up even further when Renjun tells her he brought her cookies.

“I’ll go grab a plate from the kitchen,” Renjun tells Donghyuck. He’s hoping to see Mark’s mom in the kitchen since he hasn’t greeted her since he arrived. He sees her when he enters. She’s busy frying vegetable fritters with one hand and holding a phone to her ear with the another.

“Hi Mrs Lee,” Renjun greets softly so as to not disturb her phone call. “I need a plate,” he mouths.

Her eyes widen in surprise at his presence. She gives him a welcoming smile and points to a rack of plates. She holds the phone a distance away from herself so the person on the other end won’t be able to pick up her voice. “Just take one,” she tells Renjun warmly. “I’m on the phone with Mark right now.”

Renjun almost stills and tries not to let his discomfort show. He simply nods stiffly in response. She tells him to take whatever he needs before she turns off the stove and promptly returns back to the call. A frown forms on her face. She crosses her arms and sighs. “Are you really that busy? It’s Christmas.” She purses her lips at whatever Mark says, a look of disapproval on her face. “There’s a month left, can’t you rearrange your schedule and make it home?”

Renjun doesn’t think he should stay in the kitchen any longer because he doesn’t want to impose. He silently moves towards the rack of plates.

Mark’s mom shifts to give way for Renjun to get to the plates. She listens to Mark talk and her face doesn’t change. She looks like she’s had enough and says with finality, “I don’t care. You better come home for Christmas. I’ll get your friends to convince you if I have to. In fact, I can get Renjun to convince you right now.”

Renjun freezes just as he secures a plate in his hand. He hopes she wasn’t actually serious about that. He feels the immediate need to escape. He tries to make his way out of the kitchen quickly but he makes eye contact with Mark’s mom and right at that moment, he knows he’s doomed.

He sees the request in her eyes. She holds the phone to her chest so Mark won’t be able to hear their conversation. “Would you, please?”

Renjun’s stomach drops. He wracks his brain for an acceptable reply. He hasn’t heard Mark’s voice in months, let alone talk to him. He doesn’t even know what to say. “I think it’s best I don’t get involved,” he tells her.

“Oh, please do try. You know how hard it is to crack him once he’s decided.” She puts out the phone for Renjun to take. Renjun hesitates, feels his palms clamming up.

“I’ll talk to him,” Donghyuck says suddenly, appearing from behind Renjun. Renjun almost breathes out in relief, more thankful than ever at the solace Donghyuck provides. Donghyuck gives him a reassuring pat and takes the phone from Mark’s mom. Renjun doesn’t know when Donghyuck had come into the kitchen but he’s grateful nonetheless. Donghyuck even saves him further by sending him away. “You better go. Rose is getting cranky.”

Renjun hopes Donghyuck sees the gratitude on his face. Just before he steps out, he hears Donghyuck say, “Hey, it’s me. Don’t be so disappointed.”

He leaves and rejoins Rose in the living room. Rose grins at the sight of the cookies. Renjun exhales to collect himself and the sight Rose scrambling to grab a cookie from him makes him smile.

Donghyuck comes out of the kitchen a while later and his expression doesn’t tell Renjun anything. But it’s Donghyuck, so his expression _never_ tells him anything.

Donghyuck sits next to him. They watch Rose draw bunnies when Renjun absentmindedly asks, “Is he coming home for Christmas?”

“No.”

“Is it me?”

Donghyuck shrugs. “I can’t speak for him.”

That might as well be a yes. Renjun furrows his brows. “He’s being impossible. His family misses him. Tell him I won’t appear anywhere near him so he doesn’t have to worry.”

“Tell him all that yourself if you’re so riled up about it.”

Renjun knows that Donghyuck is aware him and Mark aren’t talking. He gives Donghyuck a glare. “Shut up.”

Donghyuck laughs annoyingly and elbows him. “Trust me, I’ve been persuading him to come home the past few weeks. Even Jeno has. But you know how stubborn he is. And he really is busy at school, it’s not just an excuse.”

“But still,” Renjun reasons.

Donghyuck only gives a small smile, one that tells he knows things Renjun doesn’t. “I think a big reason for it is that he’s not ready to come back yet. Being away makes it easier to forget. Being back home will remind him of everything he’s tried to erase away.”

Renjun’s chest feels heavy. “Well let’s hope he truly manages to forget everything then. He’s doing well so far.”

“Strange,” Donghyuck provides thoughtfully, “that you both think the same things.”

———

On the day Renjun receives good news, he receives bad news as well. If this is the universe’s idea of balance, Renjun is not impressed.

His day starts off with the good news first. His internship is only for six months and it’s ending within a week. The good news is not that it’s ending, the good news is that he received a scholarship offer from the company to get a degree at a renowned culinary school they’re partnered up with. The scholarship comes with a bond which means Renjun still has to clock in working hours while schooling; it’s a part-time kind of thing. But Renjun sees it more of a pro than a con. He really enjoys working there and the scholarship is a great opportunity for him to learn and hone his skills. But like all things, it comes at a cost. The culinary school is too far away from home for Renjun to even consider applying. Even if the company has another building near the school to make it easier for him to go back and forth between school and work, Renjun doesn’t think it’s wise of him to leave home given his circumstances. They gave him time to consider but Renjun thinks his answer is already set.

The first person he tells is Donghyuck. He doesn’t really tell Donghyuck per se, it was more of Donghyuck informing him that he knows of the scholarship offer. Renjun doesn’t even bother asking him how he knows. It’s Donghyuck, of course he knows.

The bad news comes during his lunch with Donghyuck in the form of a phone call. It’s from his aunt. His aunt has been in town for the past few days and she has been staying over to help with everything, as she usually does every month. The content of the call however is unexpected and renders Renjun at a complete loss.

Renjun’s mind is thrown into chaos and everything around him starts to spin. He bolts up immediately from his chair once the call ends. There’s only one thing on his mind and it’s telling him to _go_. He doesn’t think his heart has ever beaten this fast before. He needs to rush. He needs to leave now.

Donghyuck looks up at him, wary and confused. “Is everything okay?”

A car. He needs a car _now_.

He didn’t drive the pick-up truck today. It’s a Monday, Sicheng uses the truck on Mondays. He immediately thinks of taking a cab when his eyes zero in on Donghyuck.

Donghyuck drove to work today.

In a rush, he says, “I need you to drive me to the hospital.”

It would be faster since he doesn’t have to wait unlike for a cab. He knows he would be imposing on Donghyuck but he supposes he can afford that on his conscience and make up to Donghyuck after. More importantly, Donghyuck knows him. Compared to a stranger, Donghyuck is less likely to freak out over him freaking out. And Renjun’s pretty close to freaking out.

Donghyuck looks alarmed. “What?”

Renjun’s breath quickens. He needs to hurry. “I need a ride. My dad, he - I don’t know what happened but I need - I need to be there. Please, just this once. I need you to help me- I can’t-”

Donghyuck stands, the significance of the situation dawning upon him. “Okay, okay. Calm down. I’ll drive you there. But you have to promise me to calm down.”

In the car, Renjun is restless. Donghyuck tells him to stop worrying because it won’t help with anything. He knows Donghyuck’s right but it’s hard not to. His head swims with every possibility of what could have happened, mostly ones he hopes aren’t true, and he’s scared. He’s so scared. He’s never been this scared before and he doesn’t know what to do. Heat starts to build at the back of his eyes and he just can’t stop thinking. He needs to be there, he needs to get to the hospital-

“Renjun, breathe.” Donghyuck’s voice reaches out to him and anchors him back down. “You need to breathe. You can cry it’s - oh, you’re already crying. That’s fine. But you have to breathe.”

Renjun tries. He inhales but his breath is shaky because he’s sniffling. He tries it again. He breathes in, breathes out. Breathes in, breathes out. He repeats it and after a few more rounds of controlled breathing, he finds that his head is less jumbled and it’s less noisy than before.

“Just like that,” Donghyuck says, glancing at him every few seconds while keeping a firm grip on the steering wheel. “Breathe slowly. In, then out. No, it’s okay, you don’t have to stop crying. It’s okay. Breathe, Renjun.”

Renjun follows obediently and finds himself more composed. He’s still worried sick but at least his head is a lot clearer now. He wipes his cheeks and grips his seatbelt tightly. “God, Donghyuck. I’m so scared,” he murmurs.

“Scared is normal. Just don’t delve into the bad scenarios, alright? We’re almost there. You wanna call your aunt?”

Renjun clears his throat and shakily picks up his phone from his lap. “Yeah.”

The moment Donghyuck drops him off, Renjun runs. The only thing that keeps him grounded is the fact that his dad isn’t located in the ICU. That keeps him from literally going crazy. When he reaches the ward his aunt mentioned, his eyes land on his dad immediately and his legs almost give way. His dad is conscious but he looks worn. Renjun’s aunt is sitting next to his bed, holding his dad’s hand gingerly. There’s only one other patient in the room and he’s with two visitors. Everyone is looking at him, probably because of how dishevelled and panicked he looks. Renjun thinks they would understand if they too were on the edge of breaking down.

“Dad,” he croaks out, catching his breath. He’s extremely relieved to see that his dad isn’t in a critical condition but he can see that his dad is weak. His dad tries to give him a smile but it’s barely visible. His dad looks more weary than usual and it tugs at Renjun’s heart. Renjun can only imagine the amount of pain he’s in. Renjun goes to sit at the edge of the bed. His aunt lets go of his dad’s hand for him to hold. He takes it.

“God, dad, you scared me so bad.” He blinks the heat in his eyes away and a stray tear rolls down his cheek, a result of how overwhelmed he is. He doesn’t bother to wipe it away. “I was so worried.”

“I told your aunt not to scare you,” his dad says, his voice sounding hoarse. “There’s nothing to worry about.”

“You’re the one who gave us a scare,” Renjun’s aunt refutes. “And you’re in pain, it _is_ something to worry about.”

“What happened?” Renjun asks, caressing his dad’s hand.

Renjun’s aunt sighs. “The pain got too much all of a sudden and he couldn’t bear it. He gave me such a fright, I could barely think.”

“But they drugged me up, I’m okay now. I’m not dead yet.” His dad tries to joke to lighten the mood but he really has a bad sense of when and what to joke about.

Renjun glares at him but softens right after. “It’s not funny, dad.”

His dad chuckles. “I know, I know.” His dad thumbs his hand. “I’m really fine now. I’m sorry I scared you.”

A nurse and doctor come to check up on his dad and promise to come back again, hopefully with some results of the tests they had done before Renjun arrived. Renjun and his aunt doesn’t leave his dad’s side after the nurse and doctor leave. When his dad drifts off to sleep, his aunt asks to talk to him outside. They get a cup of coffee each from the vending machine and settle at the seats outside the wards.

“What’s going to happen to him?” Renjun asks, bent over with his elbows on his knees. “When I got your call, I thought-” Renjun shakes his head, “I didn’t know what to think.”

“Don’t feel bad for thinking about the worst. It’s only natural that you did. I was scared too.” His aunt rubs up and down his back comfortingly. “The doctors said that chemo has been helping your dad so far and that things are actually looking positive. They suspect the cancer cells may have become resistant which might have triggered the pain.”

“How bad is his condition?”

“They think that it’s not detrimental, although they can’t say for sure. They’ve run some tests and scans. We’ll find out soon enough.” His aunt caresses his head gently. “The worst is that they do surgery and try out a stronger drug. Which isn’t really all that bad. The doctors said that since he responded well to the first round of chemo, the response is likely to be similar with this other drug.”

Renjun feels his mouth starting to dry. He turns his head to look at his aunt. “He’s going to be okay?”

She gives him a tight-lipped smile. “We have to hope so. Jun, listen. I want to tell you something.” She looks at him, wanting his full attention. Renjun sits straighter, noticing that she looks serious. “I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. I’m planning on stepping down from my position at work.”

“Why? Is everything okay?”

“Everything is wonderful. But I want to pass my role to somebody else. I’ll still be in the company, but I’ll be less busy and I’ll rarely have to go into the office. I can stay at home more… and by home, I was thinking maybe your home.”

Renjun blinks at her. “You’re moving in?”

“Only if you agree. Your dad says your opinion is what matters most.”

“Of course I want you to move in!” Renjun exclaims, giving her a hug. “This means more to me than you think. I don’t know what to say. But giving up your job,” Renjun lets go and looks at her.

She smiles fondly at him. She tucks his hair behind his ear. “I’ve achieved so much with my position. It’s time I let someone else have the chance. I’m just sorry it took this long for me to give you this.”

Renjun shakes his head. “I’ve always appreciated everything you do for us.”

She looks at him pointedly. “Then why don’t you accept my money?”

“I do accept it,” Renjun insists. “I just don’t.. use it… No, wait listen, I use it, but only when it gets bad. I feel bad for using your money.”

“ _I_ feel bad,” his aunt protests. “And so does your dad. You know how bad he feels for keeping you here when all your friends are off at college?”

Renjun mutters, “But I want to be here.”

His aunt sighs, holding his two hands in her lap. “Your dad and I talked the past few days and we think you’re very mature, Jun. We’re so proud of you. But we want you to be a kid again. Go to school, have fun, stop working and worrying about things you shouldn’t have to. You had to grow up too fast. It pains me whenever I see you, Jun, to know that you had to give up so many things.”

Renjun looks down at his lap and mumbles, “I don’t regret any of it.”

“You’re a sweet boy. But we want you to put yourself first for once. We want to see you do well. Your dad wants to see you happy.”

“He wants me to go to college?” Renjun asks quietly.

“If you want. Whatever you want. He doesn’t want you to hold yourself back from doing whatever you want to do. He doesn’t want to be the reason for it.”

It saddens Renjun to think how horrible his dad must have felt that he kept all that from him. Renjun knows his dad loves him and only wants the best for him. But he wants that for his dad too because he loves his dad so much as well. He thinks hard. Eventually he looks up at his aunt and asks, “Can I tell you something?”

His aunt nods, squeezes his hands and listens.

Renjun tells her about the scholarship offer he received. She couldn’t be happier for him. He tells her everything else that comes with it as well. The pros, the cons, his worries, his reservations. His aunt listens patiently and it feels nice to let out his worries to someone and know that they genuinely care about him. At the end of it, she tells him she understands how he feels but she’s persistent in how she really wants him to be selfish just this once, and that she’s sure his dad will say the same. She persuades and encourages him to accept the offer.

She tells him not to worry about the financial part, that she can take care of it. Renjun refuses and she tells him to at least use the money he’s been keeping safe for himself. He could use that for his accommodation, expenses and whatever else he needs. She and his dad can take care of the medical costs for his dad’s treatment. She sounds excited for him but Renjun isn’t quite sure yet if he wants to go. He has never left his dad before.

“You know what he’ll say,” his aunt comments.

“He’ll ask me to go.”

“Exactly.”

“But I can’t leave him,” Renjun tells her. “I can’t do that.”

“We’ll work something out, okay? It’s not going to be goodbye forever. This is your chance, Jun. Take it.”

But that’s the thing. For him and his dad, it could be goodbye forever and that thought scares him endlessly. “I don’t want to make a mistake. If I lose him,” Renjun stops, not wanting to continue his sentence. His throat becomes dry.

“You’ll never lose him, Jun. He’ll never lose you too.”

“I don’t know.”

His aunt kisses his forehead. “Think about it, okay? We only want you to be happy.”

———

There’s a week left till Christmas and it looks like Renjun will be spending it at the hospital. The previous week the hospital had carried out scans and tests and now that those are done and the results are just as how they predicted, a surgery is underway the coming week. They’re hoping to remove any form of suspicious growth and to prevent a similar ordeal from happening again. In fact, they think his dad’s condition can be stabilised for a long time if everything goes smoothly.

Renjun’s aunt had gone back to settle her work and pack essential things from her house to be brought over to Renjun’s. They’ve planned on packing and moving more thoroughly after the surgery. With his aunt away, Renjun has been visiting his dad alone for the past few days. He had told Jaemin and Yukhei about his dad’s hospitalisation a few days after it happened. He didn’t tell them immediately because he wanted to wait till he was less overwhelmed. He didn’t want them to worry too much. Jaemin says he will be coming home this weekend while Yukhei will come back next week, two days before Christmas.

Today, Renjun goes to the hospital from the kitchen studio. He had lunch with Donghyuck earlier and although he didn’t tell Donghyuck the exact details, he updates him that his dad is coping well. Donghyuck is nice so he doesn’t pry deeper than what Renjun tells him. Renjun thinks maybe one day he’ll introduce Donghyuck to his dad. But for now, not just yet.

It’s about seven thirty at night and visiting hours are ending soon. His dad is lying down and watching him while he sits at the chair by the bed. Renjun tells his dad to sleep because he looks tired. He doesn’t want his dad to still be awake when he has to leave. He won’t be able to sleep at home not knowing whether or not his dad is sleeping well.

“Just promise me you’ll think it through thoroughly. Don’t think about me, this is about you,” his dad tells him instead of sleeping.

“Dad.”

“Promise me.”

Renjun sighs. “I promise.”

“Good,” his dad looks more at ease now. “I love you, I hope you know that.”

His dad had once said that he’s afraid he never says it enough. But Renjun had always thought that his dad could say it once and never again, and he’d still know how much his dad loves him after a lifetime passes. No matter how many times his dad says or doesn’t say it, it’s always enough.

“I love you too, dad.”

His dad falls asleep after a while, the medication making it easy for him. Visiting hours aren’t over yet so Renjun stays and continues to watch over him. It gets lonely at home anyway.

His dad’s side of the room is dark and melancholic. The curtains are drawn and there’s only a dim yellow light from the wall light with a trace of white light from outside the door. Renjun sits with his feet curled up on the chair and he idly watches the movement of his dad’s chest. He hugs his legs and rests his chin on top of his knees.

He had talked to his dad earlier about the scholarship and his dad was more than happy for him. His dad says if the surgery and follow-up chemotherapy go well and if his condition stabilises according to the doctor’s words, Renjun has to promise him that he won’t sacrifice any more things for him. His dad really wants him to accept the scholarship and go out and do things for himself. His dad reasons that his aunt will be around to take care of him and that they’ll work things out around whatever Renjun chooses. Renjun had taken his dad’s hand then and asked him earnestly if that’s what he really wants. His dad showed no hesitance in his answer and although this means so many new things ahead for Renjun, Renjun can’t help but feel a bit sad.

While watching his dad sleep, Renjun easily gets lost in his thoughts. His phone which he had put on silent mode suddenly vibrates and Renjun thinks it might be Yukhei because Yukhei had mentioned that he would call. Renjun is about to pick up the call when he notices that the caller ID isn’t Yukhei at all. It’s Mark.

Mark.

He grows anxious as the vibration continues. Mark hadn’t called him in a long while. Renjun considers that it might be a mistake and Mark hadn’t meant to call him. But it keeps ringing and despite all his reservations, Renjun slides the answer button and tentatively puts his phone to his ear. He waits and listens.

It’s silent on the other end and Renjun thinks he’s right, the call was a mistake when,

“Hello? Jun?”

Renjun’s stomach churns. He clutches his legs tighter. The fact that Mark hadn’t reverted back to calling him _Renjun_ strikes out to him more than it should.

“Hello?” Mark tries again. “Hey, are you there?”

Renjun clears his throat. “Mark?”

A sharp intake of air. “Yeah, it’s me.” A pregnant pause. “I know this is unexpected. I’m sorry if it surprised you. I heard from Donghyuck, well he didn’t exactly tell me, it slipped out when he called me earlier - that’s not important umm,” Mark pauses again and it’s clear he’s struggling not to ramble. He exhales. “I heard that your dad’s in the hospital. Is everything okay?”

Mark sounds worried - worried enough that he stopped their half-year-long silence just to check if everything is fine. Renjun tells himself that it’s simply in Mark’s nature to worry because Mark always cares and that it’s just who he is. Even if it’s not out of character, it touches Renjun nonetheless.

“Everything’s okay,” Renjun tells him. He speaks quietly so his dad doesn’t wake. “My dad was in a lot of pain but he’s improving greatly. He’s got surgery in a few days and the doctors are being positive about the outcome. Things are looking hopeful.”

“That sounds great, I’ll pray his surgery goes well,” says Mark. Gently, “How are you holding up?”

Renjun snuggles into his knees. He would usually be vague whenever someone asks him a question like this but he finds that the words flow out of him smoothly upon hearing Mark’s voice. “Honestly? I was worse last week. But seeing my dad trying to comfort me despite being in pain gives me strength. My aunt was around too so I had someone to lean on. The house has been quiet lately.” Renjun knows he’s probably telling Mark unnecessary things but he had always found it easy to talk to Mark. It’s only easy to fall back into habit.

“You must be lonely.”

“Sometimes, yeah. But I’ll be okay.” _I wish you were here._

There’s silence before Mark speaks again. “Remember to take care of yourself too.”

“I will. You too.”

“Of course.”

More silence.

Mark is probably going to hang up but Renjun doesn’t want him to, not just yet. It should feel weird to hear Mark’s voice after so long but it doesn’t. It’s welcoming and comforting and it brings an ache in his chest that only grows. Renjun runs his hand through his hair and he’ll probably regret it but- “Hey, Mark?”

“Hmm?”

An inhale of breath, a forbidden confession. “Is it okay to tell you I miss you?”

Mark doesn’t speak and the silence feels so heavy that Renjun starts to feel helpless. He waits for Mark to say something, _anything_ , but the wait gets a little too long and Renjun thinks himself foolish for saying such a thing. What was he thinking?

“That was selfish, I’m sorry-”

“I miss you too, Jun.”

A few more beats of silence.

Renjun inhales and murmurs, “You’re not still waiting for me, are you?”

He hears Mark’s steady breathing. “Jun, I don’t think we should-”

Renjun closes his eyes and internally reprimands himself. “I’m sorry that was selfish too.” He usually is better than this, he always thinks before he speaks. He doesn’t know what’s the matter with him. “Please ignore what I said,” he mumbles.

Silence seeps in again and all that’s audible is their breathing. At last, Mark sighs silently. “Jun, I have to go.”

Renjun swallows. “Of course. I’m sorry to keep you.”

“Take care, Jun.”

The call ends. Renjun breathes deeply and collects himself. The visiting hours are ending in a few minutes. He tucks his dad in, kisses his dad’s forehead and tells him he loves him, even if his dad is already asleep _._ He grabs his bag from the floor, thanks the nurses and leaves. He’s walking out of the hospital when his phone vibrates in his hand. He checks it. They’re text messages from Mark.

**Mark**

_I guess I’m selfish too_

_Because I think I’m still waiting_

_even if you don’t want me to_

Renjun feels a rush of something, maybe hope, he’s not quite sure, but he clings onto it. His heartbeat races as he types out his reply.

**Me**

_Come home for Christmas_

_———_

Jaemin comes back on Saturday and he plans to stay over at Renjun’s on Sunday.

On Sunday, Renjun meets Jaemin at the hospital after his shift at the boba shop. Jaemin fusses over his dad dramatically and his dad almost forgets how loud Jaemin can be. Jaemin beams at the statement and promises to visit more often despite his dad’s insistent rejection. But it’s all teasing and fun and it’s nice to see that some things haven’t change.

Jaemin comes home with him and stays the night. They lie together in Renjun’s bed in his bedroom and Jaemin makes Renjun update him about everything. Renjun refuses, tells him to wait till Yukhei comes back so he doesn’t have to repeat it twice but Jaemin is stubborn. And Jaemin knows how to push Renjun to get what he wants so Renjun ends up telling him everything, from the scholarship offer to the phone call with his aunt, the rush to the hospital, the upcoming surgery and most recently the phone call with Mark.

“You still like him,” Jaemin states after listening, ruminating it over with his hands beneath his head while he stares up at the ceiling. The lamp on Renjun’s table is turned on for Jaemin as it always is whenever Jaemin stays the night. “This is so sad. It’s like some Romeo and Juliet shit.”

Renjun snorts. “I don’t think that’s the right reference.”

“Whatever. I hated literature anyway. But I was thinking. Since things are improving with your dad, and you also have that scholarship thing, maybe, I don’t know - maybe you can consider working things out with Mark?”

“I thought so too. Well I hope to,” Renjun says truthfully, staring out at the ceiling as well, hands resting on his stomach. “Kinda the reason why I asked him to come back.”

“Maybe you have to make it clearer.”

Renjun rolls his eyes. “Come on, Jaemin. He’s not dumb.” From Renjun’s point of view, it’s quite clear - he told Mark he misses him and also insinuated that he’s hoping for Mark be home for Christmas. He thinks his intentions are clearly conveyed but Jaemin’s words brings a sliver of doubt on whether they had reached Mark the way Renjun had intended them to.

“Then why didn’t he reply you after that?”

“Stop asking me questions I don’t know the answers to, Na,” Renjun groans. “Maybe he’s already over me, who knows. I told him to, didn’t I?”

“I doubt it. He said he’s waiting for you,” Jaemin points out.

Renjun sighs. “I don’t know, Jaemin. It’s really up to him whether or not he comes home.”

“And if he does?”

Renjun mumbles his answer but Jaemin catches it clearly. Jaemin gets up on his elbow to stare at Renjun in disbelief. “You’re planning on _confessing_?”

Renjun shies away, turning his back to Jaemin. Jaemin pokes his side and Renjun doesn’t need to see Jaemin’s face to know that he’s beaming. “I can’t believe this! He better come home, he doesn’t know what he’ll miss out on.” Jaemin laughs and it’s a happy, cheery one. “God, you like him a lot, don’t you?”

Renjun turns back to Jaemin and looks at him seriously albeit nervously. “He understands me so well without even trying, Jaemin. It’s strange. He just knows what to say or how to make me feel better about everything. He just _knows_ me, like it’s.. like it’s innate. I don’t even know.”

Jaemin smirks. “Maybe he’s your soulmate.”

Renjun smacks his shoulder and he falls back to the bed. He stares at the ceiling again.

“But I’m happy for you, you know? So is Yukhei. He thinks it’s good you have someone you can wholly trust. I can’t wait for him to get here. He has this stupid long-ass best friend speech prepared. It’s fucking hilarious. But it makes you cry too.”

“Fucking saps,” Renjun laughs, his own way of expressing affection. “Thanks. For letting me depend on you guys. I really don’t know what I would do without the both of you.”

“You’d be miserable, that’s what.” Jaemin gives him a smile. “And we love you too, sap.”

Jaemin hugs him and it feels like the past, like when they were twelve, or fifteen or eighteen. Renjun likes how the feeling never changes.

When he lets go, he fixes his gaze at Jaemin knowingly. “Enough about me. _You_ haven’t been telling me everything. Yukhei tells me there’s a boy involved.”

Jaemin groans and covers his face with a pillow to hide from Renjun’s scrutinising gaze. “That traitorous bastard. I’m gonna kill him.”

———

A day before Christmas, an update from Donghyuck tells him that Jeno had come home alone. Renjun hides his disappointment and distracts himself from it by enjoying the mini Christmas eve cum Christmas celebration he and his aunt had planned at the hospital with Jaemin and Yukhei. His dad’s surgery is the next day, on Christmas of all days, so they’ve decided to celebrate everything together. His dad doesn’t get to eat the delicious food they’ve prepared but that’s fine because he’s still happy nevertheless. Everyone is cheery and smiling and laughter continuously fills the room. Renjun couldn’t have asked for better people to be with.

On Christmas day, Renjun and his aunt brought a mini Christmas tree to put beside his dad’s bed. His dad goes into surgery before midday. His dad only wakes in the evening but Renjun is there when he does. There are _I love you_ ’s and _Merry_ _Christmas_ ’s exchanged and Renjun and his aunt stays until visiting hours are over.

On Christmas night after Renjun and his aunt reach home and Renjun is resting in his bed, Renjun receives an unexpected text from Mark. The text has Mark’s flight details and a simple _pick me up?_ Renjun doesn’t sleep that night. The next morning, Renjun steals Sicheng’s pickup truck.

At the airport, he waits nervously for Mark to come out. His heart skips a beat whenever someone walks near him, in both fear and anticipation that it would be Mark. But when Mark finally appears, Mark’s eyes search for him and when Mark spots him, Mark’s face gives way to a bashful smile and he gives Renjun a small wave.

Renjun starts walking towards him so that they can meet faster, his heartbeat increasing fast with every step. _Oh my god,_ he thinks the closer they get to each other. How long has it been since they last saw each other? About half a year, give or take, but it feels like forever. Something tears through his chest as Mark’s figure becomes more defined and the distance between them decreases. His chest feels constricted, he’s suddenly overwhelmed by the fact that Mark is physically in front of him again.

His footsteps quicken. _Oh my god,_ he thinks again _._ He sees Mark squeezing past people to get through to him _. Oh my god,_ he breathes. He doesn’t think anymore, he breaks out into a run.

_Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god._

Mark is only a few metres away now. Renjun continues muttering those words in his head as he runs. When they finally meet, he throws his arms around Mark’s neck without thinking, heart beating wildly. Mark catches him, surprised by the embrace but he welcomes it, hands wrapping naturally around Renjun.

“Oh my god,” Renjun breathes out into Mark’s shoulder, nervousness mixed with relief.

“Thanks for coming,” Mark tells him appreciatively. They stay like that for a bit and while it feels nice, it starts to get awkward because they hadn’t talked in months; hugging feels too intimate an act considering their situation.

Renjun lets go of Mark embarrassedly and refuses to look Mark in the eye. If Mark catches his embarrassment, he says nothing of it.

“Let me help you with that,” Renjun mumbles, grabbing Mark’s luggage. None of them say anything else. Renjun pulls Mark’s luggage for him and puts it in the backseat of the pickup truck. They both get on and it’s an awkward drive to Mark’s place. Renjun doesn’t want it to be like this, he wants them to talk but he doesn’t know how to start.

“I tried to book a flight to come home before Christmas,” Mark speaks up and fills the silence to Renjun’s relief. “But everything was booked. This was the earliest flight I could find. I would have been back by Christmas otherwise.”

Mark’s trying to explain to him why he couldn’t make it home in time for Christmas. The only reason Renjun can think of why Mark is explaining himself to him is that Mark hadn’t thought of coming back initially, not until Renjun asked him to. The thought of it flusters Renjun as much as it touches him. Mark hadn’t wanted to disappoint him and he finds that endearing.

“You’re here now,” Renjun tells him. “That’s enough to make everyone happy.”

The conversation dies there abruptly and Renjun struggles to think of something to say _._ Mark idly watches the road in front.

_“_ Are we not going to talk about how you were extremely pleased to see me?”

Renjun winces. “No.”

Renjun glances over and sees Mark failing horribly at suppressing a wide smile. Mark brings up his palm to his mouth to try act like he’s thinking but Renjun knows it’s just a guise to cover it up.

“Fuck,” Renjun laughs, trying to hide how flustered he is. “We’re forgetting that ever happened.”

“Nope, not happening,” Mark laughs, gives up hiding his smile altogether. Mark sits more comfortably now and rolls his head over his shoulder to look at Renjun. Renjun feels heat creep up his neck.

“Mom says you’ve been coming over to see Rose a lot.”

“I didn’t want her to feel lonely.”

“Really?”

“Okay, maybe _I_ was lonely _._ Stop trying to win everything, fucking nerd.”

Mark smiles. Just like that, it’s like nothing has changed in the time they were apart.

“Thank you for doing that. It means a lot to me.”

“Don’t thank me for something I wanted to do.”

The silence that fills in is more comfortable now and both of them are more relaxed. Hesitantly and bashfully, Mark speaks, “It seems you didn’t do a very good job of forgetting me.”

Renjun glances at Mark briefly and sees that Mark is still looking at him, captivated and infatuated. It makes heat crawl under his skin to think that Mark still looks at him the same. Renjun returns his eyes to the road. “I think it worked out better that way.”

They fall back into conversation naturally after that and they start filling in each other with what’s been happening in their life. Renjun learns that Mark loves his course, has a wacky roommate that’s unwaveringly loyal and that he’d ace all his finals. Renjun updates Mark too, he tells about how things are working out for his dad, about his aunt moving in, about his scholarship offer. Mark has the widest genuine smile when he hears it and it makes Renjun feel shy but grateful for the sentiment.

“God, Jun, that’s really fantastic. You don’t know how happy I am for you.”

“Thanks.” Renjun drums his fingers on the steering wheel. “You know, I did some research if I were to accept the scholarship-”

“Which you should-”

“-And I found that our schools are only half an hour apart.”

Mark looks surprised at the revelation. “You searched about that?”

“It came out while I was searching,” Renjun mutters avertedly.

“I’m sure it did,” Mark smiles. Renjun internally withers and dies of embarrassment.

“I swear it did.” They both know he’s lying but neither mentions it.

After a while more of driving, they reach Mark’s house at last. Renjun parks in the driveway and Mark doesn’t make to get out immediately. It’s funny because Renjun had wanted to tell him to stay a while. Renjun doesn’t find it strange how the sentiment they share is the same even if neither of them says it out.

Mark turns to him. “Thanks for driving me home.”

“No problem.”

“Can I come visit your dad tomorrow?”

Renjun smiles warmly. “He’ll like that. I’ll come fetch you.”

Mark grins back. “Great, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow then?”

Actually,” Renjun interjects before Mark can leave, “I was hoping we could talk.”

“Oh,” Mark says. Mark unbuckles his seatbelt and shifts to give Renjun his full attention. “Okay. What about?”

Renjun presses his lips together. “I’m sorry,” he says, direct to the point. “For everything before this. I hurt you and even though you gave me a chance, I pushed you away, I wasn’t-”

“I’m sorry too,” Mark interrupts, stopping Renjun from saying more. It seems that when one starts to be honest about their feelings, the other only follows naturally. “I know it must have been hard for you to have done what you did and that you only meant well for me. I was too caught up in my own feelings to consider your own.”

“That didn’t mean you shouldn’t have felt the way you did. I know you trusted me and you were willing to wait, but I couldn’t trust how the future would turn out. I didn’t want to lead you into hoping.”

“I know,” Mark sighs. “I should have tried to understand you better.”

Renjun shakes his head. “Don’t be sorry.”

Then don’t be sorry too,” Mark tells him. Mark looks earnestly at him. “I want us to be okay again.”

“I want that too.”

“No more trying to forget each other?”

“Please.”

Mark laughs. “I’m glad that’s settled. I guess I better go. My family’s probably waiting.”

Mark makes to go and Renjun almost misses his chance to do what he had made out to do in the first place. He can foresee Jaemin choking him when he finds out about it.

“Wait,” Renjun says and grabs Mark’s arm to sit him back down. Mark does and he blinks at him.

Renjun retracts his hand back and Mark stares at him patiently. There’s no going back now. Renjun swallows. “I was wondering if you would want to be mine?”

Mark is thrown into an abrupt fit of coughs and he eyes Renjun while he recovers. “You’re not very smooth at this, are you?”

Renjun frowns. “No.”

Mark breathes out, laughing at his reply, incredulity and fondness blended into one. Mark meets his gaze tenderly. “Yeah, alright. Alright, I’ll be yours.”

Renjun stares at him, feeling a smile starting to form. “Really?”

“Yeah,” Mark gives him a sly smile. “Not like I’ve been waiting for almost two years or anything.”

“I can’t stand you,” Renjun says but he’s unbuckling his own seatbelt and pulling Mark in close.

“Sure you don’t,” Mark smiles. Renjun doesn’t let another second pass to finally claim it as his. When their lips touch, it feels right, like it’s been a long time coming. There’s no hesitance or restrictions and it feels liberating for Renjun to kiss Mark without anything holding him back. There’s only trust between them, glowing bright and unceasing.

Mark pulls back and utters against his lips, “Won’t Sicheng be mad if we make out in his truck?”

Renjun hums. “You keep mum, I keep mum.”

“I knew I like you,” Mark says, his nose crinkling. Renjun smiles at that, snakes a hand round Mark’s neck and pulls Mark closer to kiss him again.

———

Renjun stands in front of the full-length mirror in his room, scrutinising how he looks from every angle. He frowns. He doesn’t know if the shirt he has on is better than the previous one he tried.

“You look good in both,” Mark tells him, watching Renjun from where he’s very comfortably sitting on Renjun’s bed.

Renjun’s eyes flit over to him. “That’s very sweet nerd but extremely useless. I need you to help me, not flirt with me.”

“It’s just dinner. You don’t have to be so stressed about it.”

“Yeah just dinner,” Renjun mocks while he straightens the creases. “With your family at a fancy hotel restaurant where you intend to officially introduce me as your fucking boyfriend.” Renjun stares at him though the mirror. “ _Just dinner_.”

“But they already love you!” Mark protests.

“But I’m dating their son now and that changes everything! I want to look presentable.”

Mark sighs. “You could come from work wearing an apron covered with flour and they wouldn’t even care.”

Renjun glares at him. “If you’re not going to help, I’ll kick you out.”

Mark hardly bats an eyelash. “You always say that.”

“Okay, fine. For real this time. Get out, Mark.” Renjun knows there’s no use chasing him out because they’re going to the restaurant together anyway. He just wants to show Mark that he can be serious when he wants to and Mark shouldn’t take him lightly.

“You’re actually upset,” Mark realises. He gets up and walks towards Renjun from the back, laughing affectionately at the glare Renjun gives him in the reflection. “God, I love you.”

Mark stands behind him and wraps his arms around Renjun’s waist. “It’ll be fine. Stop worrying so much.” Mark kisses his temple. “I love you.”

Renjun doesn’t want to give in so easily, doesn’t want to show that he can be placated with just a kiss and a confession. “No. Go away, mugger.”

Mark doesn’t. “I love you,” Mark hums beside his ear and it should be illegal for him to use those words as a comeback for each one of Renjun’s verbal attack. It flusters Renjun every single time and it’s unfair. Renjun sees how Mark enjoys watching his reaction. Mark grins triumphantly. Mark bumps their head together and looks at their reflection. His voice gentle, he says, “I love you, you know that right?” He kisses the back of Renjun’s neck softly.

Renjun can’t stand him. But it feels nice, it feels like Renjun’s body fits perfectly against Mark’s, molding naturally into Mark’s embrace. Renjun can’t help but lean back into Mark’s hold and lay his hands over Mark’s. Mark is delighted at his response, proven by his laugh and how he wraps his arms tighter around Renjun’s abdomen. Renjun is supposed to have the upper-hand here. He was supposed to be to kicking Mark out. But the favours seemed to have flipped. Renjun will not let this be.

“What if I pushed you away right now?”

Mark doesn’t pull away from where he leaves a lingering kiss on Renjun’s neck so it tickles when Mark speaks again. “I’d blame it on me for making you mad and I’d still love you.”

“What if I burned your bike?”

Mark hums and the vibration at the back of Renjun’s neck sends shudders through his entire body.

“I’d be upset, but I would forgive you and I’d still love you.”

_Fucking sap._

“What if I took Rose away from you?”

Mark laughs, a pretty sound. “I’d thank you for doing that and I’d love you even more, if that’s even possible.”

Renjun frowns. “You can’t keep saying that.”

Mark looks into the mirror and Renjun meets his gaze in the reflection.

“Jun, I’m not lying. I really love you.” Mark kisses his shoulder delicately. “It’s never going to change.”

There’s a fuzzy feeling in his chest. “Okay, okay. I heard you. Stop, you’re going to make us late. And you’re messing up my shirt.”

Mark laughs and nuzzles into the side of Renjun’s neck. “I love y-”

“I love you,” Renjun says faster.

His heart beats rapidly.

Mark lifts his head up so fast and stares at him through the mirror but his expression is that of surprise and delight. Between them, Mark is the only one who has been saying those words. And he says them genuinely every time. Renjun has never uttered them back because the words just don’t seem to come out no matter how much he wants them too. But it doesn’t seem to discourage Mark from saying them to him.

But now, it’s different now. Maybe it’s because Renjun has readied himself enough or that his desire to say them overcomes his anxiety of it. He’s finally able to say them and he never expected it to be so freeing. He feels his heart pump ferociously.

“What?” Mark says, astounded, still staring at him.

“I said I love you,” Renjun tells him again and his lips naturally give way to a smile. He hates having to look at Mark indirectly like this so he turns in Mark’s arms to meet his eyes.

It gets easier the more he says it. It makes him feel giddy and bubbly and disgustingly happy. He brings Mark into an embrace and plants a light kiss at the side of Mark’s neck. His lips stretch against Mark’s skin when he smiles. “Fucking nerd, I love you.”

Mark’s smile only grows wider. “Shut up,” Mark says. “I think my feisty rebel is broken.”

Renjun laughs and holds Mark’s face to watch his expression. He’s so thankful to Mark, to have Mark, it feels like his heart isn’t able to contain all of it. He wonders if this is exactly how Mark feels the first time Mark said it. He wants Mark to know he feels the exact same way, if not, greater. Softer, quieter, he says it again, with more fondness than his heart can hold. “I like you a lot.” _As a person, as a dependable friend, as someone who cares for me._ “And I love you.” _As the one I want to spend all my time with._

He doesn’t get a warning when Mark swoops in and steals his breath away. He laughs into the kiss, overwhelmed at how happy Mark actually is. Renjun cards through Mark’s hair, angling themselves better so that their lips fit perfectly. Mark laughs out of pure happiness and Renjun has to pull him back in to let their lips meet again in a sweet, sweet rhythm.

“Let’s skip dinner,” Mark gasps, kissing Renjun deeper.

Renjun has nothing but the same sentiment as he returns the kiss. But they obviously can’t skip it and Renjun for the first time has to be the sensible one between them.

“Skip dinner and disappoint your parents?” Renjun asks, slowly withdrawing from the kiss and letting their lips shyly brush against each other. He lets his hands fall from Mark’s neck to rest on Mark’s chest. “I think there might be something wrong with my nerd too.”

Mark’s lips stretch into a smile and he leans in to claim Renjun’s lips once again. Renjun knows they should probably stop or they’ll be late but Mark is licking into his mouth so sweetly, he figures he can welcome this a while more.

It took a long while for Renjun to get to where he is now. He’s thankful and he’s just glad his dad’s happy and well, that his aunt will always support him, that Jaemin and Yukhei are idiots he can never be able to dispose of. He’s glad that Mark and him have found something in each other and that they can call each other their own now. They’re still new to this whole thing yet Renjun has this weird, warm feeling in his chest that he can’t explain - he just knows they’ll last a long time. In another universe, maybe forever. In this universe, definitely forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i could not let this fic end without Renjun saying that he loves Mark too. Sorry for the cheesy ending. We all live and regret.
> 
> title from Say by Ruel. (lmk if you already knew where the title was from!)
> 
> Didn’t think I’d actually make it this far for this fic but I did. Thank YOU for taking time to read this. I really appreciate it! And thank you so much to everyone that has shown support <3
> 
> [twt](https://twitter.com/hapatakup) [cc](https://curiouscat.me/subaks)


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